Interior Landscape
by Electric Light Shadow Boxer
Summary: After the war Hawkeye has trouble readjusting to the real world. When tragedy strikes it will take the help of all his friends to see him through. This is a story about how things don’t always have to be all right.
1. Trying to Adjust

TITLE: Interior Landscape

RATING: R

AUTHOR: BloodandBreath

SUMMARY: After the war Hawkeye has trouble readjusting to the real world. When tragedy strikes it will take the help of all his friends to see him through. This is a story about how things don't always have to be all right.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: No copyright infringement intended. I do not own the concept or the characters that you recognize and I make no money. Literally.

WARNING: Character death. This bit of madness is not a happy story. Not in the least. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Hawkeye stood on the front porch of his father's house and took in the sight of home. The trees were already beginning to change and soon they'd be in all their glory. The reds and yellows that would paint the foliage would be magnificent. People would come from miles around just to see the beauty of New England in the fall. For three long years he'd dreamed of this day. Three years of horror and death. Of putting kids back together again so they could go back and end up getting killed. Three years of swimming in blood and guts and sweat. Now he was here. And while he was grateful, to put it mildly, he also felt that something was missing. He continued to stare out at the landscape while the wind blew his hair, now much greyer than it had been, and whisked away the sweat that gathered under his arms and on his brow.

The landscape was the same. There were the same trees, the same rocks, and the same taste of Americana on the wind. He could hear kids playing down the road and he smiled a little as memories of his own childhood flitted through his mind. But it all looked different. He was stumped for a time, trying to put his finger on what it was that had changed. He finally realized that everything was the same, everything except him. As he sat down in the chair the answer came to him. The scenery hadn't changed, he had. In those three short years, three years that had lasted a lifetime; he felt he'd grown old.

As fast as it had come the elation of being home started to fade and he felt a depression start to settle over him. Three years of his life were gone, wasted in that hell called Korea. Hawkeye stood up and started to pace. For the past two weeks he and his father had been inundated by visitors welcoming Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce home from the war. Now, at last, he had time to sit and think and he wasn't sure he liked where his mind was taking him. His childhood friends and their children had been here along with most of the small town. It had been both exhilarating and devastating to see them. They were all the same. Not much changed in Crabapple Cove but then he hadn't been in Crabapple Cove for three years.

While in Korea he'd wanted nothing more when he got back home than to settle down into a comfortable life and make Crabapple Cove say 'Ahh'. He tried to tell himself that two weeks wasn't enough time to recuperate from all he'd been through and he needed to give himself more time to adjust.

Hawkeye sat back down in the old but comfortable wooden chair on the porch, placating himself with the idea of needing more time. He leaned his head back in the chair and closed his eyes. Sidney had told him he'd need time to adjust. He just hadn't expected it to be so hard. Sometimes he found himself waiting for the sound of choppers coming and the other day he'd found himself ducking as some neighborhood children set off firecrackers. He hadn't missed the worried looks from his dad either.

He hadn't sent that letter to his father that he'd started writing in the hospital. He hadn't wanted to worry his father and since he was getting out it seemed pointless to tell him that his son had lost his marbles, cracked up, and otherwise gone insane. He suspected his dad knew. There were the worried looks when his dad thought he wasn't looking and the platitudes to rest and take it easy. Did the army inform family if their sons and daughters cracked up or did one of his well meaning friends tell his dad?

Perhaps that was one reason it was taking so long to adjust. His father didn't seem to know how to act around him anymore. Come to think of it, he didn't quite know how to act around his dad either. Hawkeye sighed and took a deep breath.

His homecoming had been marvelous of course. His father had met him at the airport with a smile, hug, and tears in his eyes. He came from a long line of pacifists and his father had been heartbroken that his boy was going to have to go off to war. It'd been great seeing all his friends and catching up on their lives. At least that's what he told himself. They'd been curious about what it'd been like in the war of course, but every time it was brought up he'd managed to turn the conversation to another topic.

He was brought out of his reverie by a hand on his shoulder. "Hawk, you're woolgathering again. I said it's time for dinner. You okay?"

There it was; that look again. Trying to hide the pain that his father's unease caused, Hawkeye smiled and patted his father's hand. "Of course, just dozed off is all." He got up and followed his father back in the house and into the kitchen where they used the little kitchenette when it was just the two of them.

"God, that smells good." He eyed the food set on the table and tried to muster up something akin to an appetite. The food did look wonderful, it smelled wonderful, and he knew it would be wonderful. But somehow his stomach refused to believe his eyes. At the thought of eating his stomach knotted and he cursed the rebellion. He felt like a starving man looking at a banquet in a restaurant he couldn't enter.

Daniel Pierce eyed his son critically. "Well you need to eat. From the looks of it they starved you over there. You're all skin and bones!"

Hawkeye forced a laugh past the knot in his throat. "I told you how bad the food was. They weren't trying to starve us they were trying to poison us!"

Daniel couldn't help the smile that came to his face. At least his son's sense of humor had survived the war. He finished fixing his own plate and sat down across from his son. "I know I've said this over and over the last couple of weeks but it sure is good to see you, Son."

Hawkeye smiled, this time he didn't have to fake the emotion. "It's good to see you too." He sat for a moment toying with his food. "I know it was hard on you having me over there."

Daniel nodded and wiped his mouth. "Eat, eat. You look like a refugee."

Hawkeye smiled and tried to force his stomach to cooperate. As he took the first bite the gorge rose in his mouth and he fought to get it down. The second bite went down similarly and the third. On the fourth bite he found himself jumping from the table and running to the downstairs bathroom. He could hear his father's footsteps close behind but was helpless to stop his intrusion as he hugged the commode and wretched until bile was all that was left. He stayed on his knees and rested his forehead against the cool porcelain. He jumped as a cool cloth was placed against the back of his neck but didn't move to acknowledge the other man.

God his ribs hurt. His stomach was none too happy either. How many times was it now that he'd thrown up since coming home? At least once a day. He'd placated his father by saying he'd picked up a stomach virus but he could feel the worry emanating off of the older man and knew that the excuse had just died a watery death along with his stomach contents. Sighing he stood and grunted as his knees complained about the impromptu genuflecting at the porcelain god. Flushing the toilet, Hawkeye stepped around his father and washed his mouth out in the sink. He stood to meet his father's concerned gaze in the mirror.

"Ben, have you kept anything down since you came home?"

He dropped his gaze to the sink before answering. Some things were just too ingrained and lying to his father had never been easy. "Sure, Dad. I'm just not used to eating so much."

The elder Pierce studied his son critically before reaching around and probing the younger man's stomach.

Hawkeye couldn't stop the grunt of pain from escaping. He did however, manage to stop the gagging that tried to erupt. "A little warning before you do that, Dad."

Daniel squinted his eyes and placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "That made you want to gag didn't it?" He sighed as his son remained silent. "You sure this has only been going on a week?"

"Sure. I just need to adjust to eating real food again." Hawkeye started around his father and out of the room but was stopped by the hand on his arm.

"Just the same I think you need to come to my office tomorrow and let me do a work up on you."

Hawkeye couldn't help the instantaneous surge of anger that welled up within him. He felt like he was being suffocated. He jerked his arm out of his father's grasp and started up the stairs. "I'm fine! Stop hovering and stop treating me like I'll break." He continued up to his room and crawled into bed. He cradled his stomach for a while and tried to stop the pain in his chest. He really hadn't meant to yell at his father that way. He couldn't ever remember a time when he'd treated his dad with less respect.

He rolled over onto his back and stared at the shadows creeping across the ceiling. He'd apologize to his father tomorrow. Right now he was just too tired. Throwing his arms above his head he buried his face in his shoulder and eventually fell into sleep.

Hawkeye sat up, gasping. He put his hand to his chest to try to still the frantic beating of his heart. Closing his eyes he fell back on the bed and wiped the sweat off of his face. The nightmares were nothing new. He'd experienced them during his stay in Korea and since getting out of the hospital they'd been worse. Being home hadn't changed that. He turned and flicked on the lamp so he could see the clock. He groaned when he saw it was only three in the morning.

Sighing he remained still in order to let his body calm down. At least he mustn't have screamed since his father hadn't come barreling in as he had every night during the past week. With a grunt he got up and pulled off his soaking tee shirt and pulled on a clean one. He made his way downstairs in the dark and into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Drinking too deeply he choked on the water and sputtered until he could get his breath. He refilled his glass at the sink and started on his way to the living room when he saw that the light was still on in his father's study.

Hawkeye gave a token knock on the door before entering. "Dad, what are you . . .?" Hawkeye dropped his glass onto the floor where it shattered causing glass and water to spread over the floor. He stood dumbfounded for, what in reality was only a moment, before ignoring the broken glass and running to where his father lay on the floor.

"Dad? Come on, Dad, answer me!" Hawkeye felt for a pulse. He ignored the fact that his father's skin was cold and started trying to resuscitate the fallen man. He ignored the tears on his face and continued trying to revive his father long after any objective person would've advised against it.

Finally, the fact that his father was dead began to sink in and Hawkeye finally gave way to escalating fear and despair and lay down next to his father's body. The hard wooden floor dug into his ribs as he curled himself around his father's unyielding corpse. He scarcely noticed the cold flesh or the stench of bowel release that death always brought. He lay there in shock, too numb to feel anything. Eventually he felt the tears start to come and he wailed at the injustice of the loss. Hawkeye continued to cry until exhaustion pulled him under.

When he awoke again sunlight was trying to break through the shuttered windows in the study. Hawkeye moved stiffly getting up off the floor. He winced and hobbled a bit at the pain in the bottoms of his feet. He leaned on the desk and inspected the soles of his feet. They were covered in dried blood and he could see where the glass shards were still buried in the derma. In his panic and subsequent pain of last night he hadn't noticed walking over the shards from the broken glass.

He stood up and looked down at his father's body lying cold on the floor. He expected to feel the grief overwhelm him but instead numbness seemed to have taken root. The thing lying on the floor wasn't his father, not anymore. It was an object, a piece of meat to be dissected and buried. Cleaned and hidden from view, sanitized to keep the reality of death away. What was it? Why did death seem to follow him wherever he went? He'd thought he was leaving death behind him in Korea but instead he'd brought it along with him. He'd brought it into his own home. He stared down at the object that had been his father and went into the kitchen to dial for the coroner.


	2. The Void of Loss

Charles Emerson Winchester the third stopped at the nurses' station to fill out a chart on a patient he'd just performed thoracic surgery on. He reveled in his position here. He was in his element. The prestigious position of Head of Thoracic Surgery suited him just fine. The joy he felt was marred only by the thought that he felt like humming. However, music, once his greatest joy, was now a constant reminder of the death and sadness that had been Korea. He closed his eyes momentarily, reorienting himself to the here and now before looking back down to the desk before him. A familiar sight caught his eye and it took him a moment to place why the sight was so familiar. Lying on top of the station was a newspaper he'd seen many times before littering his quarters in Korea. He picked up the copy of the Crabapple Cove Courier and stared at. "Where on earth did this come from?"

Lillian looked up from her notes and grinned. "You know it?"

Charles looked over the top of the paper and stared at the head nurse. "I have had occasion to be acquainted with it, yes. Is it yours?"

Lillian smiled and sat back in her seat. "I was vacationing up there last week." At the doctor's nonplussed look she explained. "I like to pick up newspapers from where I've visited."

"Aha." Charles looked back down at the paper and smiled slightly to himself. It was an absurd little rag but he found himself flipping through it anyway. A name caught his eye and he stopped to read the article. He closed his eyes and swallowed. "Oh my."

Lillian looked up at the chief of thoracic surgery with concern. "Is there a problem, Dr. Winchester?"

He folded up the paper and placed it back on the desk. "I've got to leave early today, Lillian. Please get Dr. Hawkins to complete my rounds and leave his notes on my desk. I'll correct them later."

Charles walked back to his office to pull off his coat and lock up. He needed to get home where he had BJ's phone number. He didn't know Pierce's but was sure the Californian would have it. He needed to call and offer his condolences. He knew that this death would hit Hawkeye hard.

Hawkeye sat in the living room and stared at the cold fireplace. Darkness had fallen but he'd neglected to turn on any lights. The darkness was a relief while the light felt like an intrusion, sharp enough to cut. His father had died of a stupid heart attack. He knocked back the rest of the scotch in his glass and poured himself another out of the half empty bottle. He stared at the liquid comfort as his previous glass continued to burn a path down to his stomach. He raised the glass in salute. "To you, Dad, wherever you are." He quickly drained that glass as well. He stood up and stumbled over to the shelf over the fireplace that held the urn. "Oh, sorry, you're right here."

Hawkeye picked up the urn and took it back with him to where he was sitting. He supposed it'd been a nice funeral as funerals go. There had been a lot of people there, friends, patients, and one family member. He continued to stare at the urn as he weighed it in his hands. It was so light. To think that a whole life fit into the tiny ceramic vessel, the sum of a person reduced to ashes and dust.

He stared blearily at the urn that contained his father's ashes. It had been his father's wish to have his ashes spread over the water in the stream behind the house. Hawkeye would do it . . . eventually. For now he sat and poured himself another drink. He started as the phone rang. Cursing he stood up and yanked the phone from the wall and threw it into the refrigerator. He'd had all of the condolence calls he could handle. He'd thought about calling BJ but decided against it. His friend was in the midst of getting his life back and he didn't want to do anything to disturb that.

Hawkeye made his way into the study with the aide of the wall. Inside he stared at where his father had spent his final moments. Despite having his son back home he'd died alone. And his last words to his father rang in his mind. The anger he'd felt turned to a scalding in the pit of his stomach. It was all too much. The last three years of his father's life had been stolen from him by that stupid war. No doubt the worry hadn't helped the situation either.

This had been Daniel Pierce's favorite room in the house. It was where he went when he needed time to think. When he was worried about a patient or just when he needed to talk to his late wife. The walls were made up of bookcases, dark wood that held numerous volumes of books. Most of the books had been his mother's. The few that weren't consisted mostly of medical journals and of course, The Last of the Mohicans. Hawkeye picked the book up from where it had sat on his father's desk. He stared at it for a moment. He felt something weighing on his chest. A pressure that continued to build until he felt he couldn't breathe. The numbness that he'd been experiencing since the morning after he found his father's body shattered.

With a cry he started flinging books off the shelves and when that wasn't enough he went to his father's desk and pulled out drawers and cleared off the top. He tried to flip the desk over and when it proved to be too much he settled for kicking it and overturning the chairs. He went back to the bookshelves and started ripping the books apart.

Anger was still bubbling within him so he threw a paperweight he found on the floor and broke the window that sat behind and to the right his father's desk. With the breaking of the glass something inside him cracked and as the scotch and exhaustion caught up with him he collapsed onto his father's desk curled around the book and fell into blissful unconsciousness.

BJ Hunnicut finally found the Pierce household with the assistance of some helpful people in town. Everyone seemed to have known Dr. Daniel Pierce. BJ thanked the woman who ran the grocery in town and stepped out of her car.

"You tell Ben how sorry we all are at his loss."

"I will, Mrs. Huffman. Thank you for the ride." BJ closed the door and made his way up to the front door. He steeled himself for his friend's grief and knocked on the door. BJ had been enjoying his time with his family when the call from Charles had come through. He'd immediately tried to get his friend on the phone. He lost count of the times he'd tried to reach Hawkeye. And with each failure the dread and worry grew until his wife had insisted that he go.

He knocked again and when there wasn't an answer he knocked louder and looked around. It was a nice house, very stately and yet somehow rustic. When there was still no answer BJ tried the knob and found the door to be unlocked. Swallowing his dread he stepped into the threshold and called out for his friend.

"Hawkeye? Hey, Hawk, you here?" When he didn't receive an answer BJ let himself in and closed the door behind him. He set his bag down in the foyer and started on into the house. In the kitchen he found numerous dishes on the table and cabinets that no doubt had been brought over by well-wishers. He frowned. Most of them had been sitting there for a day or more without refrigeration.

The dread he felt started to knot itself into panic. He continued toward the living room but spotted the door to the study first. He stepped in and stopped to take in the sight before him. The place was a wreck and curled on top of the desk was Hawkeye.

BJ swallowed and started into the room, glass crunching under his shoes. When he reached his friend he was relieved to see that he was breathing. BJ measured Hawkeye's pulse. The other man didn't even stir. Apparently, out cold. He took a moment to study the sleeping man. He was awfully thin. BJ hadn't thought it was possible for Hawkeye to get any thinner but now he looked like a bag of bones. The cheekbones jutted out through paper thin skin and his eyes appeared sunken and bruised. He could actually count the prone man's ribs through his Hawaiian shirt. BJ wavered between waking Hawkeye and fixing some coffee. He didn't know if Hawk would see it as an intrusion but he knew he'd welcome the coffee once he got him awake.

BJ decided it would be best to go ahead and wake his friend and let him know he was there. "Hawkeye, hey, Hawk." He put his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder and leaned over him. "Hawkeye, wake up."

Hawkeye stirred and stared up at BJ with confusion. "Ugh, we got casualties?"

BJ backed off a little and helped Hawkeye sit up. "I sure hope not. How are you feeling, Hawkeye?"

It took a moment but Hawkeye was able to get his bearings. He stared at the mess around him. BJ saw when reality hit him. Hawkeye's face closed down, his eyes darkening in pain.

"What are you doing here?"

BJ up righted one of the overturned chairs and sat down. "Why didn't you call, Hawk? I had to learn from Charles who just happened to see the announcement in an out of town newspaper."

Hawkeye stood up and looked at the mess around him. "I didn't call because I didn't feel like it." He started out of the room. "You shouldn't have come, BJ."

BJ got up and followed his friend until he went into the downstairs bathroom. Then he went back to the kitchen and started some coffee. The kitchen was a mess. Nearly all of the food that had been brought over would have to be thrown out. Some of it looked like it was developing into a new life form. BJ sighed and started cleaning up the kitchen. He wanted to get some food into Hawkeye. Apparently he'd quit eating.

By the time Hawkeye came out of the bathroom, showered and dressed, BJ had coffee ready and a good deal of the kitchen cleaned up. He handed Hawkeye a cup of coffee. "Here, I figured you could use a cup." BJ continued to clean up the kitchen all the while keeping an eye on the man sitting at the table.

Hawkeye stared at the cup of coffee in his hands. He was irritated by BJ's intrusion. He needed some time to deal with this in his own way. Getting up he dumped the coffee in the sink and pulled a bottle of bourbon out of the cabinet. Once back at the table he poured a healthy cupful and downed the first swallow.

BJ turned and grabbed the bottle. He wasn't a prude. He'd drunk his share and still did but Hawkeye didn't need to deal with his father's death by drowning his feelings in alcohol. "Hawk, you're a doctor. You should know that the 'hair of the dog' method doesn't really work." He put the lid back on the bottle and stuck it in the cabinet. He eyed the way Hawkeye's cheekbones stood out and the way the shadows under his eyes made them look sunken. "I'm not much of a cook but let me fix you something to eat."

Hawkeye stood up. "Since when did you turn into Carrie Nation?" He didn't ask for this. He was a grown man and it pissed him off that people were treating him like a child. First his father. . .his father. Hawkeye felt the blood drain from his face and he sat back down quickly, closed his eyes, and forced himself to take deep breaths. Passing out would not be the way to convince BJ to leave him alone. His final words to his father had been yelled down the stairs. His father never got his son back. He got a stranger instead.

BJ didn't miss the sudden pallor that settled over Hawkeye. He rushed to the table and put his hand on his friend's wrist to check his pulse. "Hawk, don't pass out on me." He waited until he saw some of the color return to his face before stepping back. "When did you last eat anything, Hawkeye?"

He tried to push the anger back down but it kept building till he felt he would explode. "None of your fucking business."

BJ stepped back at the venom in the other man's voice. This wasn't the Hawkeye he knew. Something else was going on here besides simple grief. "I'm just trying to help, Hawk."

"Well I didn't ask for your help and I didn't ask you to come out here. Go back home, BJ." Hawkeye stormed out of the kitchen and up to his room. He needed to be alone, not mothered to death.

BJ stood for a while staring after his friend. Perhaps he'd made a mistake in coming? No. There was definitely something going on with Hawkeye and he wouldn't leave his friend here alone. He tried to locate the phone to make a collect call to California. He finally found it inside the refrigerator next to a half empty bottle of milk. "No wonder I couldn't get through. Who on earth taught him to store his perishables?" BJ picked up the phone but saw that the plug was busted. He closed the refrigerator door back on the phone before continuing to clean up the kitchen. He'd need to find a phone later and let Peg know that he'd arrived safely.

Hawkeye woke to see the evening sun struggling to break through the clouds that blanketed the sky. It made the room dim and he relaxed back into the dusk that had settled in his room. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. He got up wincing at the pain in his back. After three years of sleeping on army issue cots the bed was just too soft for him.

He sat for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. He hadn't meant to go off on BJ that way. But he really hadn't felt like talking. Still didn't. He needed time to figure out what to do with his life now. He felt that he had no place here anymore. He couldn't relate to his friends that he'd had before the war and now his only living relative, at least as far as he was concerned, wasn't here to tie him to this place.

Crabapple Cove was a small town. Everyone here knew him and he felt like if he stayed here everyone would expect him to be the same old Hawkeye; the fun loving, carefree jokester who chased the women and made them cry. But that person had died somewhere in Korea. He wasn't sure when it'd happened. Perhaps the process had been too gradual to notice, or perhaps he'd died at the same time as the infant on the bus. And he just couldn't. He just couldn't be the man he had been before going off to Korea. He'd come to this realization sometime last night.

He'd also discovered that he'd had enough blood and guts to last him a lifetime. He didn't want to see any more death and he didn't feel like being a doctor. He'd expected to feel some sadness at this revelation. After all, it was all he'd wanted to do. He could still remember getting his father's medical books and studying them. Even before he could read he would look at the pictures and just be in awe. It was like he'd discovered some great secret truth. Now though, he didn't want anything more to do with it. Instead of the sadness he expected to feel he felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He just didn't want to deal with the life, death, and sickness. He didn't want to care about people anymore. He just wanted to be alone.

He felt like the world had moved on and he no longer had a place in it. He didn't know what he was going to do. For a minute he contemplated getting up and taking a walk down to the pond but it seemed like too much of an effort. In an attempt to appease his aching back he pulled his pillow and a blanket off the bed and lay on the floor. Before long he found his mind drifting and his eyes growing heavier. Without conscious effort sleep overtook him and his mind settled down to dream.

Downstairs BJ thought he'd heard Hawkeye moving around but when it went quiet again he frowned. He went up the stairs and looked around as quietly as he could until he found Hawk's room. At first he didn't see him in the dusky gloom. When his eyes finally adjusted to the low light he saw the form curled up on the floor. BJ frowned and thought about waking his friend.

Hawkeye had been asleep all day except for the hour or so after BJ had arrived. Deciding that he needed his sleep BJ crept back down the stairs. Feeling a bit like a thief, he searched until he found the car keys and left to go into town. He needed to find a phone.


	3. Getting Past Defenses

Chapter 3: Getting Past Defenses

Night had fallen by the time BJ got back to the Pierce household. The trip into town had done BJ some good. It really was a beautiful area. He could see why Hawkeye had missed it so. Everyone was extremely friendly which went against everything he'd been told about small towns. He thought people in places like this were supposed to be suspicious of outsiders but the people of Crabapple Cove had proven him wrong. He had managed to find a pay phone and call Peg. It'd been so good to hear her voice. He really had married a saint, she was so understanding. He'd only been gone a day and already he missed her and Erin. He'd also managed to find a cheap phone to replace the one that Hawkeye had torn up. Now he wouldn't have to run into town every time he wanted to make a phone call. And perhaps, having a phone would help Hawkeye connect to the outside world again.

The house was still dark when he went inside. He set his purchases on the kitchen table and pulled out the burgers he'd gotten for himself and Hawkeye at the diner in town. Hawkeye was nowhere to be seen but BJ spotted the open door in the living room and poked his head out. "Ah, there you are. I thought you were going to sleep all night." BJ observed Hawkeye sitting on the patio chair. "It's getting kind of cool out here, do you need a sweater?"

Hawkeye shook his head but didn't turn from his contemplation of the backyard. "No I'm all right."

BJ stepped back inside and grabbed himself an afghan off of the back of the couch and then carried the burgers outside. He took the patio chair next to Hawkeye's and held out the burger to him. "Here I got us some dinner in town."

Hawkeye eyed the burger before taking it from BJ. He fiddled with the paper before turning his contemplation back to the yard and the stream. Night had fallen but he could still hear the sound of birds as they settled down for the night. Somewhere in the distance a loon called and another answered.

BJ startled and was quiet a moment as he listened to the eerie sound. "Crap, what was that?"

"Loon."

BJ studied his friend. "Uh huh. Well it certainly sounds loony. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so haunting."

Hawkeye spared the other man a glance and thin grin. "Yeah, well, I think the sound of chopper blades has it beat hands down."

"You may be right about that." BJ stopped mid bite and studied the unwrapped burger in his friend's hand. "What's the matter? Not hungry?"

Hawkeye grimaced and started unwrapping the burger. In truth the smell was driving him crazy. He was hungry, so hungry he felt sick. The smell of the fried meat made his mouth water. He studied the burger for a moment before taking a bite. He managed to get it down and didn't throw up so he took another huge bite and then another. It tasted so good.

BJ watched as Hawkeye devoured the burger. He was eating like he hadn't seen food in weeks. He'd seen starved POW's eat with less gusto. Why hadn't Hawk been eating? He turned his attention back to his own burger and started to eat. He was contemplating the last bit of lettuce on his burger when he heard a choking sound come from Hawkeye. He turned in time to see Hawk bolt off of the patio and toward the corner of the house. Before he could make it though he watched as his friend doubled over and started heaving.

He dropped the rest of his own sandwich and rushed to Hawkeye's side. He'd fallen to his knees and his arms were shaking with the strain of the vomiting. BJ grabbed him around his chest and supported his head as his friend continued to heave long after the food was out of his stomach.

Hawkeye continued to pant, exhausted from the heaving. He cursed himself inwardly for not making it to privacy before throwing up. He knew he wouldn't have time to get into the bathroom but he'd thought he'd at least be able to make it to the side of the house. It didn't really occur to him that BJ probably would've followed him anyway. He spit onto the grass and tried to stand up. Unfortunately he was weaker than he thought and he almost ended up face first in the mess on the ground. If BJ hadn't been supporting his weight he would have.

BJ helped him up and led him back to the patio chair. "Sit still a moment." He ran into the house to get Hawkeye a glass of water. When he returned he kicked something on the patio and sent it rolling off into the grass. He handed Hawkeye the glass and went after whatever it was he'd kicked. He stopped at the edge of the patio and stared down at the object. There was just enough light coming through the door to see what it was. He swallowed, picked it up, and made sure that the lid was still tightly on. He breathed a sigh of relief in seeing the urn still intact.

BJ turned back to Hawkeye and studied him in the thin light. "It's not broken."

Hawkeye merely nodded and took another sip of water.

BJ went back to his seat and set the urn down out of harm's way. He turned back to Hawkeye and put on his doctor face, as Peg liked to call it. "How long has it been since you've eaten anything?"

Hawkeye sighed and closed his eyes. He tried to measure what he could get away with not telling his friend. After a moment he realized this wasn't something he'd be able to hide. BJ was too good of a doctor to let something like this go. Where was Frank Burns when you needed him? "I ate something a couple of nights ago." Which really wasn't a lie. He had eaten a bite. BJ didn't need to know that he'd thrown it up.

BJ furrowed his brow in concern. That wasn't long enough to make him throw up after eating something solid. Which meant one of two things. "Did you keep that down?"

Hawkeye let his head fall back against the top of the chair. He'd never lied to BJ before. In fact he'd always prided himself on the fact that he was an honest man. Sometimes too honest but then that had its uses as well. "Yeah. I must be coming down with a stomach bug or something. It's not a big deal." He stopped to take a breath and tried to hide the pain in his ribs and stomach. "If I remember correctly I once held your head while you threw up a good portion of your stomach contents all over Korea."

"Yeah but I was provoked." He hadn't missed the wince that Hawkeye had tried to hide. He got up and without asking for permission, without giving him a chance to push him back, BJ stepped forward and probed Hawkeye's stomach. He stifled a sigh as Hawkeye let out a grunt of pain and tried to fold protectively over his stomach. "You're lying to me about something. Either it's been longer since you ate or you've been throwing up for a while. Which is it?"

Hawkeye glared at the other man but didn't have the energy to push him away. "I've had some trouble keeping food down for a couple of weeks okay. It's no big deal. It's just a stomach bug and when it passes I'll be fine."

BJ tried to make out Hawkeye's features in the semidarkness. "Have you had a work up?"

Hawkeye felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. That was the very thing he and his dad had been arguing over before he died. He pushed himself up out of the chair with shaky arms and tried to still the trembling in his hands. "Look, it was my father's wish to have his ashes scattered over the creek here. I'm going to do that and then I think I'll go to bed." He started down to the creek with the urn before turning back. "You're welcome to come if you'd like."

BJ nodded and followed his friend down to the creek bank. The way he looked a stiff wind would blow him right into the creek with his father's remains. He remained a silent witness to the scattering of the ashes of Daniel Pierce. He could see that Hawkeye was hurting and he longed to reach out, put his hand on his shoulder, and give some acknowledgement of the support he wanted to lend. But he was afraid that Hawkeye would turn him away, shrug him off, or otherwise deny the comfort.

He expected to see tears or some sign of grief as Hawkeye said his final goodbyes to his father. However, the other man remained standing stoically as if his actions had no effect on him. He watched as Hawkeye stood there for a while, lost in thoughts or memories BJ didn't know which. It wasn't until he turned to go back to the house that he stumbled. BJ was there to catch him and helped support him the rest of the way back to the house. He winced as he felt the hard edge of Hawkeye's ribs through his shirt. They were practically pushing through the skin. BJ was reminded of the young soldier who'd come into the 4077 with severe malnutrition because he'd been starving himself.

The worry in his gut twisted and he knew that it was more than a stomach bug that was affecting Hawkeye. If they didn't do something quickly he was going to starve to death. He could barely walk back to the house on his own as it was. He was definitely going to pick this subject back up at a later date. He helped Hawkeye up the stairs and into his room. There, he helped him get ready for bed and watched as exhaustion overtook the other man. His eyelids fluttered a few times but then his breathing took on the regular cadence that came with sleep. It was definitely not a good sign that Hawkeye had made no complaints and no jokes about being helped into bed. It was not a good sign at all.

Back downstairs he plugged up the new phone before heading to the couch to bed down. He kept telling himself that it was natural to be angry after the loss of a loved one. However, he couldn't help but worry. Hawkeye hadn't had an easy time of it. The war had been hard on him and now his father was gone. How would he have reacted if something happened to Peg or Erin after missing those two years of their lives? The thought made BJ shiver. He was afraid that Hawkeye was feeling alone, without an anchor, and for Hawkeye that could be dangerous.

BJ sat straight up on the couch. He'd dozed off while reading one of the few books in the study that hadn't been torn to shreds. He tried to remember what had woken him. Was it a sound? Something he'd dreamed? He was about to lie back down when the scream cut the air again. BJ felt his pulse thud in his head as he jumped and ran up the stairs. The scream reminded him of the noise that had come from the giant cat that had gotten cornered when he was a child.

By the time he got to Hawkeye's room the screams were continuous and there was a ragged edge to Hawkeye's voice. BJ threw open the door and ran to where Hawkeye was sitting up on the bed. He continued to look straightforward, unseeing, and screaming his head off. BJ tried to swallow around the lump of fear that had formed in his throat. Hawkeye was obviously staring at something that was far away from this room. BJ couldn't imagine what he must be seeing to make him scream this broken chord again and again.

He approached the bed cautiously so as not to startle him. "Hawkeye? Wake up it's a dream. Hawk?" The screaming continued and BJ grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently. "Hawkeye! Hawk, can you hear me? Wake up." He continued to hold his friend's shoulders as Hawkeye continued to scream. BJ was getting desperate. Hawkeye couldn't seem to snap out of the nightmare. Hawkeye's eyes were tracking things that weren't in the room and BJ closed his eyes. Memories of psychotic patients he'd seen swimming in his mind.

He continued to hold him, ignoring his own tears and the water that had filled his bowel until the screams gave way to broken sobs. He let go of Hawkeye long enough to run to the bathroom and get a cup of water. When he returned Hawkeye had locked his arms around his drawn up knees and was rocking back and forth. His eyes were still straight forward, tracking monsters that BJ could only guess at.

Between the sobs that came out of Hawkeye's torn throat BJ tried to get him to take small sips of water. Another hour passed before BJ was able to get his friend to relax enough to lie back down. Once Hawkeye's breathing became deep with sleep BJ stood and left the room. Once outside he leaned up against the wall and wiped the sweat and tears off of his own face.

Not once had Hawkeye acknowledged his presence. Not once had sanity seemed to slip back into his eyes. BJ made a resolution. Once the sun had come up he was going to find out where Sidney Freedman was and give him a call.


	4. Reaching Out

Chapter 4: Reaching Out

The next morning BJ found Hawkeye sitting on the back porch again. He approached him with slow even steps. Could anyone be lucid after that attack last night? "Hey, Hawk. How are you feeling?"

Hawkeye started slightly at the sound of BJ's voice. "Oh fine, fine. Sorry if I was short with you yesterday. I haven't been in the best of moods lately you know."

BJ nodded as he studied the other man. He looked tired and gaunt. The harsh morning light did nothing to hide the weight loss or the tired circles under his eyes. In one word he looked haggard, sick. It was obvious that the nightmare last night had taken its toll. "Understandable." He was quiet a moment to see if Hawkeye would mention the nightmare. As the silence stretched and became uncomfortable he found himself needing to know. "That must've been some nightmare you had last night. Was it about Korea?"

"Nightmare? I slept like a log last night." Hawkeye continued to look out over the sweeping countryside. "I appreciate you coming out here, Beej, but it wasn't necessary. Peg must be upset about you leaving home again so soon after coming back."

BJ was quiet as he thought about what Hawk had said. So he didn't remember the episode last night. Then gently, "I can't believe you'd think that I wouldn't need to come down here for this. I know your father was the last family you had. Besides, Peg is a good woman, she understands."

Hawkeye nodded. He wasn't sure where the conversation should go. He didn't want company but it was obvious that BJ wasn't ready to go away yet. "You sleep okay? I noticed you were on the couch. Sorry about that, I'll show you the guest room."

"Oh I slept okay." Sure he did. After the scream fest it'd taken him two hours to fall back asleep.

Hawkeye stared at his friend, tried to figure out the tone behind the words. Perhaps he was just too polite to say that the couch slept horribly? He knew it couldn't have been comfortable. The couch was an old one and had developed a sag in the middle but his father had loved that couch. He closed his eyes briefly. All around him were memories of his father and what his life had been like before he'd been sent to hell. He needed to get out of the house before it drove him insane. Admittedly a short trip, but one he didn't care to take. Sighing he stood up. "I'm a lousy cook. Let's get ready and I'll take you to the diner in town. They have an omelet that'll send your taste buds into shock."

The trip into town was made in silence. BJ looked about the town but found he couldn't enjoy the scenery. He found himself missing the teasing Hawkeye he'd met, learned to love, and to depend on. He supposed he shouldn't expect too much what with the death of his father, but Hawkeye seemed so lost and BJ wasn't sure how to help him.

The diner was the same one he'd gotten the burgers from last night and BJ found he was greeted as if he was an old friend. It was standard fair for a diner, formica tables and vinyl booths. Coke signs dotted the walls as well as other advertisements. There was a jukebox in the corner but thankfully it was quiet. The few other customers that were seated in the diner looked to be either regulars who came to chew the fat or people getting breakfast before they went to work.

The waitress was new, at least to BJ. She was a pert little thing and he found himself waiting for the inevitable come on from Hawkeye. He couldn't help the disappointment he felt when the other man neglected to make a pass at the young woman. It was obvious she knew Hawkeye but his response to her was minimal and he shrugged his shoulders when she looked to him for an explanation. She left the table with their orders and a hurt little frown on her face. "She seems like a nice girl. Friend of yours?"

Hawkeye broke from his study of the world outside the window. "Huh? Oh, Ginger. Yeah she's okay. Used to hang out with her brother."

"Uh huh. I think maybe she has a crush on you. She was flirting you know."

Hawkeye glanced back toward where Ginger had disappeared behind the counter. "Why would she be interested in an old man like me?"

BJ laughed. "You're kidding right?" At his friend's serious look BJ leaned across the table. "Hawk, you're not that old."

Hawkeye turned back to the window. "That's funny, I feel ancient."

Breakfast had been spent in relative silence. The few times BJ had tried to draw Hawkeye into conversation he was answered with monosyllabic replies. Eventually he gave up and concentrated on his food while Hawkeye ignored his own. "This is a nice little place here. It sort of reminds me of the one back in Mill Valley."

Hawkeye stared at his friend for a moment before answering. "Yeah it's been here as long as I can remember." Hawkeye relaxed back in his seat a little bit. He'd found being in town to be harder than he expected.

Everyone here thought that they knew him but in truth no one knew him anymore. Even sitting here with BJ he felt as if they were still a continent apart. He found himself feeling bitter toward his friend. After all, BJ had a place in this world, a home and family who were waiting for him. Hawkeye had no one. He'd never been good at developing close relationships with anyone. In fact, he'd done his best to keep them at arms length.

The people he'd been closest to were the people at the 4077th and they'd been brought together by extreme circumstances. However, he had no place in their world now. They had lives and jobs and were happily carrying on as if they'd never left.

BJ continued to study Hawkeye across the table. He was a million miles away and BJ felt frustrated at his inability to connect with him. There was the sudden noise of a car backfiring on the street and he jumped slightly. Hawkeye, however, let out a yell and went under the table.

BJ watched in concern as Hawkeye stayed down for a few minutes. "Hey, Hawk, it's okay. It was just a car backfiring."

Hawkeye looked up over the table and tried to smile at his friend. It felt tight and unreal. Tried to come up with a good excuse as to why he was getting gum on his hair from the underside of the table. "Yeah, I think I threw my back out trying to do the sixty second limbo." He sat up in his chair and smoothed his hair back from his forehead. He became aware of the quiet stillness that enveloped the diner. He turned to see everyone staring at him.

Ginger Hobson rushed over. "Are you okay? What happened?"

BJ looked up at the concerned girl. So innocent she probably hadn't even noticed the car backfiring. "It's okay. He just has trouble with his back some." BJ thought, desperate to get the girl to go away. "A war injury." He winced. Why had he said that?

Ginger looked sympathetic and BJ swore if she breathed any harder her tits were going to pop out of her uniform. "Oh, Hawkeye! I didn't know you'd gotten hurt."

In more ways than you know, thought BJ ruefully. He shook himself out of his revelry. The blonde bimbette in training was speaking again.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Hawkeye remained silent so BJ turned his best smile on the girl. "No. Just give us some space so he can catch his breath."

Ginger nodded and dutifully went back to the counter. She busied herself with something but kept throwing glances toward the table.

Inside, anger and embarrassment warred for top place as Hawkeye continued to gaze at the tabletop. He was aware of sound starting back up in the diner and along with it whispers. Ginger may have been ignorant to what had happened but the rest of the people in the place knew. Ginger would know soon enough. She'd probably feel fear, or even worse pity, for the crazy man who'd lost all his marbles in the war. He felt his face grow hot and started to stand and give them a good piece of his mind. A hand gripped his arm and he looked down to see BJ's knuckles white in their clench on his arm.

"Don't. Let's just leave, Hawkeye." BJ tightened his grip on the other man's arm until he was sure that he wouldn't do anything he'd regret further. Then, gently, he led him out of the diner and back to the car. He let out a sigh of relief when the door closed behind them and he released his hold on Hawkeye although he was still tensed as if ready to spring.

Hawkeye started around to the driver's side in short, angry movements but BJ stopped him. "Here, let me drive. I might want to bring Peg and Erin for a visit someday and I'll remember better how to get to your house if I drive it."

Hawkeye looked at BJ for a moment before relinquishing his keys and storming to the other side of the vehicle and getting in. He tried to puzzle it out in his mind. The sound of the car backfiring had sounded so loud. It had sounded like gunfire and he'd reacted instinctively. Was this who he was now? Someone who starts at every little noise and yelled about Nazis invading? No it wouldn't be Nazis it would be communists, commies. He felt the anger start to be replaced by despair. Was he going to become the crazy old man that all towns seemed to have? Was that his new fate? Or would they lock him in a wetbrain ward in some godforsaken VA hospital where he could yell and cringe with all the other people whose minds had been destroyed by the war.

BJ started up the car and turned towards the Pierce household. He had to get Hawkeye to talk to him. Whatever it was, the war, the loss of his father, or a combination of both, it was tearing him up inside. "This is a really small town. I don't think I truly appreciated that when you were telling me about it."

BJ looked over to where Hawkeye was staring out the window. "Are you going to take over your dad's practice?"

Hawkeye continued to stare out at the landscape. It was so familiar and yet so. . . alien. "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it."

BJ nodded and tapped a staccato on the steering wheel. "I know it'll take time to recover after your dad's death. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions yet." BJ continued to drive on in silence for a while. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it to your father's funeral. I heard from the lady who runs the grocery it was nice."

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose. There were a lot of people there."

BJ sighed to himself as he pulled into the driveway. Pulling Hawk into a conversation when he didn't want to be involved was like pulling teeth.

As BJ was getting out of the car he remembered his decision to call and find out about Sidney Freedman today. He followed Hawkeye toward the house. "So, feel like a game of cards? Some chess? Parcheesi?"

Hawkeye smiled slightly and shook his head. "No I think I'm going to take a walk."

BJ looked around and took a deep breath of the air. "It is beautiful here. Do you mind if I join you?"

Hawkeye hesitated. He was torn between wanting to be alone and being a good host. "No. You're welcome."

BJ trotted to catch up with Hawkeye. Instead of heading toward the road they'd veered off onto a well-worn path. BJ continued to walk in silence a while, letting the atmosphere of the countryside wash over him. He wished he knew what to say to Hawkeye to get him to open up. But then psychiatry had never been his strong suit. He was definitely going to call Sidney and get some pointers. "So where are we going?"

Hawkeye looked up, startled out of his own thoughts. "I thought I'd take a walk down to the pond we used to use for a swimming hole when I was a kid."

BJ nodded and thought he saw an opening. "Is that the one you were telling Sidney about? The one you almost drowned in?"

Hawkeye nodded but didn't say anything. BJ let his attention drift for a moment. The birds were singing and he could feel some of the tension he'd been carrying since getting the phone call from Charles start to melt away. If only this had been better circumstances he could've really enjoyed himself. He looked back over at Hawkeye. "He really helped you a lot with that didn't he?"

"Who?"

BJ stepped carefully over a rock half buried in the path. They were going down hill now. "Sidney."

Hawkeye shrugged. He wasn't sure he liked where this was going. "Yeah, I guess. I did stop sneezing."

BJ noticed that Hawkeye was shaking. Obviously his lack of nutrition was affecting his endurance. If they didn't stop to rest soon Hawkeye would collapse. No one could starve himself the way he was and continue to go at this pace. He reached out and grabbed Hawkeye's arm and pulled him to a stop. "Why don't you give Sidney a call and talk to him? He'd probably be able to help you with your grief."

Hawkeye turned and looked at BJ, considering. "I guess I didn't sleep too well last night after all. I think I'm going to take a nap."

BJ watched as Hawkeye started at a half run toward the house. "Hawk, wait up. Hawkeye!" He took off after the other man. For someone who was about collapse he sure did move fast. He was out of breath by the time he caught up with Hawkeye at the door of the house. "Hawkeye, come on. I just hate seeing you this way."

Hawkeye opened the door and stepped inside before whirling on the other man. "Even you. It's not bad enough that the whole damn town thinks I'm crazy now my best friend does too." He took off and started up the stairs.

"I didn't say that. Hawk . . . don't pay any attention to those people in the diner today. They don't understand what it was like."

Hawkeye paused halfway up the stairs, smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "Sometimes, I don't think anybody does."

BJ watched as Hawkeye continued up the stairs. He'd give him some time to fall asleep before he made his phone calls.

It still managed to be muggy in Missouri. Sherman Potter was enjoying the warm weather and the leisure of civilian life. He'd been home with his wife for a little under a month now and he was eating up every minute of it. It'd been great to see his family and meet his new grandkids. His wife sure hadn't wasted any time getting him to catch up on some of the work that needed to be done around the house. Just now he had some free time and was stringing his fly reel. It'd been a long time since he'd been able to get in some good fly-fishing and he was looking forward to it. Next to taking care of his horses there was nothing more satisfying than standing in a stream with your reel. He was about to grab his waders when the phone rang. "Mildred, can you get that dear? Mildred? Oh sweet Fanny Adams I forgot she went to the church luncheon."

He set down his reel and rushed to the phone as fast as he could. "Hold your horses I'm a coming. Hello?" He was a little perturbed at being interrupted but he couldn't help the smile when he heard the voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey, Colonel, how goes life in Hannibal?"

Sherman sat down in the chair next to the phone and wiped the sweat off his balding head. "Good. And it's Sherman now, BJ. Don't take this the wrong way but I didn't think to be hearing from anyone quite this soon. How are things in Mill Valley?"

"Peg and Erin are great. Erin has grown like a weed. She's getting so big." He couldn't stop the wistfulness that crept into his voice. He'd missed so much while he was in Korea. "But I'm not calling from Mill Valley. I'm in Maine."

Sherman lost the smile and sat up a little straighter. "In Maine? Good Lord something bad must've happened to pull you away from your family again so quick. What's wrong? Is Hawkeye okay?"

BJ shook his head but remembered that the colonel couldn't see it. "Hawk's father passed away last week. I found out from Charles who just happened to see it in a paper. I came down here to see how Hawkeye was holding up."

Colonel Potter winced and shook his head. Was that boy never going to catch a break? "I sure hate to hear that. How's Pierce doing?"

"Not all that good. He's withdrawn, moody, and having nightmares like you wouldn't believe. I was wondering if you had any idea where Sidney Freedman called home."

Colonel Potter nodded and dug through the address book his wife kept by the phone. "Yeah, hold on a minute." He continued to rifle through the papers until he came to an address in New York. "Here it is BJ. He lives in New York City. You think he's going to be able to help you long distance?"

"I don't know, Colonel. But I'm at a loss for what else to do. He isn't opening up to me and I'm afraid he's getting in bad shape. He's all skin and bone I haven't seen him eat anything that he hasn't thrown up. If he doesn't talk to somebody soon there's not going to be anything left of him."

Colonel Potter frowned and closed his eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so, Colonel, at least not at this time. I'll keep in touch and let you know how things are going."

Sherman nodded and stood up from the seat. "You do that and tell Hawkeye he has my condolences. Oh, and BJ, that's Sherman."

Sherman hung up the phone and shook his head. He sure did hate to hear about Hawkeye's father. He hoped the young boy would be able to cope with this better than with the death of the infant on the bus. Suddenly, he didn't feel much like fishing anymore. He went into the den where his wife had hung the picture he'd painted of the officers of the 4077th. He stared at the menagerie and shook his head. These people had gotten under his skin more than any other group since he'd gotten into the service. They'd started out a quirky bunch of misfits and had somehow managed to become family.

It was Saturday and Sidney Freedman was spending a blissful morning playing with his son. It felt so good to be home and hold his toddler in his arms. Two whole years he'd waited for this day. He was smiling and laughing as David, his son, continued to pound the pot lids together.

Behind him Miriam was humming a little tune to match David's cymbals as she fixed brunch. Sidney got up off of the floor and stood back to observe his family. He was filled with so much love at the sight of them. They did him proud and he knew he'd been kvelling like a peacock the last few weeks.

The ringing of the phone shattered his tranquility and he groaned inwardly. He'd been home less than a month and already he'd been called in twice for emergencies. He picked up the phone and shot a look to his wife. "Greta, this had better not be you."

"Sidney? Sidney Freedman?"

Sidney frowned. He knew that voice. "BJ?"

"Yeah. Sorry was I interrupting anything?"

Sidney sat down and waved his wife back to the kitchen. "No, not at all. I have to say I'm a bit surprised to hear from you. How's the family?"

"Good, Sidney. Real Good."

Sidney shook his head. "BJ, hang on I'm going to change phones." He got up and put the phone on the end table. "Miriam, darling, hang this phone up when I pick up in the study." He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and closed the door behind him in the study.

"Sorry about that, BJ. David is practicing his cymbals with Miriam's pots and pans."

There was an appreciative laugh on the other end of the phone. "So that's what all that was. I thought maybe you'd changed professions and were in the middle of doing some construction."

Sidney laughed and sat down behind his desk. "With my skill we'd be broke inside a month. It's good to hear from you. I hope this is a social call."

"No, not really. Sidney, I'm sorry to bother you at home but I'm worried about Hawkeye. I'm up here in Maine now."

Sidney frowned and picked up a pen. "What's going on?"

BJ relayed the information to the psychiatrist ending with the severity of his reaction to the backfiring car. "He's withdrawn, moody, and I can't get him to talk to me. I need to know if this is normal grieving or if there's more to it. I'm really worried about his weight loss."

Sidney sighed and sat back in his chair. "I suppose it could be. Of course I'd have to talk to him to be sure but it sounds like he's suffering from depression and maybe combat fatigue from the sounds of it."

"Combat fatigue? You serious?"

Sidney smiled. "Even though you guys weren't involved in hand to hand combat you had to fight a different war. That was a strain, BJ, you should know that." He heard the sigh of the other man.

"I know, Sidney. I haven't forgotten. What should I do?"

Sidney sighed. "Well, that depends. How long are you planning to stay there?"

"I can stay out here until Wednesday then I've got to head back home. I told Peg I'd only be gone a week."

Sidney nodded. "Keep an eye on him. Monitor his weight and put him on IV nutrients if you have to. Make sure he doesn't drink too much and be there for him when he's ready to talk. Other than that let me know if you need any more advice. Oh, and BJ, watch for any sudden changes in mood. If he seems to get happier all of the sudden, better all of the sudden, don't let him out of your sight and give me a call back."

"Will do. Thanks, Sidney. I'll let you get back to your family now."

Sidney smiled and dropped his pen back onto the table. "No problem. Keep in touch." He hung up the phone and sat back in his chair. His good mood deflated by thoughts that Hawkeye was having a rough time. He could feel the pall of Korea start to fall about him and suddenly wanted to be in the arms of his family.

Hawkeye stood in the entrance to the kitchen. He had found he couldn't sleep and he'd heard BJ talking to someone and decided to check it out. He felt that he'd been punched in the gut when he heard that BJ was talking to Sidney. "I tore the phone out on purpose you know."

BJ jumped at the sound of Hawkeye's voice behind him. He turned around trying to smother the guilty feeling of talking about him behind his back. He shrugged. "It was too much trouble to go into town every time I needed to call Peg."

Hawkeye stormed into the kitchen and grabbed the scotch bottle out of the cupboard. "Well that wasn't Peg you were talking too and I don't like you talking to others behind my back. If I want them to know about what's going on I'll tell them myself."

BJ sat in stunned silence. Rarely, had Hawkeye blown up at him. Sure, they'd had their differences, mostly over who was the funniest but never about anything such as this. "I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I've been worried about you."

Hawkeye poured himself a drink and stood with his back to the cabinet. "Well, what'd Sidney say? Is he going to lock me up again? Throw away the key this time? Or better yet, why don't I just turn myself in to the local laughing academy. The people around here would vouch for my lunacy!"

BJ shook his head and stood up to put the scotch bottle away before Hawkeye could pour himself another drink. "You're being unfair. It's not like that, Hawk. I've been worried. You won't talk to me and you blow up at the smallest thing."

Hawkeye advanced on BJ, grabbing the bottle out of his hands. "I'm mourning the death of my father! What do you expect, BJ? A parade?"

BJ tried to grab the bottle back. "Come on, Hawk. It's not even noon yet." In his struggle to get the bottle out of Hawkeye's hands it slipped and went crashing to the floor. BJ jumped back out of the way to avoid getting splattered.

Hawkeye spun and threw his empty glass into the kitchen sink where it broke adding to the glass littering the kitchen. Then he stormed out of the house.

A minute later BJ heard the car start up and rushed to the front door in time to see Hawkeye speed out of the drive and down onto the road. "Damn it!"

BJ went back into the kitchen and stared at the mess on the floor. He was tempted to just go back to Mill Valley, to his family. At least there he was wanted. He sighed and went to find a dustpan and broom. He couldn't leave Hawkeye like this. No matter how attractive the thought might be.


	5. One Step

Interior Landscape

Chapter 5: One Step

BJ had spent the afternoon and early evening vacillating between worry that something had happened to Hawkeye and the thought that he was just blowing off steam. It was six o'clock before he heard the car pull up into the drive and he let out a breath.

He stayed sitting on the couch expecting Hawkeye to come in. However, he jumped when the doorbell rang. Worry creasing his brow; BJ got up to answer the door. He was surprised to find an officer holding on to Hawkeye. "Hawk, you okay?"

Hawkeye waved at BJ and smirked. "S'alright. The good ocifer here jus' gave me a ride." Hawkeye stumbled past BJ into the house.

BJ turned back to the officer with his eyebrows raised to his hairline. "What happened?"

The officer held out his hand. "I'm Officer Farrell. I found Ben sitting by the road in his car drunk as a skunk. I was afraid to let him drive home so I brought him back. My partner should be here in just a minute with the car."

BJ jumped and looked behind him at the sound of a crash in the house. "Thanks, Officer Farrell. I'm sorry you had to come all the way out here."

Officer Farrell smiled and shook his head. "No problem. Ben's been through a hard time. I just wanted to make sure he didn't get hurt. I used to look up to Ben when I was growing up. I was glad to help."

BJ thanked the officer again and closed the door so he could find Hawkeye. Since the crash there had been only silence. He started toward the living room but paused in the door of the kitchen when he saw Hawkeye stooped down swaying from side to side. He was staring at something in his hand. "Hawk, what're you doing?"

Hawkeye looked up and tried to blink BJ into focus. "The glass, it jus' jumped right outta my hand."

BJ walked into the kitchen to find more broken glass on the floor. "If you keep this up you won't have any glasses left in the house." He looked carefully at Hawkeye's hand and cursed softly as he saw the blood running through his fingers. He pried the hand open and hissed when he saw the glass imbedded in Hawkeye's palm. "Why'd you do that, Hawk?"

Hawkeye stared down at his hand for a moment before peering back up at BJ. "There's an awful lot of broken glass around here lately."

BJ sighed and pulled his friend to his feet. "Come on. I've got to get you fixed up. You're probably going to need sutures in that gash."

Hawkeye started to reach for the cabinet, dripping blood on the linoleum and countertop. "I need a drink."

BJ pushed Hawkeye back further, careful not to tip him over. "You've had enough. Smells like you bathed in it." He took Hawkeye by the arm and led him to the couch in the living room. "Sit here. I'll be back in a minute."

BJ returned a few moments later to find Hawkeye passed out on the couch. He knelt on the floor and opened his medical bag. He pulled the glass from the wound and searched for any smaller pieces. After determining that the wound was free from foreign matter he irrigated it and cleaned it. Then glancing up to make sure that Hawkeye was still unconscious he started suturing the wound closed. It'd been a deep gash and it took more than several stitches to close it up. He finished by bandaging the hand and sat back and sighed. There was blood and water all over the carpet, couch, and his clothes.

He stared at Hawkeye. He really needed to get some food into him. If he didn't eat soon BJ was going to have to start an IV or find some way of getting him to the hospital. Somehow he didn't think that would go over very well with Hawkeye right now. "Face it. He's not in his right mind. If he was in his right mind then he'd go to the hospital and get taken care of. Or better yet, if he was in his right mind he wouldn't need to be in the hospital." Sighing he took the broom and cleaned up the glass, again.

Back in the living room he covered Hawkeye with the afghan off of the back of couch. Then he went to the bathroom to get a shower and go to bed. He was so tired. Maybe Hawkeye would be too drunk for nightmares this night.

This time when the screaming started BJ wasn't as startled. Jumping up, he ran into the living room to find Hawkeye on the floor curled into a ball. He winced at the hoarse, ragged screams coming from his friend's throat. He knew better than to try and wake him so he settled for rubbing his back and murmuring soothing platitudes. However, he expected the platitudes were of more benefit to him than Hawkeye.

Had it been this way before Daniel Pierce had passed on? It was no wonder Hawkeye was grouchy if he went through this every night. He stared down at his friend and in the darkness, could just make out his face. His eyes were clenched tight and although he couldn't swear it, he thought there were tear tracks on his cheeks.

Once again Hawkeye's screaming eventually eased into broken sobs. BJ stayed there and continued to offer what comfort he could. After a while even the sobs gave way to a more regular breathing pattern. BJ was about to get up and go back to bed when he was startled by a small voice.

"Beej?"

He winced at his friend's cracked voice. It was a wonder that he had any voice left after the way it had been abused. "Yeah, it's me." Hawkeye was quiet for a while and BJ started to think he'd gone back to sleep.

"Why?"

BJ continued to rub small circles on the other man's back. "Why what, Hawk?"

For a minute he didn't think Hawkeye was going to answer. "Everything."

BJ leaned closer to better hear his friend's words. "I don't think I understand."

Again Hawkeye was quiet for a while before answering. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Beej. I'm so tired."

BJ frowned. "Do what, Hawkeye?"

"This. All of this." The voice was small and thin and held absolutely no emotion.

BJ swallowed the bile he felt rising in his throat. His bowels were trying to turn to water and his heart was trying frantically to escape its moorings in his chest. He tried to think of something, anything that might help Hawkeye see through the darkness. "Don't talk like that, Hawk. We'll get through this. Maybe you can come and stay with Peg and me for a while. I know she'd love to meet you."

Again there was a long silence while BJ waited for an answer. "Okay, Beej. See you in the morning."

BJ nodded and got up but instead of going back to the bedroom he sat down in a chair and watched as Hawkeye went back to sleep. Now what should he do? It was obvious Hawkeye had reached the low point. After all suicide was about as low as you could get. And that had been what Hawkeye had been talking about wasn't it? BJ felt his guts go cold and he breathed deeply to keep himself from throwing up. He was so fucking scared. His best friend was spiraling down into that long darkness and he didn't know how to stop it. Maybe he could get him to go to New York with him. Sidney would know what to do. The fear twisted in his gut again. If Sidney were here he'd have him committed wouldn't he? Wouldn't he?

BJ curled up in the chair and thought about calling Peg. He needed to hear her voice so bad- to know that there was something outside of this madness that was eating away at his friend. In the end he decided against calling his wife. She would be asleep and all it would serve was to get her upset and worried. He continued to watch the sleeping man on the couch and wonder what he was going to do.

When Hawkeye woke the next morning he felt that a great weight had been lifted off of him. He sat for a moment and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He stared at the bandage on his hand. He could barely remember the night before and the images were hazy enough that he wasn't sure he was remembering things accurately. One thing that did remain clear was the nightmare. Or not the nightmare in itself but the aftermath. He remembered waking up with BJ holding on to him. Remembered the desperation and then numbness he'd felt. And finally, as he made his decision, a sense of peace and calm that enveloped him. He knew what he had to do. It would hurt BJ, no doubt. But in the long run it would be better for everyone involved. He wouldn't have to deal with the constant barrage of emotions that continued to beat at him and BJ would be able to get back to his life. All he had to do was get BJ out of the house for a while.

Hawkeye regarded the sleeping man in the chair. He was a good friend, really. But BJ had his own life to live and didn't need to be bothered with his troubles. Silently Hawkeye stood up and covered the sleeping man with the blanket he'd been using. Then silently he started up the stairs to find the things he would need to put his plan into motion. He would get things set up, box up a few of his father's things, and then get BJ to run out on an errand to give him the little time he'd need.

When BJ woke the next morning he groaned at the stiffness that had settled into his neck and back. He was getting too old to curl up in chairs to sleep. He smacked his lips to try and get some moisture back into his mouth. His mind was fuzzy with sleep and exhaustion. He must've been at the still too much last night. It felt like a truck had hit him and dragged him through all of Korea. When BJ opened his eyes it took him a moment to orient himself. When it all came rushing back he glanced hurriedly to where he'd left Hawkeye sleeping on the floor.

His pulse tripled when he saw the empty floor. Hadn't Hawkeye been talking about suicide last night? Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. HefellasleepandnowHawkwasgoingtopulltheplug. He jumped up, ignoring the pain in his spine, and rushed for the stairs. He was halfway up the staircase when he heard the sound of something heavy hitting the floor down stairs. Turning around he tripped and nearly broke his neck on his rush to get back down and find Hawkeye. He located the source of the noise in the study and ran into the room only to skid to a stop a short distance inside the door.

Much of the study had been cleaned up and there were boxes sitting around on the floor with books and papers stuffed inside. At the desk Hawkeye stood going through a file folder. BJ tried to get his breathing under control and the nausea in his stomach settled before he addressed the other man. "Hey, Hawk what you doing?"

Hawkeye looked up to see BJ standing in the doorway to the study. He'd been engrossed in some of his father's papers and hadn't heard the other man rush in. "Oh, hey you finally woke up. I'm packing up some of my dad's things for storage. I've made coffee if you'd like some."

BJ blinked at this sudden turnaround in Hawkeye's demeanor. He'd expected his friend to be a mess. Last night he'd been half psychotic and fully suicidal. Yet, here he stood; showered, shaved, and looking better than BJ had seen him since he'd arrived. He struggled to incorporate this newest turn into his internal scheme. "Coffee would be good." He paused a moment and tried to collect his thoughts. "How are you feeling today?"

Hawkeye looked up and the grin on his face was genuine. "Good. I guess I needed to get some things out of my system last night." He stopped and stared at the room around him. "I sure made a mess of this place. I've got a lot of work to do. I want to get this stuff boxed and stored."

BJ was still trying to catch up with the sudden change. "I'll help but let's eat first. Have you had breakfast? I make a mean French toast."

Hawkeye blinked and tried to shake the memory of the time he'd tried to make his father's French toast in Korea. Everything came back to Korea, even breakfast. "No actually that would be really good." Hawkeye tried to hide his pleasure. This was the perfect opportunity to get BJ out of the house. "I'm afraid we're short on some things though. Would you mind running to town and picking up some eggs and stuff?"

BJ smiled. Hawkeye was going to eat! "Hey no problem. Let me jump in the shower real quick." BJ started up the stairs to get ready. He started to feel that maybe there was some hope after all. The tightness in his chest started to ease and he pushed at the nagging sensation in the back of his mind. It was good to see some life coming back into Hawkeye. Surely packing up his father's belongings was a sign that he was ready to move on.

When BJ was ready to leave for town he stuck his head back through the door of the study. "Hey, Hawk, why don't you go with me? Get out of the house for a little while before we get down to the hard work."

Hawkeye smiled and shook his head. "I really need to get this stuff taken care of. You go ahead and we'll go out on the town later."

BJ hesitated but finally nodded. "Okay, is there anything else you need?"

Hawkeye looked at the boxes littering the floor. "Yeah, see if you can pick up some more boxes. I don't think there's going to be enough."

"Will do." BJ started for the car trying to reassure himself that this was a good sign. But there was something just out of reach in his mind and he couldn't put his finger on it. But perhaps Hawkeye had just needed to let loose some of what he'd pent up inside.

Hawkeye stood in the foyer until he saw BJ pull out of the drive and down the street. Then, he took a box of his father's stuff and went up stairs to the pull down door for the attic. Once in the attic he sat his father's stuff down and looked at the dusty relics that his father had stored away. There were a lifetime of memories up here but it felt that they were the memories of someone else. He turned back to the opening in the attic and tried to pull up the folding ladder. He didn't think BJ would be back in time to spoil his plans but he wanted to make sure he was hard to find just in case. If the rope broke his neck like it was supposed to it would only take a second. However, if it didn't he still only needed about four minutes. He gave up on trying to get the ladder back up and turned to the middle of the room.

He'd pondered the best way to go about this last night before he'd gone to sleep. The surest way to accomplish it would have been a gun. Seeing as how his father, as well as himself, were pacifists there wasn't one to be found in the house. Pills were too slow and he suspected there wasn't anything more lethal in the house than aspirin anyway. Of course, there was always slitting your wrists or your jugular. But it would be messy. As if death wasn't messy all on its own. Slitting an artery or vein was also overly dramatic.

So he'd climbed up here this morning and found some rope. He'd thrown it over the exposed beam in the attic and tied a noose, or at least as close to one as he could make, and now he was going to take care of business. He climbed up into the old Elizabethan chair that needed to be reupholstered and fingered the rope. It was a good, solid piece and would hold his weight easily. He put the loop of the rope around his neck. It would be quick enough and minimal in the mess department.

He paused before taking the step off the chair. Closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt the dust settle in his nose along with the smell of mothballs and dried wood. He had no doubts he was doing the right thing. He felt no sorrow and no self-pity. It was simply the easiest and best course of action. In the study, on his father's desk, he'd left a letter to BJ explaining his actions. He didn't want BJ to feel guilty about what he was about to do.

With a great sense of peace, the first he'd felt in three years, Hawkeye Pierce opened his eyes and stepped off the chair.

BJ had stopped the car on the side of the road just around the corner from the house. The nagging feeling wouldn't leave him alone. Something wasn't right and all of his instincts were screaming at him to go back to the house. It wasn't until he'd actually turned the car back around that he recalled the words of Sidney Freedman. "Sudden mood shifts! BJ you stupid son of bitch!" He slammed his foot on the gas and shot back toward the Pierce household.

Cursing, he jumped out of the car without bothering to turn off the ignition and ran toward the house. He'd been so glad to see Hawkeye acting a little more normal that he'd completely forgotten about Sidney's warning. Time seemed to slow as it does when one is in a great hurry. It gave the illusion that he had all the time in the world but the frantic beating of his heart and the cold twisting in his stomach made it a lie.

"Hawkeye! Hawk, if you can hear me answer me damn it!" He raced from the study to the living room and started up to Hawkeye's bedroom. His breath was coming in short ragged pants and he actually ran into the attic ladder in the hallway before he could stop himself. Cursing he grabbed the ladder and hoisted himself up and into the attic.

There were no windows in the attic save a small shuttered one that let meager light into the large room. His eyes were blinded for a moment having just come in from the bright sunlight outdoors. Before his vision could completely compensate he could make out the silhouette of a body swinging from the rafters. He took a deep breath and became choked on the dust that had been stirred up. Coughing and stumbling he ran over to where Hawkeye's body still swung like a pendulum. Once he reached Hawkeye he grabbed hold of his legs and lifted him up, trying to take some of the weight off of the rope around his neck. "Hawkeye, can you hear me? Hawkeye!" He couldn't tell from this angle whether the other man had lost consciousness yet and he hadn't taken the time to check before grabbing him.

Hawkeye wasn't that heavy especially since he'd lost all of the weight but the position was awkward. Hawkeye was tall and trying to hoist an unconscious body while it dangled was near impossible. BJ had the sudden image of marionettes and let a panicked giggle escape. He had no idea how he was going to get the rope from around his neck.

BJ was wrestling with trying to somehow pull the chair closer and upright it when he heard someone down stairs.

"Hawkeye, BJ, anyone home?"

Oh thank God! BJ didn't question why Sidney Freedman was here he only gave thanks that he was. "Sidney, up here in the attic, I need help!" He heard the sound of footsteps hurrying up the stairs and tried to keep a steady hold on Hawkeye to keep the pressure off his neck.

When Sidney's head cleared the attic floor he took a deep breath and vaulted himself the rest of the way inside. "Oy. Here I'll take his weight you get the rope from around his neck. Is he breathing?"

"I don't know, yet."

Once BJ was sure that Sidney had a good hold on Hawkeye's legs he up righted the chair and climbed up. Taking hold of Hawkeye around the chest with one arm he loosened the noose and slipped it over Hawkeye's head. Once they got him on the floor BJ listened for Hawkeye's breathing while Sidney checked his pulse.

"I have a pulse is he breathing?"

BJ shook his head and started trying to resuscitate Hawkeye. After a few tense moments Hawkeye coughed and although he didn't come completely around he was at least breathing. BJ sat up with his head thrown back. Now that the adrenaline was leaving his system he felt he might vomit. He gently probed Hawkeye's neck before glancing back up at the 'noose'. "It's a good thing we weren't in the navy."

At Sidney's questioning look BJ explained. "Then he would've known how to tie a proper knot and he would've been dead." BJ felt another giggle trying to escape. All of the pressure, the tension and adrenaline, was making him loopy. He was laughing so he wouldn't cry.

Sidney moved over and put an arm on BJ's shoulders. "I'll call for the ambulance. We'll talk after that."

BJ tried to get a better look at Hawkeye's neck while keeping his head and neck in proper alignment. They had no idea yet whether Hawkeye's neck was broken or not. BJ happened to have his medical bag and rushed to the spare room to get it. When he returned Sidney was back with the unconscious Hawkeye.

BJ checked his respirations, heartbeat, and eye dilation before he sat back and released his breath. "I don't know for sure how long he's been without oxygen. It couldn't have been too long but there may be brain damage." He peered under Hawkeye's chin without moving his neck and winced at the rope burn and contusions that were starting to form around his neck. "Hawk, what were you thinking?"


	6. Wake for Me

Interior Landscape

Chapter 6: Wake For Me

Hawkeye was resting comfortably in his room. BJ looked at his friend while chewing on his bottom lip. He still hadn't regained consciousness but the swelling in his neck was minimal and a trache tube had not been needed. Still, Hawkeye's neck had suffered muscle and tendon strain that was going to weaken his neck for a while. So they'd had to put him in a brace to help support his neck while it healed. All other test results looked good but they couldn't be sure about the brain damage until Hawkeye woke up. Sidney was out talking with the doctor on staff and BJ sat back and tried to release some of the tension that had been building up.

The sounds of sirens had brought neighbors of course. BJ had tried to ignore the whispers as he'd helped load Hawkeye into the ambulance. He'd felt like shouting at them, cursing them. They were ghouls all of them. If Hawkeye had been worried about what the townspeople thought before . . . well, it was nothing compared to what the rumor mill would be spreading now. Somehow word had gotten out that it was a suicide attempt and the word had spread from one person to another. BJ had had to clench his fists as the busybodies had started to ask questions. If it hadn't been for Sidney he probably would've decked them.

Sidney poked his head in the door and beckoned BJ to follow him out into the hall. "I don't want to move too far away. He probably won't be out much longer and I want to keep an eye on him."

BJ nodded and slumped against the wall. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, Sidney, especially now. But what are you doing here?"

Sidney sighed and looked down at his shoes. "Your phone call the other day wouldn't leave me alone. Usually I don't make house calls, especially to another state, but I was afraid that with Hawkeye's history something like this would happen. I had hoped to get here to head it off however."

BJ nodded. "I'd say you got here just in time."

Sidney was quiet for a moment, friend warring with analyst internally. "Tell me what happened."

BJ took a deep breath. "I told you about the nightmares he's been having. But Sidney, these are something else. I have nightmares, Hawkeye has. . . . I don't know what to call them. He's practically psychotic when he wakes up. Sometimes he becomes cognizant but others he doesn't" BJ stood up and looked through the small window in the door to Hawk's room. "Well last night he became lucid enough to realize that I was there." BJ turned to look back at the psychiatrist and laughed. "He all but told me he was going to do it. He said he couldn't do this anymore and when I asked him what he was talking about he said 'everything'. Then he went back to sleep."

Sidney nodded, his eyes crinkling in understanding. "Go on."

BJ took a deep breath. "When I woke this morning Hawkeye was in the study boxing up some of his father's things. He seemed much more like his old self again. He said he was hungry and asked me to go and get some stuff to make breakfast." BJ looked down at his shoes shaking his head. "I never considered myself a stupid person but what I did was stupid, Sidney. I believed him. I left him alone in that house after you warned me."

Sidney shook his head and reached over to take hold of one of BJ's arms. "You can't blame yourself for this, BJ. He presented you with what you wanted to see and in your joy you believed him. It was a natural reaction. With all the stress you've been under no one would expect you to be thinking clearly."

BJ shook his head. "I should have known better, Sidney. I heard what you said back in the swamp about a change of attitude before someone commits suicide. Then you reminded me again on the phone. There's no excuse!" BJ turned and thrust his fist into the wall drawing stares from the hospital staff.

Sidney reached around and pulled BJ's hand to where he could see it. He probed the knuckles. "I won't tell you how stupid that was."

BJ couldn't help the small smile that came to his face. "I appreciate that, Sidney."

Sidney continued to probe his hand. "I don't think anything's broken but you need to get it X-rayed to be sure."

BJ pulled his hand out of the other man's grasp and flexed his fingers a couple of times. "It's fine."

Sidney sighed. "You can't blame yourself for this."

Both men stood in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

Sidney walked back toward the room and let out a sigh, running his hand through his curling hair. "The real question now is; what should be done with Hawkeye?"

BJ looked up and studied the other man. "I know what you're going to say, Sidney, but I don't think it's a good idea. Can't we do this without hospitalization?"

"When someone attempts suicide it's an automatic hospital stay. It's obvious that Hawkeye is a danger to himself right now. He needs to be under supervision. The question is not whether he is hospitalized but do I call and see if I can get him admitted to a hospital here in Maine or do I take him back to New York with me and hospitalize him there."

BJ started to pace. "Sidney, I know the law but I don't agree that hospitalizing Hawkeye would be the best thing for him now. If anything it seems to get him more down. It seems to . . . emasculate him somehow."

Sidney followed the other man's nervous pacing. "You're going to wear a hole in the floor. Stand still a minute, BJ." He waited until BJ took a piece of wall and weighed his words carefully. "I could lose my license by not having him admitted. Besides how's he going to get the help he so obviously needs? Not only does he need psychiatric care right now but if he doesn't start to eat he's going to need medical care as well."

BJ looked down. He had no easy answers. "I don't know, Sidney. It just feels like Korea all over again to me."

Sidney nodded and leaned forward. "How about we put a hold on the decision for now. Let me talk to Hawkeye first. Then I'll be better able to make a decision."

BJ nodded and let out a breath. He did not want to see Hawkeye end up in some mental hospital again. "Okay. I suppose we can do that."

Sidney nodded and stood up from the wall. "I want to be in the room when Hawkeye awakens. If you feel up to it, why don't you take my car and go back to the house. See what Hawkeye was packing up."

BJ nodded and started off toward the exit. "Thanks, Sidney."

Sidney smiled and headed back into Hawkeye's room. He scooted up a chair so that he could better see Hawkeye in the bed and so he'd be in Hawkeye's direct line of sight when he awoke. Sidney stared at the man. He'd been home about a month now and he still looked thin and gaunt. It was a wonder he was still up and moving around. The amount of weight he had lost could qualify him as having an eating disorder.

Sidney rubbed his stomach ruefully. He'd certainly managed to gain back some the weight he'd lost. He winced at the stiff collar around the surgeon's neck, thinking how hot and uncomfortable it would be. Sidney settled back to wait out the unconscious man.

Back at the house BJ was inspecting some of the boxes that Hawkeye had packed up when the letter on the desk caught his eye. His stomach dropped as he saw that it was addressed to him. He fingered the envelope. He didn't really want to read Hawkeye's 'final words' to him. However, the thought that the letter might hold some clue to what was going on in Hawkeye's mind outweighed his distaste. Sighing he sat down and opened the letter.

_BJ,_

_If you're reading this letter that means that I'm gone. I hope my passing has not caused you too much grief. I'm not in pain now. BJ, I don't want you to feel guilty. There was nothing you could have done. If I hadn't done this now I would have done it later. I just didn't see any point in extending my suffering. Please believe me when I say that I know what I'm doing. I'm probably the sanest right now that I've been in months, maybe years._

_I don't belong here anymore. The war changed me somehow. I'm not the same person that I once was and I don't have any desire to be the person that I am now. I have no family, no ties, to keep me here so now seemed as good a time as any. You're friendship has meant a great deal to me. Without you I wouldn't have made it this far. _

_Perhaps it was all the pain and suffering, all the death that we saw over there. After all can someone be a witness to all of that without it staining his soul?_

_It took me a while to figure it out, BJ. I kept looking out at the landscape and it looked different, even though nothing had changed. That's when I realized that I was the one who'd changed. My inner landscape no longer matches the outer. Perhaps dad's death at this time is a blessing. It frees me to do what I have to do now that I have no responsibilities to anyone here. _

_As for the house and everything I own, dad left it to me in his will. A week ago I had my own will drawn up. In the event of dad's death before mine everything goes to you and your family. Please do with it as you wish. Again, BJ, please don't be upset. You have a family and life to go to. I have nothing. Now I need nothing._

_Sincerely,_

_Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce_

BJ wiped the tears from his eyes and angrily crumpled the letter before smoothing it out and rereading it. How dare he! It was sanctimonious even for Hawkeye to think that he didn't have responsibilities to anyone here. He'd already been telling Erin about Uncle Hawkeye.

Didn't Hawkeye understand that the whole 4077th had and still did consider him family? BJ stood and kicked the chair he'd been sitting in. The pain in his foot helped to clear his head and he sat back down to think. It seemed like what Hawkeye needed now was support. He needed to be reminded that he did have a place in this world. He finally let the tears roll down his cheeks that had been trying to escape since he'd first seen Hawkeye swinging from the rafters. His best friend was broken and his own soul echoed the same breaks.

A lot of what Hawkeye had said was true for him as well. He'd changed and he had the feeling he would never get the person he used to be back. He was no longer as carefree, as easygoing. He was no longer the person Peg had married and inside he was scared to death that she wouldn't be happy with the new him. Things were different for him too. Of course Peg hadn't given any indication she was unhappy but he worried just the same. Thank God he still had Erin and Peg. Without them he might be in the same shape as Hawkeye.

BJ sat there for a moment longer to get his emotions back under control. Then when he felt he had a firm grasp on himself once again he started back to the hospital.

Sidney was still waiting for Hawkeye to regain consciousness when BJ walked into the room.

"Sidney, I've got something here I think you need to see."

Sidney looked up from where he'd been studying Hawkeye and with a raised eyebrow took the letter. He read it slowly and digested what it told him. He motioned for BJ to come closer so he could talk without waking the sleeping man. "Thanks for sharing this with me, BJ. We'll talk more about it after I talk to Hawkeye. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee? You look like you could use it."

BJ nodded. "I will, Sidney. But I have an overwhelming urge to talk to my wife and kid first."

Sidney nodded in understanding and watched BJ walk out of the room. He understood. All of the sudden he wanted nothing more than to talk to his own family as well.

Consciousness came to Hawkeye in bits and pieces. The first thing that hit him was the headache. He raised his hand to his head and tried to hold the throbbing in. Next, there was fire in his throat as he tried to swallow and a stiff soreness in his neck accompanied by something hot and choking digging into his neck. He let his hand drop and tried to feel his neck. A neck brace? He opened his eyes, trying to get them to focus. There was someone sitting in front of him.

Hawkeye blinked the figure of Sidney Freedman into focus. He sat up and looked around him, his heart thudding hard adding to the percussion section in his head. Where was he? A hospital? Did Sidney already have him in the hospital? A hospital? He wasn't supposed to be anywhere.

Hawkeye lay back down and turned his head as gently as he could the other way. He let the tears fall freely. He was still here. He was still here and now Sidney was here and they were going to put him back into the laughing academy. Hawkeye tried to stifle the scream trying to rise out of his throat. He wouldn't, no, couldn't go back to a hospital and he didn't want to be here anymore. Why couldn't they just let him die in peace? Surely after all this time he deserved peace!

Sidney sat forward and spoke gently. "Hawkeye, look at me. Hawkeye, please look at me?" The other man continued to cry into his pillow. "I know you're in a great deal of pain right now, Hawkeye. I wish you'd let me help."

Still the other man continued to hide his face from him. Sidney frowned and weighed whether pulling out the big guns would push Hawkeye over the edge. "Hawkeye, we have to talk about this." Still no answer. Sidney sighed. "Right now I'm considering two possible hospitals. There's one right here in Maine where a friend of mine is the resident psychiatrist. The other is in New York where I work. Do you have any preference?"

Hawkeye curled himself into a ball as if by making himself smaller he could disappear.

Sidney sighed and sat back in the chair. "That's okay, Hawkeye. Take your time and get some rest. I'll be here when you're ready to talk." He clasped his hands and sat in silence, determined to wait the other man out.

After talking to Peg and listening to Erin jabber over the phone BJ had fallen asleep in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs. He was exhausted by the emotional turmoil of the day as grief, anger, and guilt had warred within him. He'd explained to Peg what had happened and she'd been understandably sympathetic. He'd been gone less than week and already it felt like a year. He curled himself up and wept silently. He cried for Hawkeye as well as for himself. Had the war permanently damaged the both of them?

BJ was about to drift back into sleep when he heard a shuffling from one of the other rooms. He looked out the window and saw that darkness had fallen. How long had he been asleep? Had Hawkeye regained consciousness yet? Getting up he wiped the tear crumbs and sleep from his eyes and went into Hawkeye's hospital room.

Hawkeye was still on the bed although curled up in a different position. BJ found he could breathe a little easier. At least Hawkeye had seemed to move from unconsciousness to a more natural sleep. Sidney was still sitting in the same chair, leafing through a magazine. BJ walked up to Sidney and put his hand on the other man's shoulder.

Sidney jumped slightly at the unexpected touch. He hadn't heard BJ come in. Sidney stood and motioned for BJ to follow him. He stopped in the doorway of the room where he could keep an eye on Hawkeye.

BJ followed the psychiatrist, glancing back at Hawkeye. He saw that his eyes were open but other than that and his shallow breathing there were no other signs of life. "Sidney, did you get a chance to talk to him?"

Sidney grunted and shook his head. "I talked at him. I'm afraid he's drawing into a kind of catatonic state. He's been in that same position for the last four hours."

BJ's eyes widened and he glanced back at his friend lying on the bed. "I'm not a psychiatrist, Sidney. Speak plainly. Are you sure he hasn't suffered some brain damage?"

Sidney shook his head and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I don't think so. When he woke up he seemed fully cognizant of where he was and who I was."

BJ sighed a breath of relief. One hurdle cleared only a million more to go. "Then what's wrong?"

Sidney lowered his voice even more. "I'm afraid Hawkeye is withdrawing into himself. He may be cognizant of what's going on around him but no one really knows. I think he's decided that since he can't kill himself he'll escape another way."

BJ tried to slow his breathing down. Images of the people in the psychiatric ward where he did part of his residency flashed through his mind. Not Hawk, not like that! "We've got to do something! Snap him out of it."

Sidney sighed and inclined his head toward the hospital bed. "You can try. Maybe he'll respond to you."

BJ nodded and started back over to Hawkeye. His footsteps slowed. What if Hawkeye wouldn't respond to him? What if he stared through him as the people in the hospital had? What if Hawk was gone for good? BJ tried to shake the thoughts away and slowly approached the other man. "Hawkeye? Hawk, it's BJ. Come on Hawk, talk to me."

BJ sat there and waited for his friend to move or say something, anything. "Hawkeye, if you don't say something I'm going to dump all of the gin down the drain!" Still, there was no response. Desperate he started grasping at straws. "Hawkeye, Frank is here and if you don't move he's going to operate on you!"

Hawkeye lay there unmoving. BJ wiped angrily at the tears on his face. "Hawkeye, you're part of my family I won't let you be shut away in some hospital. Please, say something!" BJ reached out and angrily grabbed hold of Hawkeye's hand and started pleading, the desperation in his voice evident from across the room.

Sidney came up behind BJ and put his hands on his shoulders. "Stop, BJ. He can't hear you. He's gone too deep."

BJ stood up and let out a cry. "He made it home and that damn war still got him! It's not fair, Sidney."

Sidney gently led BJ out into the hall and sat him down in one of the chairs. He got a glass of water and handed it to BJ. "Life isn't fair, BJ." He waited until the other man calmed some. "I need to make arrangements for him to be hospitalized. I know you wanted to avoid that but we don't have any other choice now."

BJ shook his head. "Why Hawkeye, Sidney? There were dozens of others in that damned war that deserved this fate. Hawkeye doesn't deserve this."

Sidney sat down and shook his head. "Sometimes it seems that those who are most deserving are the ones who don't have to pay. While those who are good people end up paying the price. I don't know why that is, BJ. Perhaps it's because they are good."

BJ sat in silence. "Are you sure that he has to be hospitalized? That he won't wake up tomorrow and talk and move?"

Sidney sighed. "I wish it worked that way. At the very least he's going to need IV nutrition. He can't eat in this state or take care of any other functions for that matter. Even if he did awaken he has to be hospitalized. He's just too unstable right now."

BJ leaned across the chairs and looked Sidney in the eye. "Promise me, Sidney. Promise me that you'll fix him. That he won't waste away in some Godforsaken hospital."

Sidney broke eye contact for a moment before looking back to BJ. "I promise I'll do my best. He has to decide to come back himself. There are some new techniques being used that might be helpful."

BJ shook his head. "What new techniques?"

Sidney sighed and tried to find the best way to broach the subject. "Electroshock for one."

BJ looked both perplexed and concerned. "Shock? You mean like what was used on the POW's?"

Sidney grimaced and waved his hand in front of him. "To a lesser degree. What was done to the POW's was drastic, barbaric. This would be a smaller dosage, more therapeutic than damaging. It's like restarting the brain. It's shown some promise in catatonic patients."

BJ sat back. "The brain is kind of delicate, Sidney. What are the ramifications?"

Sidney shrugged. "I won't lie to you. It's dangerous. There's memory loss, regression, basically it's not something to be entered into lightly."

BJ shook his head. "No. There has to be another way."

Sidney shook his head. "He may come out of it on his own. It wouldn't be the first thing I tried."

BJ nodded somewhat reassured. "So, what now?"

Sidney stood and ran his hands through his hair. "Since Hawkeye doesn't seem to be up to making any decisions for himself right now I'd like to take him back to New York with me. Given our history and the complexity of the case I feel that'd be best."

BJ nodded. "You'll be leaving in the morning then?"

Sidney sighed and tried to smile reassuringly. "Yes. I don't want to leave Hawkeye unattended tonight. Would you mind watching over him? I've got a long drive tomorrow and I need to get some sleep."

BJ nodded and stood as well. "Sure. Can you find your way back to the house?"

Sidney nodded and started down the corridor but paused and turned back to the other man. "BJ, I know you want to get back to your family as soon as possible but I was wondering if it would be possible for you to ride with me to New York. I could use the help."

BJ smiled and some of the tension he didn't know he was feeling leaked out of his shoulders. "Sure, Sidney. It'll probably be easier to catch a flight out of New York than here anyway."


	7. A Moment of Freedom

Interior Landscape

Chapter 7: A Moment of Freedom

BJ had been doing his best to stay awake and keep a watch on Hawkeye. At some point he must've dozed off though because the next thing he knew he was sitting up straight with his heart pounding in his chest. He jumped out of the chair and ran to the bed where Hawkeye was sitting up.

He grabbed hold of Hawkeye, mindful of his neck, and tried to pull him into a hug but the other man was stiff and not responding. At a loss for what else to do he climbed on the bed behind the screaming man and wrapped his arms around Hawkeye's shoulders.

Due to the injury to Hawkeye's neck his screams were, while still audible, thin and greatly reduced in volume. BJ winced at the thought of how much it must be hurting to force his already abused vocal chords to emit that fragile sound.

Over the thin screaming he heard a thump followed by a muffled curse and Sidney joined him shortly thereafter.

BJ blinked at the returning psychiatrist. "I thought you'd headed back to the house?"

"I had but I came back early." Sidney stood next to the bed. "Hawkeye? Hawkeye, I need you to answer me if you can." When there was no response he met BJ's eyes over Hawkeye's head. BJ shook his head.

Sidney looked back at the screaming man. "How long does he usually scream like this?"

BJ tried to estimate the time it usually took for Hawkeye to calm down. It seemed like hours but he knew that the actual time was a great deal less. "It can take anywhere from thirty minutes to over an hour."

Sidney stared at Hawkeye as he continued to stare off into space and scream at the horrors traipsing through his mind. He ran back out into the hall and waving away the hospital staff, retrieved the bags he'd dropped when the screaming started. He dug through one of his own and pulled out a syringe. "Hawkeye, I'm going to give you something to calm you down."

As Sidney was approaching Hawkeye with the syringe something must have gotten through to him because he started struggling and finally, breaking free of BJ's grasp, he vaulted over the opposite side of the bed and faced the two men.

Sidney stepped back, dropped the syringe, and ended holding his hands in a gesture of surrender while BJ stared wide-eyed at Hawkeye as he rubbed his ribs where an elbow had caught him. The three of them stood, staring at each other; each trying to gauge the reaction of the other. Was Hawkeye going to be lucid or had he finally slipped over the edge into full-blown psychosis?

Sidney forced a smile to come to his face and started to put his hands down but Hawkeye tensed as if ready to run so he put them back in the air. "Hawkeye, it's okay. You were having a nightmare and BJ and I were trying to help you."

Hawkeye was breathing heavily. He was aware of BJ and Sidney but at the same time he was seeing the monster he had become. He watched as everyone turned their backs on him, he watched as the dead tried to drag him under. He looked down at the syringe where it lay on the floor. Slowly he started shaking his head and backing up.

BJ's heart was still doing its best imitation of a jackhammer in his chest. "Hawk, it's me, BJ." Hawkeye was awake wasn't he? Or was this another episode of sleepwalking like he'd experienced while in Korea?

Hawkeye continued to back up and Sidney was afraid that he'd bolt for the window. He caught BJ's attention and signaled for him to try to maneuver around Hawkeye and get at his back. He put his hands down, drawing Hawkeye's attention back to him. "Hawkeye, listen to me. This is Sidney Freedman. You are in your hometown, in Crabapple Cove; you need to calm down so we can talk. Nobody here wants to hurt you."

Sidney tried to watch BJ's progress out of the corner of his eye without alerting the other man to what was going on. Hawkeye had stopped backing up and was staring at Sidney intently. Trying to gauge, or at least Sidney thought, what danger he presented.

BJ was able to sneak up behind the other man and gently but firmly put his arms around Hawkeye effectively trapping his arms to his sides. BJ expected a fight but Hawkeye simply stood there, all of the fight seemingly gone out of him.

Sidney motioned for BJ to bring Hawkeye back to the bed and he picked up the hypodermic and slipped it onto the table out of Hawkeye's reach. It wouldn't do him any good any more since it was no longer sterile. He met BJ and helped position Hawkeye back on the bed. Sidney stooped back down and placed his hands on the edge of the bed to seem less threatening.

BJ stood up and closed his eyes for a moment. Seeing his friend like this was terrifying. He put his arm around Hawkeye gently and rubbed his back, trying to offer what little comfort he could.

Sidney continued to stare Hawkeye in the eyes. There was no doubt that Hawkeye was seeing him. Perhaps there had been brain damage after all? "Hawkeye, can you talk to me now?"

Hawkeye blinked at the psychiatrist in front of him. The better question was did he want to talk to Sidney Freedman? "What do you want me to say?"

There were audible sighs of relief from both Sidney and BJ. Sidney sat back but didn't break eye contact with the troubled man before him. "How about: Hello, Sidney. It's good to see you?"

Hawkeye just stared at the psychiatrist and Sidney let out a breath. "Well, I guess I know where I stand. You've had a lot of people worried about you."

Hawkeye dropped his gaze to the floor before standing up and starting to pace the room. The other men's eyes followed him warily. "That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry you came all this way but I think maybe you'd better return home in the morning."

Sidney sighed and shook his head at BJ's shrugged shoulders. "I was planning on it actually." He stopped to see how Hawkeye would digest that. When the other doctor didn't react he continued. "You, BJ, and I are heading to New York this morning."

Hawkeye stopped pacing and stared at Sidney then at BJ. "Sorry, I wasn't planning on taking a road trip right now. I've got business here to take care of."

Sidney sighed and stood up. "I can't leave you here, Hawkeye. We talked about this earlier. I've decided that it would be best if I took you back to New York with me."

Hawkeye tried to shake his head and started pacing again. "Look, what happened earlier . . . it was stupid okay. It won't happen again."

Sidney sat down on the edge of the bed and crossed his legs, studying the pacing man. "What was stupid, Hawkeye? You trying to kill yourself or getting caught?"

Hawkeye stared at the man across the bed for a moment he started to argue, then, he decided against it. "Fine. I assume we're not leaving this early is it okay if I go back to sleep?" He made sure that the sarcasm was evident.

Sidney nodded. "Sure. We all need a little more rest before we head out."

Hawkeye started for the door but was interrupted by Sidney blocking his path. "Where are you going? I thought you wanted to get some more sleep?"

"Home. I'm going home."

"Hawkeye, I think it would be best if you go ahead and spend the rest of the night here."

Hawkeye considered arguing but decided that it was a moot point. He shooed BJ off of the bed and sat down.

Sidney and BJ watched as Hawkeye strode over to the bed and made a great show of lying down and getting comfortable. Sidney pulled BJ over to the side. "Do you want to get some sleep and let me keep watch?"

BJ looked over his shoulder where Hawkeye was lying down, still tense. "That's okay, Sidney. You'll be driving. I'll keep watch."

Sidney nodded and turned to go back to the room fixed up for residents to sleep in. "Make sure to keep close tabs on him. He gave in way too easily."

BJ went back and sat down in the chair. He didn't think Hawkeye was asleep yet but decided to leave him be. He needed some time to process what had happened. He really didn't want to see Hawkeye wind back up in the hospital. He knew from his residency that when patients returned a second time it was almost a sure sign that they would be the first few in a lifetime of admissions.

BJ felt that he was losing his best friend. He needed someone to talk to but knew that it was too late to call anybody. He really was exhausted. The whole day had been one long roller coaster ride from elation in the morning to panic and fear and then to anger and finally worry and regret. Was there anything he could've done to make matters turn out differently?

His musings were interrupted as Hawkeye turned over on his side and stared at him. "You going to play nursemaid the rest of the night?"

BJ tried to smile but it felt tight on his face. "'Fraid so. You really should try to get some more sleep."

Hawkeye stared at the other man. There were a thousand things that wanted to tumble out of his mouth. He wanted to scream, shout, and rant. He wanted to plead to be left alone. All of the pressure of all of the things he wanted to say broke the dam and tears started pouring down his cheeks and he could only manage one word. "Why?"

BJ slid onto the bed so he could sit next to Hawkeye. "Why what, Hawk?"

Hawkeye strangled a cry that wanted to come out. "Why did you have to come back so soon?"

BJ sat there, stunned. Slowly, the tears started to fall from his eyes as well. "Because I was worried about you. Because I knew that you'd try something and I didn't want to lose my best friend."

Hawkeye tried to blink the tears away but couldn't keep the muscles in his face from tightening and creating new ones. "I wish you hadn't. I wish you'd kept on going. I don't want to be here anymore, Beej. There's nothing left of me."

BJ wrapped his arms around his friend and hid his face in the other man's hair. "There is more left to you, Hawkeye. You have a whole life ahead of you. You have a whole family out there who wouldn't want to lose you. You can't go, Hawkeye. What would I do without you to help me pull off all of my practical jokes?"

Hawkeye pushed himself out of his friend's arms and turned onto his back, trying to shut himself off again. "You'd be fine, BJ. You have people who support and love you. You're strong, Beej."

BJ shook his head and took hold of Hawkeye's shoulders, forcing him to look at him. "No I'm not, Hawk. When I read your letter it echoed what was inside of me. I could've written that same letter. And damn it you have people who love and support you too."

Hawkeye just looked at his friend. He didn't want to hear this, couldn't deal with this right now. "I'm tired, BJ. I think I'm going to go back to sleep."

BJ slowly released his hold on Hawkeye and sat back. He watched as Hawkeye turned onto his other side and tucked his knees up. BJ sat there and let his own tears fall.

The next morning Sidney found BJ asleep with his head on the bed next to Hawkeye. He would have to be sure and talk to BJ before he left to go back to California. BJ was strong but he wasn't infallible and this was hurting him a great deal.

Sidney felt someone staring at him and he looked at Hawkeye. "Good morning." Hawkeye just kept staring up at him without answering. Sidney stuck his hands in his pockets and studied the prone man. "I'm surprised you didn't try to sneak out."

Hawkeye smirked and started to sit up. BJ's hand on Hawkeye's arm tightened and BJ woke up to look at his friend. "Need to go to the bathroom again?"

Sidney smiled and despite the seriousness of the situation couldn't stop the chuckle from escaping. "I see. Not for a lack of trying, huh?"

BJ blinked up at Sidney. "What time is it?"

Sidney looked at his watch. "It's just past seven. I'm ready to go and I took the liberty of packing some things for Hawkeye. We have some time for you to get ready." He held up BJ's shave kit and pointed to the bathroom.

BJ nodded and patted Hawkeye's arm before getting up and heading to the bathroom.

Hawkeye sat up and Sidney sat down next to him. "I would let you shower but I don't think you'd like letting me or BJ stand and watch so what do you say we skip it?"

Hawkeye glared at the other man. "This isn't necessary, Sidney. If you feel you have to analyze me why not just do it right here?"

Sidney shook his head. "It would take more energy than either BJ or I have to keep up with you all the time. This way I know you'll be safe until we can get this sorted out."

Hawkeye sat back and threw up his hands. "What if I said I won't do it again?"

Sidney smiled but it was a sad, tired smile. "I wouldn't believe you. I overheard you talking to BJ last night. I think you need some time and work before I'd feel safe letting you stay out of the hospital."

Hawkeye stood up and paced to the window with Sidney close on his heels. "Don't worry, Sidney, I'm not about to smash the glass and cut my wrists. I just want to look out."

Sidney smiled. "Glad to hear it."

"I don't want to do this, Sidney."

Sidney put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "I know but there isn't any other way right now. I know you're hurting and you need to be somewhere safe until you start feeling better."

Hawkeye angrily shoved off the other man's hand and went back to the bed.

They'd been on the road for five hours when they decided to stop and get lunch. Most of the ride had been endured in tense silence. BJ and Sidney would talk quietly in the front but attempts to draw Hawkeye into the conversations had been met with stony silence. He'd sat in the backseat staring resolutely out the side window.

The little diner was just outside of New York State. Sidney and BJ climbed out of the car and BJ slid the seat up for Hawkeye. Hawkeye glared at BJ. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Sidney nodded. "I need to make a visit to the little boy's room myself. Why don't you go ahead and get us a table, BJ."

Sidney started toward the bathroom with the keys to the car in his hand. Hawkeye followed him toward the bathroom while BJ found a booth and sat down. Hawkeye could feel the stares of the diner's occupants as he passed. He touched the neck brace but straightened up his shoulders and followed behind Sidney resolutely. Sidney went into the bathroom first and Hawkeye was passing behind him when he saw his chance. He swiped the keys from Sidney's hand and pushed him into the stall.

Hawkeye grabbed the wooden wedge that was used to hold the bathroom door open and closed the door using the doorstop to block it from being opened. He put his back to the door and listened to Sidney beat on the other side. His breathing was coming in short little pants. He was almost free. He just had to get past BJ and into the car but he would have to do it fast before Sidney drew attention to them.

Hawkeye peeked around the corner into the dining area and saw that BJ was studying a menu. Nonchalantly, so that he wouldn't draw attention to himself, Hawkeye strode out of the diner and to the car. He took a moment to glance back and saw that BJ was running toward the door of the diner.

Hawkeye jumped into the car, shoved the key in the ignition and took off out of the parking lot. He had no idea where he was going. He just knew he had to get away. He wouldn't let himself be kept a prisoner even if his friends meant well.

Back at the diner BJ stood in the parking lot yelling for Hawkeye to come back. Throwing up his hands he rushed back into the diner to the bathroom. He could hear Sidney on the other side of the door banging. He kicked the wedge out of the way and let Sidney out of the bathroom. "He's gone. He took the car before I could stop him."

Sidney shook his head and approached one of the waitresses. "Excuse me, Miss, I need to use the phone to call the police."

Hawkeye had no idea where he was and he didn't care. He felt bad about leaving his friends behind but knew that they'd be okay. He couldn't help that they were misguided. He had half a tank of gas and was determined to use it to get as far away from the other two as he could.

The highway was passing under his wheels and the scenery was sweeping by outside. Hawkeye rolled down the windows and ripped the brace off his neck, throwing it out the window. He winced at the strain he felt in his neck but worked it until it felt better. He let the fresh air dry the sweat and ease the tension in his shoulders. The open road and purring of the car was such a sweet sensation his teeth ached with it.

For the first time in a month he felt alive. The adrenaline was rushing and for the first time things didn't seem all that strange. He would never go back it felt so good. He would disappear; go where no one would find him. He relaxed back in the seat and felt some of the tension leave him.

He kept on driving and for a while the adrenaline high stayed with him. However, after a while the darkness started to descend on him. Too many days without any real nourishment and little sleep was catching up with him. He shook his head to try and stay awake. He winced as the movement reminded him of his sore neck. He adjusted the rearview mirror so he could see the damage to his neck. It was ugly. The bruises were a violent reminder of what his life had become. He banged his fist against the steering wheel causing the car to swerve onto the side of the road. He grabbed hold of the wheel when a passing car blew its horn and pulled the car back on the road.

Putting a hand to his neck he pressed gently on the bruises. The rope burn stung and he reveled in the pain. He remembered why he was out here. What sort of life would he have running? Hawkeye pulled over to the side of the road and put his head on the steering wheel. All of the pain and anguish that he'd held in started to pour out. And still it made no difference.

Even being a doctor held no allure for him anymore. He'd been inside one too many broken bodies, seen all of the death and destruction that he wanted to. His father was gone and he was a stranger even to himself. At least in Korea he'd known his place. Even if it was one he hadn't liked. He started to laugh and couldn't stop as the tears poured down his face.

He had no idea how long he sat there. It was starting to get dark and still the tears continued to pour down. He was too lost in his anguish to hear the tap on his windshield. He didn't react when the door was opened or when someone took him in their arms and started to rock him. He didn't look up when someone scooted him to the other side of the car and someone crawled in beside him. He was too tired to care anymore. Let them put him away; he didn't care.

The front seat was a tight squeeze with three people in it but they managed. Sidney thanked the officer and started the car. Next to him BJ continued to rock Hawkeye while the other man cried as if his soul was being torn out. Sidney turned his attention back on the highway and tried to ignore his own pain.

It hurt him to see Hawkeye in this shape. He was so lost and without any hope. Even when he'd been in the hospital in Korea there'd been some fight in him. Now it looked like the man was truly broken. He sighed and tried to keep his attention on the road. It was a ways yet to Brooklyn and he wanted to get there before full nightfall.

BJ continued to rock Hawkeye the rest of the car ride. He'd been so angry when Hawk had taken the car. Then, he'd been so scared. His relief at finally catching up to Hawkeye had been short-lived. Hawkeye was so deep in despair BJ didn't know if he was even aware that he was being cradled and rocked. Eventually the crying stopped and BJ felt Hawkeye relax into his arms, exhausted from the over-flow of emotion.

BJ looked over to see Sidney staring resolutely out the window. "How can one person hold so much pain?"

Sidney continued to look straight ahead as he contemplated his answer. Looked for the meaning behind the words. "The human mind and spirit is a remarkable thing, BJ. He'll pull through this."

The hospital in Brooklyn was huge. Hawkeye stood staring up at the brick structure. The grounds were so vast and Hawkeye could see trees in the fading light. It wasn't small like the hospital in Korea had been. He stared transfixed until Sidney took him by his arm to lead him forward. He thought about pulling his arm away but it would be a token gesture at best. They had him right where they wanted him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. At this point he wasn't sure he wanted to. In some part of him he relished knowing that he would be locked up. It was a fitting punishment for the misfit he had become.

BJ walked on the other side of Hawkeye carrying his bag. He too was staring up at the massive structure. It reminded him of the psych hospital where he'd done part of his training. There was a lump in his throat and he had to take deep breaths in order to breathe around it.

Sidney led the two men through the main entrance. He stopped at the desk and spoke quietly with the person manning it. Hawkeye stared at the policeman standing behind the desk. He was wearing a gun. Hawkeye closed his eyes and bowed his head.

BJ put his arm around Hawkeye. He could feel the other man shivering; feel the bones shift under skin that was stretched too tightly over them.

The waiting room was a cold place. There were chairs that family members would sit in to wait to visit their loved ones who were drooling and staring blankly into the air or smearing shit on the walls. There were windows and a couple of plants, some touches that tried to make the room seem homey but they weren't nearly enough to dispel the gloom that saturated the concrete and linoleum. And of course there was the door with its ominous lock. It was a terrible place, a place where families could put their loved ones when they got too tired or too embarrassed to care for them anymore. Hawkeye didn't need to be in a place like this. He looked up as Sidney came toward them, thought about protesting but kept quiet when he saw the resolution harden in Sidney's eyes.

Sidney took hold of Hawkeye before speaking to BJ. "BJ, I need you to wait here until I get Hawkeye settled. I'll be back shortly and you can come home with me and meet Miriam."

BJ looked toward Hawkeye. He looked scared to death; the reality of the situation taking hold and pushing the indifference away. BJ gave Hawkeye a hug. "I'll be back to see you. Get well. Remember, Erin wants to meet her uncle Hawkeye."

Sidney took hold of Hawkeye's arm and after a moment of resistance Hawkeye followed. Sidney went to the double doors and used a key to unlock them. He ushered Hawkeye through and after the doors closed behind.

Hawkeye stopped cold at the sound of the doors clanging shut behind him. The clang of metal against metal reverberated through his head and his breathing sped up. He couldn't do this. He couldn't submit himself to this kind of degradation. He was aware of Sidney gently pulling on his arm, coaxing him forward into this den of madness and despair.

"Come on, Hawkeye. It's okay. No one is going to hurt you here." Sidney continued to urge the other man as he would a balking dog. Speaking softly, he continued to murmur platitudes designed to ease and comfort.

Hawkeye eventually began to walk after Sidney taking in the hallway. He shuffled his feet and tried to shut out the reality of what was happening to him. Once he was inside he'd never be able to complete his plan. He would be made to sit and suffer. He continued to follow Sidney until they came to another set of doors where Sidney stopped and unlocked the door. Inside Hawkeye looked around at the people sitting around what appeared to be a large central room. Some of them were talking, others were playing a board game, and still others sat staring blankly. To the left side was a desk where nurses and other personnel were sitting keeping an eye on the patients.

Sidney waved a hand at the people behind the desk and led Hawkeye down one of the two hallways and into a room. "You're lucky. You don't have to share with a roommate." Sidney sat down on one bed and watched as Hawkeye walked over to the window to look out.

Sidney sighed. "Things will be a little different from the last time you were hospitalized." Sidney waited for some sort of response but all he got was silence so he continued. "You're going to be on what's known as suicide watch. That's why this room is so bare. You can wear your street clothes but you won't be allowed any belts or shoelaces and you will have to be watched when you shower."

Hawkeye continued to look out the window. There were bars on the outside that partially obstructed his view of the grounds.

He walked over behind Hawkeye and placed his hand on his shoulder. "I know this is hard, scary even. But you'll get through this. I promise."

Sidney turned to go. "I'll see you tomorrow, Hawkeye. Someone should be here in a minute to start you on an IV. You've lost too much weight and I'm afraid regular food will be too hard on your stomach. We'll try starting you on some soft stuff tomorrow." Sidney tried for one last stab at humor. "Try not to give the nurses a hard time huh?" Hawkeye just stared at him and Sidney shook his head. "It'll get better, Hawkeye. I promise."

Sidney left Hawkeye in his room and made his way back out of the hospital. He found BJ where he'd left him. "Just leave Hawkeye's bag with Steve here and he'll go through it."

BJ followed Sidney out of the hospital and back into the car. He was fighting to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He looked back at the hospital one last time before the car door blocked his view. In the car he watched as Sidney sat back and closed his eyes. "It's been a rough couple of days."

Sidney nodded and started the car. "I hate to see Hawkeye in this shape as much as you do, BJ. I wish things were different." He pulled out of the hospital grounds and started toward home. "Miriam is expecting us. No doubt she'll have dinner ready. I think you'll like her, BJ."

BJ nodded. "I'm sure I will. You don't mind if I call Peg when we get there do you?"

Sidney shook his head. "My house is your house. You're welcome to stay as long as you like."

BJ nodded and stared out the window at the passing landscape. "What's going to happen to Hawkeye now?"

Sidney looked at the other man quickly before turning his attention back to the road. "It's a little more difficult this time. It won't simply be a matter of getting him to remember things. I've got to convince him that life is worth living. There'll be a great deal of therapy and I may have to put him on medication although I'll try to avoid it if I can."

BJ nodded and went back to staring at the landscape. "Thanks for taking such good care of him, Sidney."

Sidney smiled as he parked in front of his home. "What are friends for? Come on and call Peg. Then get ready to eat some of the best food you've ever had."


	8. Were You Mad?

Interior Landscape

Chapter 8: Were You Mad?

Hawkeye was lying on his bed toying with the IV tubing when Sidney came in the next day. He was unshaven but at least they'd made him shower. "You'd better not mess with that. They tend to get aggravated when you pull out your IV." Sidney came in and sat on the empty bed and stared at Hawkeye, hoping for a reaction of some kind. When there wasn't one Sidney stood up and took the other man's pulse. "I just wanted to make sure you were still with me."

Still no reaction and Sidney began to worry that Hawkeye had retreated once again into some inner landscape. "They tell me you wouldn't touch the stuff they brought in for you this morning." Sidney paused. "You know it's hard to carry on a conversation when I'm the only one participating."

Sidney breathed a sigh of relief when Hawkeye turned over and looked at him. He smiled. "Glad to see you're still with me. How was your night?"

Hawkeye closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't feel like talking, Sidney."

"That bad huh?" Sidney leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "You'll feel better if you do. Besides we've been through this before. You talk to me and you get out of here. If you don't then this could end up being a very long stay for you." Sidney paused to let that sink in. "Now why aren't you eating? I know it's not the best in the world but you've eaten worse."

Hawkeye stared at the other man. "I'm not hungry."

Sidney nodded. "If you don't start to eat something soon more drastic measures than just an IV will have to be used." When Hawkeye didn't respond Sidney sighed and crossed his legs. "Let's talk about what it's been like since you came home. Did you have a good homecoming?"

Hawkeye blinked and sat up. "It was fine. It was good to see dad again." He pulled at the IV tubing and stared at the needle inserted in the back of his hand. He could pull it out open a vein. It would be messy but effective. "It was everything I thought it would be."

Sidney jumped on the opening. "So when did it start going bad?"

Hawkeye pulled his attention from the needle in the back of his hand and forced himself to concentrate on Sidney. "I'm not sure. The next day or the next. Everything just wouldn't slip into place."

"And then your father died."

Hawkeye was silent for a long time before he finally looked down at the bed. "I don't want to talk anymore, Sidney."

Sidney thought for a moment deciding whether to push him or not. "Okay, Hawkeye. We can take this slowly." Sidney walked out of the room and to the nurses' station. "James, I want Dr. Pierce under twenty-four hour watch. He shouldn't be left alone with that needle in his hand. Later today get him out of his room and keep him out as much as possible. Make him stay in the dayroom." Sidney wrote a note in Hawkeye's chart. "Someone call up to the front desk and have them escort Dr. Pierce's visitor back."

Sidney stayed at the nurses' station catching up on his charting until BJ was escorted onto the ward. He ushered BJ into a side office and closed the door.

BJ took a seat and looked up at Sidney. "How is he?"

Sidney smiled. "He talked to me a little bit. I'd say that's an improvement. He's not eating though."

"Can I see him?"

Sidney opened the door. "Of course." He led him toward Hawkeye's room. "When does your plane leave?"

BJ checked his watch. "In a couple of hours. I wanted to give myself plenty of time so my visit wouldn't be rushed."

Memories of the last time BJ had visited Hawkeye in the hospital flitted through his mind.

"Stay as long as you like. I'll be in my office when you're ready."

BJ smiled. "Thanks, Sidney." He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

Inside Hawkeye was still lying on his bed and didn't bother to look up until BJ spoke. "Hey, Hawk."

Hawkeye sat up on the bed and stared at the other man. "Beej."

BJ sat down on the other bed and looked around the room. "Not much on decorations are they? How are they treating you?"

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders. "They're afraid I'll off myself with a pencil."

BJ nodded, he was familiar with suicide precautions. "I meant what I said; I want you to come out to California and visit us."

Hawkeye lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "Are you sure you want to expose your family to a crazy person?"

BJ shook his head and stood up so he could look Hawkeye in the eyes. "You're not crazy, Hawk. You're just having a hard go of things is all. I mean, my God, look what you've been through!"

Hawkeye smiled but there was no humor in it. "The last time you came to see me in the hospital it was to tell me good bye. Is it the same now?"

BJ sighed and nodded. "I've got to get back home to Peg and Erin but I wanted to see you before I left."

Hawkeye nodded and closed his eyes. Tears escaped his closed lids and he turned his head into the shoulder of his upraised arm to hide his face.

BJ sat down on the bed and put his hand on Hawkeye's face to turn it back so he could look at him. "What'd I say, Hawkeye? As soon as you get out of here you're going to come and see me. You're my family too."

Hawkeye shook his head and tried to hide his tears. He was ashamed at BJ seeing him like this, like an invalid. A crazy person that had to be kept under lock and key. He tried to curl up into a ball to try to hold in all the hurt that was tearing him apart.

BJ smoothed Hawkeye's hair and stared at the ceiling, trying to stop his own flow of tears. He'd seen the war wreck thousands of lives but this one hurt the most. Hawkeye was like a brother to him. He'd kept him sane when it felt like he was going to go crazy. He'd held him when he cried over missing his family and had forgiven him when he'd punched him in a fit of rage. Hawkeye had been his touchstone and now he would do everything in his power to return the favor.

Eventually Hawkeye's sobs ceased and BJ knew it was nearing the time when he'd have to leave. He got up and started to go thinking that Hawkeye had fallen asleep until he reached out and grabbed BJ's hand.

Hawkeye looked up and tried to smile for his friend. "Don't forget me, Beej. Please."

BJ covered Hawkeye's hand with his other. "Never. I'll be in touch."

Hawkeye nodded and squeezed BJ's hand reluctant to let go of his last tether to sanity.

BJ returned the squeeze and walked quickly out of the room before he could start tearing up again.

A week had passed and Hawkeye's IV had been removed earlier that morning. Everyday, except on the weekend, Sidney had come and made him talk. Everyday. He'd gotten a letter from BJ with a drawing from Erin enclosed inside. He'd also gotten a letter from Colonel Potter, without the drawing of course.

Hawkeye was sitting in a chair looking out the window when Sidney came in that day. "When am I getting out of here, Sidney?"

Sidney sat down on Hawkeye's bed. "Don't you think you're jumping the gun a little bit? You just got off of the IV, give yourself some time."

Hawkeye looked around at the psychiatrist. "Well that's all I've got isn't it? Time?"

Sidney smiled. "That's a luxury. Most people nowadays rush from place to place. How was breakfast this morning?"

Hawkeye made a face before turning back to the window. "I think it could probably give the 4077th a run for its money."

Sidney laughed. "Not a chance. I've eaten at the 4077th and I thought I'd been poisoned." Sidney turned more serious. "Yesterday you were telling me about how you'd changed."

Hawkeye nodded and continued to stare out the window. "I'm not the same anymore, Sidney. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I can't be who I was."

Sidney nodded. "I'd say there are a lot of people who came out of the war feeling like that."

Hawkeye shrugged. "Yeah but other people had somewhere to go after the war. I don't."

Sidney leaned forward. "It sounds to me like you've got an open road before you. You have nothing to tie you down. You're a smart man. You could start out fresh, write your own way."

Hawkeye shook his head and started to pace. "That's just it. I don't want to. I don't feel like it." All of a sudden he paced back to the chair and flipped it over. "Everything I had has been stolen from me by that damn war! It wasn't a police action it was a war and FUCK anyone who says differently!"

An orderly came running, having heard the crash and shouting. Sidney waved the orderly back and watched as Hawkeye stood there seething. "What's been stolen from you, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye snarled and turned back to the window. "Everything! Time with my father, my love for medicine, and myself. It's all gone, Sidney, and I'm lost."

Sidney stared at the other man. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Hawkeye. Perhaps you can be found again."

Hawkeye continued to stare out the window and didn't say anything.

Sidney shifted. "Tell me about what happened when you came home."

Hawkeye shook his head. "I'm done talking today."

Sidney stood and walked closer to Hawkeye. He couldn't let the other man continue to shut down when he didn't want to talk about something. "Not today, Hawkeye. What happened when you came home?"

"No!" Hawkeye turned and charged Sidney pushing him out of his way. Sidney, caught off balance, stumbled over the overturned chair and fell to the floor. Hawkeye started for the door but was met by an orderly. Hawkeye tried to push him out of the way but the orderly caught his arms. Hawkeye tried to free himself but still weak was unable.

Sidney picked himself up off the floor. "Hawkeye, calm down or we'll have to sedate you."

Hawkeye went limp in the orderly's arms. Sidney approached and looked him in the face. "Are you going to be calm?"

Hawkeye tensed but then relaxed again before nodding his head. Sidney nodded to the orderly and he released Hawkeye slowly. Sidney waved the orderly out and stepped back motioning for Hawkeye to come further into the room.

Hawkeye straightened out his robe and walked back to the window. Sidney stared at the other man. "You can't keep avoiding this. What happened when you came home?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "Nothing happened."

Sidney sighed. "We're going to talk about this. Tell me what happened."

Hawkeye turned back and stared angrily at Sidney. "Why? Why is it so damn important for you to know what happened?"

Sidney shrugged. "Call it a hunch."

Hawkeye stared at the other man for some time before letting the tension out of his body and going to his bed and sitting down. "Dad picked me up at the airport. He'd planned a welcoming home party with some of my friends."

Sidney waited. "Yes, go on."

Hawkeye swallowed. "They were all the same. They hadn't changed at all. They were a little older, a little greyer but they were the same. They expected me to be the same."

Sidney nodded. "What happened, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye couldn't look up at the psychiatrist; he picked at the blanket on his bed instead. "Some of the guys' kids were out back goofing off. One of them lit some firecrackers."

Sidney frowned now having a better idea of where this was headed. "Did the noise frighten you?"

Hawkeye let out a laugh. "You could say that. I grabbed Dickie Barber and pulled him down to the ground with me all the while yelling for everyone to get down." Hawkeye was laughing now and didn't think he'd be able to stop.

Sidney leaned forward. "How did everybody react to that?"

Hawkeye continued to laugh. "How do you think? They all stared at me like I'd grown a second head. Everybody got real quiet and they just stared." Hawkeye's laughter turned to sobs. "They looked at me like I was crazy." He gestured to the room around him. "I guess they were right."

Sidney smiled softly. "You're not crazy, Hawkeye. Troubled but not crazy. What'd you do when everyone looked at you?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "I couldn't take it. I left and took a walk down to the pond. When I came back everyone was gone and everything had been cleaned up like there hadn't been a party."

Sidney nodded his head. "How did your father react to you after that?"

Hawkeye looked at Sidney, the pain clear in his eyes. "Like he was walking on eggshells."

"Were you mad at your father for treating you that way, for arranging the party?"

Hawkeye shook his head vigorously. "No. He was a good man."

Sidney scooted forward. "I didn't ask if he was a good man. I asked if you were upset with your father."

Hawkeye lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. "Please, Sidney. Let me rest."

Sidney stared at the other man. "Okay. You've done a lot of work today. Rest some and then come out into the dayroom. You don't need to be shut up in this room all day."


	9. High Swing

Interior Landscape

Chapter 9: High Swing

Hawkeye was staring out of the window in the dayroom. He'd been trying to play a game of chess but found he couldn't concentrate. There were so many thoughts running through his mind so fast and he had so much energy. He hadn't slept for three nights and he knew he should be tired but he just couldn't seem to lie still.

He'd tried walking on the furniture like he used to do back in the swamp but they'd quickly put a stop to that. He'd paced up and down the halls, tried to give advice to his fellow inmates, and even tried picking up a nurse or two for old time's sake. He was getting tired of this. There was nothing to do! He needed to go for a walk. A real walk, outdoors, in the open where he could get some fresh air. He didn't care that he was still in his pajamas and robe or that it was nearly nightfall. He just wanted to get out of there.

Hawkeye studied the nurses at the nurses' station and tried to decide which one he might be able to charm. He finally decided on Nurse Crane although at this point he was desperate enough that he would've tried Stevens if he thought it'd get him out of here. He sauntered over to the nurses' station and cleared his throat. "How about you and me take a moonlight stroll through the lovely gardens here at the Institute for the Mentally Deficient?"

Lauren Crane glanced up at the patient. She tried to suppress a smile. It wouldn't do to encourage him. "I don't think so, Dr. Pierce." She frowned as she watched him shift from foot to foot. "Are you feeling anxious, Ben."

"No, no not at all. And it's Hawkeye, Lauren. May I call you Lauren? That's a beautiful name by the way. I had a dog named Lauren once but her hair wasn't nearly as blonde as yours must be."

Lauren Crane frowned and checked Benjamin's chart. "Uh huh." He didn't have orders for any kind of sedative but she didn't like how agitated he seemed to be getting.

"What do you say? Take a walk with me and I'll be a good boy and eat all of my applesauce."

"I don't think so, Hawkeye. I've got work to do okay."

Hawkeye gripped the edge of the counter a moment before pacing back to the center of the room. He really, really needed to get out of here. The thing that was building inside of him pushed and he felt that he was going crawl out of his skin. He ran towards the door and tried to open it. When that failed he kicked the door. He pushed the orderlies who'd surrounded him back and ran back toward the nurses' station. "Give me the keys. I just want to go for a walk. I'll come back I promise."

Lauren had jumped back when the patient charged the counter. "Dr. Pierce, you need to calm down."

"I don't want to calm down. I want to go for a WALK! Why can't you people understand that?" He tried to get the around the island but found himself blocked by a couple of burly orderlies. "Let me go!" He tried to swing a punch but found his arms trapped to his sides. He continued to struggle while the two orderlies restrained him.

Lauren picked up the phone to call Dr. Freedman. "Put him in isolation and stay with him until I get orders from the doctor!"

Hawkeye felt himself being lifted from the ground and carried down the hall. He had to get out. He had to expend this energy, this driving force someway or he'd blow apart. He settled on the only thing that was left to him and started screaming. He continued to scream and curse until he found himself set down inside a room that was bare except for a bed. There wasn't even a window. Now he couldn't even look outside. He was released and started to pace but his two shadows stayed with him, monitoring his every move. The energy was turning to rage and he tried to dodge out of the way and get to the door without success. He turned to throw a punch at the wall but was stopped before his fist could make contact.

He had no idea how long this lasted. This being caged like a wild animal but finally the door opened and Nurse Crane walked in carrying a hypodermic. "We've got orders for four points and a sedative."

The two goons crowded him and before he could evade them they had him down on the bed. He writhed and twisted but couldn't get out of their grasp. He yelled again but they weren't listening. He tried to explain that he wanted to go out but for all that they were listening he might've been speaking a foreign language. He felt their hands replaced by straps that were then tightened to the bed. He was still struggling to get free when he felt a sting in his right hip and looked down as the offending needle was pulled out of his flesh.

He felt his body start to relax involuntarily no matter how hard he fought against it. He was aware of the staff exiting the room and the sound of the door closing behind them and then darkness started to descend on him. The last thing he was aware of was the sound of someone whimpering and the thought that he wished they'd shut up before the drug took him completely.

Sidney looked through the small window in the door to the observation room. Hawkeye had been doing so much better and then the setback had come. Into the second week Hawkeye's mood had shifted drastically. Not to the ease that one comes to when they've decided to kill themselves. No, Hawkeye went into a full manic episode.

Sidney had suspected that Hawkeye could easily slip into the frenzied state of perpetual motion that was better known as a manic episode. He'd seen the way the doctor would go full tilt, rant and rave and pull crazy stunts. Part of that was just Hawkeye. However, he'd quit sleeping and become irritable, almost violent on some occasions. He'd finally had to intervene and sedate the other man.

He unlocked the observation room and stared at Hawkeye as he slept on the bed. The straps had been loosened earlier but with him showing signs of waking up again they'd had to put them back on until it could be assessed what shape Hawkeye was in.

Hawkeye was pale and thin. The weight he'd started gaining back had quickly fallen away as his energy increased.

Sidney pulled a chair from the hallway into the room and sat down to wait for Hawkeye to awaken. It was yet to be seen how much this would complicate Hawkeye's recovery. No doubt there would be some ramifications. There was a chance that Hawkeye wouldn't become so out of control again. The situation was probably brought on by the fact that Hawkeye was trapped in here without anyway to expend his energy. A groan from the bed brought Sidney out of his reverie. He stood up so Hawkeye could see him without straining his neck.

Hawkeye felt like he had cotton in his mouth and his head was pounding. He tried to bring his hand up to hold his head but found he couldn't lift it off the bed. He snapped his eyes open to see Sidney staring down at him. He looked at one arm and then the next. He tugged at the straps before glaring up at Sidney. "What the hell, Sidney!"

Sidney put his hand on the other man's arm to still his struggles. "Settle down, Hawkeye. If you can be calm I'll undo the straps."

Hawkeye tried to calm his breathing. "Yeah, sure okay. Just let me out of these things."

Sidney undid the straps on Hawkeye's legs first and then checked to make sure the other man would stay still. When Hawkeye remained laying still he undid the straps on his arms and stepped back. "Sit up slowly in case you experience any dizziness."

Hawkeye sat up and rubbed at his wrists where the straps had chafed his skin. "This is a little kinky even for me, Sidney. Mind telling me why I woke up strapped down to a table?"

More reassured that Hawkeye was going to remain calm Sidney sat down and smiled a little. "Why don't you tell me what you remember?"

Hawkeye stared at the other man and tried to remember what had happened before he woke in restraints. "I was writing a letter to BJ and then. . ." He broke off, brow furrowed in concentration. "I wanted to go for a walk but they wouldn't let me."

Sidney nodded. "That was two days ago, Hawkeye. Do you remember anything else?"

Hawkeye felt the blood drain from his face. "Two days?" Images flashed through Hawkeye's mind; images of being cornered and drugged, of being shadowed

Sidney stood, alarmed, that the other man might faint and nodded. "I'm curious, Hawkeye. Have you ever had times when you couldn't sleep for long periods?"

Hawkeye was still reeling from the news that he'd lost so many days. "Sure. I experience a little insomnia once in a while. It's not all that uncommon you know."

"Was there ever a time when you couldn't sleep and had to be sedated?"

Hawkeye swallowed and got up off the bed to start pacing the room. "Yeah, once. It had been crazy. Wounded kept coming in and I kept working. I don't remember much but Trapper drugged me and eventually I went to sleep."

Sidney furrowed his brow and tried to remember Hawkeye's service record. "How come there wasn't anything about that in your file?"

Hawkeye laughed. "Come on, Sidney. You remember Henry Blake. He wasn't known for being thorough."

Sidney stared worriedly for a moment as the other man continued to pace. "Hawkeye, can you sit down and sit still for me?"

Hawkeye looked at the other man and walked slowly to the bed. "Sure, no problem."

Sidney observed as Hawkeye started bouncing his foot. "Uh huh, while you have so much energy let's talk about your dad."

Hawkeye stood again and started to pace. "What do you want to know? He was a good man, a good father. He was doctor who practiced small town medicine. He liked to fish and was more of a homebody than I ever would be. He loved my mother very much and never remarried although he did have one serious girlfriend at one time."

Sidney smiled. "He sounds like a kind man. I bet he cared a lot for you but sometimes you know we get angry at the people we love and that's okay."

Hawkeye's pacing became more aggravated. "Well, we had our fair share of arguments as I was growing up." He turned to Sidney and approaching him he kneeled down in front of him. "Sidney, when are you going to let me out of here? There's nothing to do it's worse than Korea! At least in Korea the boredom was broken up by an endless stream of bodies."

Sidney stood and looked down at Hawkeye. "Hold tight a minute." He stepped out of the room closing the door behind him. Sidney motioned for a nurse to come to where he stood. "Stevens, bring me 25mgs of Chlorpromazine." He waited a few moments while the nurse brought him the drug.

"Do you need help, Dr. Freedman?"

Sidney nodded. "Get James to come and stand outside the room. He can come in if I need him. Otherwise I'd like to do this with as little struggle as possible."

Sidney stepped back into the room and closed the door behind him. "Hawkeye, you still seem a little agitated. What's going on?"

Hawkeye didn't pause his pacing. "I told you there's nothing to do here. There's not even a window in here to look out on all that I'm missing."

Sidney nodded and glanced behind him to where he could see the orderly standing outside the door. "Why don't you let me give you something to help calm you down?"

Hawkeye stopped pacing and stared at the other man. "No. No drugs. I don't need drugs."

Sidney sighed but stood where he was. "It's not much. Not like what you had before. This will only calm you so we can continue our conversation."

Hawkeye shook his head and put his back to the wall. "No drugs, Sidney. I'm serious."

Sidney rubbed and hand over his brow, nodded, and James stepped through the door of the room. "Hawkeye, I need to give you this medicine. You can let me do it or I'll get James here to help me. It's your choice."

Hawkeye stared at the two men and fought the tears that came to his eyes. He hated this. They wouldn't let him go to live his own life and they wouldn't let him go to die. Finally he nodded and stepped forward.

Sidney motioned for James to step back outside and took hold of Hawkeye. Hawkeye rolled up his sleeve but Sidney shook his head. "I need to put this in your hip. You don't have enough meat on you to take it in the arm."

Hawkeye dropped his sleeve and pulled down the side of his pants to allow Sidney access to his hip. He felt the coolness as Sidney swabbed the area with alcohol. He hissed as the needle broke his skin and the medicine was pushed in. It was a weird sensation, cold and burning at the same time.

Sidney swabbed Hawkeye's hip again and stepped back. He stared at Hawkeye as the other man stared back. The look in his eyes as he stared at Sidney tore at the other man's composure. He wasn't sure his friendship with Hawkeye would survive this ordeal. Sidney opened the door and handed the used syringe to James, thanking him for his assistance.

When he turned back into the room Hawkeye was pacing again but the drug was starting to take hold and he was slowing down. Sidney watched as Hawkeye made his way to the bed and sat down. "What'd you give me?"

"You're probably familiar with it. It's used primarily as an antiemetic but Chlorpromazine has sedative properties as well." Sidney sat back down in the chair. "I believe you said at one time that your father treated you like he was walking on eggshells. How did that make you feel?"

Hawkeye lay back down on the bed and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."

Sidney sighed. "I think you do. Did it make you angry?"

Hawkeye sat up and glared at the psychiatrist. "Yes, okay it made me angry! Is that what you want to hear?"

Sidney nodded. "It's a start. What about it made you angry?"

Hawkeye got up and started to pace again but sat back down when he found he didn't have the energy. "It made me angry because I couldn't be the person I was! I was a stranger to my own father and now he'll never get to know me!" Tears started streaming down Hawkeye's face but he didn't care. He was beyond embarrassment.

Keeping eye contact, Sidney leaned forward. "That must've hurt very much."

Hawkeye lay back down on the bed. "I'm tired, Sidney. I just want to go to sleep and forget all of this."

Sidney stood up and walked over to the bed. "Are you still having thoughts of suicide?"

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I don't feel like there's much left here for me. It would be easier you know. Just to go to sleep and never wake up."

Sidney nodded and put his hand on Hawkeye's arm. "Sometimes easiest isn't always best you know. Give it some time. Things will get better."

Hawkeye met the other man's eyes. "How do you know that, Sidney?"

Sidney smiled and patted Hawkeye. "It can't get much worse now can it?" Sidney stepped back to the door. "Get some rest, Hawkeye. We'll see about moving you back to your regular room tomorrow."

Sidney was in his office when the phone call came through. He put down his pen and picked up the phone. "Dr. Freedman."

"Hey, Sidney. You doing okay?"

Sidney smiled and sat back in his chair. "Sure. You know me, I'm in my element."

BJ's chuckle carried down the line. "Good. I was wondering if you could give me an update on Hawkeye."

"It's been a rough road but things are going better now."

"Hey, that's great news. Any idea when you'll be releasing him?"

Sidney sighed and opened up Hawkeye's folder. "Well, that's the problem. We're getting to a point where I'd be comfortable discharging him but without any support net I'm afraid he'd end up right back where he started."

"Well, why didn't you say so? He can come and stay with me and Peg."

Sidney sighed. "That's an awful lot of responsibility to take on, BJ. Besides I'd be more comfortable if he was closer so I could keep tabs on him." Sidney sighed and shook his head. "Do you really know what you'd be getting yourself into? He's not a hundred percent and it may be a good long time before he is."

BJ was quiet on the other side of the phone for a while as he thought over what the doctor said. "Sidney, Hawkeye is my best friend. I don't start my position here at the hospital for a couple of months. Why don't Peg, Erin, and I come out there and get him. We could spend some time in New York and decide what to do from there."

Sidney thought it over. "If you're sure Peg would be okay with it then I don't see why not."

Sidney could hear BJ's grin over the phone. "Great! When should we come out?"

"Give us another week with him before you come." Sidney paused and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm glad you're able to do this, BJ. I was sort of at a loss about what to do."

"No problem, Sidney. I'll see you in a week."


	10. Prism in Red

Interior Landscape

Chapter 10: Prism in Red

BJ greeted Sidney with a hug. "It's good to see you."

Sidney hugged him back. "It's good to see you too. Where's the family?"

"Oh they're back at the hotel. Erin was fussy from the plane ride so Peg decided it would be best to let her catch a nap."

Sidney started for the double doors. "Come back to my office for a few minutes. I want to talk to you before I release Hawkeye."

BJ followed Sidney down the hall and onto the ward where Hawkeye was staying. He looked around the dayroom for his friend but didn't see him anywhere. BJ followed Sidney into his office and sat down in one of the chairs. "Hawkeye does know I'm coming for him right?"

Sidney sat down and smiled at the other man. "Of course. He's been chomping at the bit ever since I told him he was going to be released. I think he has mixed feelings about staying with you though."

BJ frowned. "Does he want to go back to Maine?"

Sidney shook his head. "No I don't think that's it. I think he's ashamed although I've tried to convince him there's no reason to be. Also, you know how independent Hawkeye is." Sidney bent and pulled out a bottle from one of his desk drawers. "Want a drink?"

BJ graciously accepted a glass of the bourbon. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

Sidney took a drink and nodded his head. "He's liable to be moody and somewhat distant especially at first. He needs a lot of support. He's not suicidal anymore or I wouldn't be releasing him but keep an eye out for sudden mood shifts just the same. How comfortable is Peg with this?"

BJ waved his hand. "Oh she's fine. She says she feels like she knows Hawkeye already from all that I've told her."

Sidney smiled.

"Is he going to be on any medicines?"

Sidney held up his hand and left the room. When he came back he was holding a prescription bottle. "This will be enough to get him started. He takes three a day no more and no less. He may balk at taking them but make sure he does. It's important that his blood levels stay stable."

BJ took the bottle and shook it. The only label on it had Hawkeye's name and date of birth on it. "What is it?"

"Hawkeye has what's known as Manic Depressive Illness. This is Lithium. It's a fairly new treatment but the reports are very promising and Hawkeye is doing very well on it."

BJ frowned as he studied the psychiatrist. "Manic Depressive. I know that Hawkeye has always been a little excessive in his moods but that's a bit extreme isn't it?"

Sidney sighed and weighed how much to tell him. BJ was going to be looking after Hawkeye but there was still doctor patient confidentiality. "Believe me, BJ, it's not extreme. He had a very severe manic episode." He paused and took a drink from his glass. "But with this medicine he should be able to live a normal life."

BJ tried to digest what he'd been told. From what he knew manic depressive illness was very serious. It wasn't that long ago that a diagnosis like that got you a one way ticket to places like this. "Okay. How long do you think we'll need to stay in New York?"

"Oh a couple of weeks should be fine. Are you anxious to get back to California?"

BJ shook his head and smiled. "No but I've been on the phone with Colonel Potter. . .Sherman and he and his wife have invited us all down to Missouri for a visit."

Sidney smiled and stood up. "A reunion? It may actually do Hawkeye some good. Come on, let's put him out of his misery and release him."

The ride back to the motel had been completed in silence. Hawkeye had been glad to see BJ and anxious to get outside. He appreciated what his friend was doing but felt bad that BJ had had to come all this way to baby-sit his crazy friend. He took in the sights of the outside like it was a banquet before a starving man. One month seemed like an awful long time to be cooped up inside.

He turned to BJ as they pulled into the motel parking lot. "You didn't have to come all the way out here for me, BJ. I would've been fine. Sidney worries too much."

BJ grinned as he parked the car. "I told you not to worry about it, Hawk. I wanted to do it."

Hawkeye shook his head as he stared at his friend. "Yeah but you haven't even had time to settle back into your own life. You shouldn't be out rescuing me."

BJ sighed as he got out of the car. "You would do the same for me, Hawkeye. It's no problem. Now, I want you to meet my lovely wife and beautiful daughter."

Hawkeye grabbed his bag out of BJ's hands- he wasn't an invalid damn it- and followed him to one of the doors of the motel. BJ stopped and motioned toward the next door. "Peg and Erin will sleep in there and you and I in here."

"You don't have to stay in the same room with me, BJ. Go sleep with your wife."

BJ shrugged and opened the door. "Hawkeye, don't be a pain, okay. I'm staying with you because I want to not because I feel like I have to."

Hawkeye glared at BJ and walked past him into the hotel room. It was your standard fair-nothing fancy. Basic hotel art graced the walls, dull enough to make anyone fall asleep. At least the beds were made and it seemed clean. Hawkeye had been in some motels that would make mice run screaming. He set his bag on the bed next to the door and plopped down on his back with his hands tucked behind his head.

BJ went into the bathroom and came back out a minute later a little more refreshed and a whole hell of a lot more comfortable. "Let me check and see if Erin is awake. Are you hungry?"

"Nah. I ate just a little before you sprung me. I think I'll just lay here for a while and soak up the feeling of being free."

BJ grinned. "Well, don't get too comfortable. If Erin and Peg are awake I know they'll want to meet you." BJ left the hotel door open so he could keep an ear on Hawkeye and walked next door.

Hawkeye kicked his bag off the bed and sat up. He felt irritable. He was drifting and didn't know what to do. He was putting his friend out and BJ was too good to complain about it. He stood up and walked into the bathroom. He stood staring at himself in the mirror.

His hair was so grey it matched the pallor of his skin. He'd been pretty tanned from his time in Korea but that had faded away. His cheeks were hollow helping to create the illusion of deep bruises under his eyes. Hawkeye stared at himself in the mirror and tried to find some shadow of the man he used to be. He rubbed his hand over his face and closed his eyes. When he opened them again he jumped at the sight in the mirror of someone standing behind him.

He whirled around but no one was there. Hawkeye sat down on the edge of the tub and tried to calm his racing heart. He took deep breaths and threw his head back. There was no one there but for a moment he'd seen the image of his father standing behind him. He sat there with his head in his hands trying to sort out what had happened. Had he gone crazy? Really crazy?

Hawkeye felt a hand on his knee and jumped almost landing in the tub. BJ was kneeling in front of him, the worry on his face plain as he searched Hawkeye's eyes.

"What's wrong, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Nothing I just moved too fast and got dizzy is all."

BJ took his hold of his wrist feeling for the pulse. "Your heart is going a mile a minute." BJ stood up and wet a cloth before putting it on the back of his neck. "You're skin and bones. No wonder you started to faint. Here help me get you back to bed."

Hawkeye stood as BJ took hold of him under his arms laid him on the first bed they came to. Hawkeye lay back and tried keep himself from hyperventilating. He threw his arm over his eyes and tried to sort out what had happened in the bathroom. He'd been thinking about how bad he looked and then the next thing he knew he'd been staring into his father's eyes in the mirror.

He felt a warm softness cover him and removed his arm to see BJ spreading a blanket over him.

"You're freezing, Hawkeye. If I didn't know better I'd say you were going into shock. What happened in the bathroom? It had to be more than you just getting dizzy. You look scared."

Hawkeye stared at the other man and tried to decide how much bullshit he would buy. "I guess this whole ordeal has been pretty hard on me. I just overdid it. I'll be fine after I get some rest." He continued to meet BJ's eyes, willing him to believe it.

"Okay. Fine. Erin is still asleep. I was going to go and find us something to eat but I don't want to leave you alone until you're feeling better."

Hawkeye started to sit up but quickly lay back down when the room started to spin. He desperately needed some alone time to process what he'd seen. "Go ahead, BJ. I won't move from this bed until you get back." At seeing BJ's doubtful expression he rushed on. "Really. I am kind of hungry. I probably won't start to feel better until I eat something."

He watched as BJ studied him before he nodded and picked up the hotel keys. "Okay. But I mean it, Hawkeye. Don't try to get up and move around."

Hawkeye nodded and waved for BJ to leave. When BJ had left the room he let out a sigh and tried to sit up slower this time. When the room didn't tilt he carefully made his way back into the bathroom to stare into the mirror. He willed his father's image to appear again but the space over his shoulder remained empty. He wasn't sure if he'd hoped to see his father again or whether he feared it.

He walked back into the main room and started to pace. He felt so damn restless. There was nowhere to go and no one to see. He had no purpose and it was eating at him. He'd done well to hide his anxiety and depression while at the hospital. He feared if he'd been completely honest they would never have let him out. Hawkeye walked to the door and threw it open and ended up staring in the face of a beautiful blonde woman carrying a small child.

Hawkeye swallowed the yelp that tried to escape. He stared at the woman for a minute before regaining his senses. He recognized the woman of course from pictures and a film that she'd made for BJ.

Peg Hunnicut smiled tentatively and held out her free hand. "You must be Hawkeye. It's good to finally meet you."

Hawkeye took her hand still trying to recover from the shock. "Mrs. Hunnicut. If you're looking for BJ he went out to get food."

Peg smiled and hefted the little girl on her hip. "Call me Peg. No I knew he'd left I wanted to come and meet you."

Hawkeye nodded and stepped out of the way so that she could come on in the room. He pulled out a chair for her to sit in. "I'm sorry I wasn't expecting to meet you until later. I look a mess."

Peg laughed and took the seat. "Erin, honey you ready to meet uncle Hawkeye?" The child blinked sleepy eyes up at him and hid her face against her mother's shoulder. "I'm sorry she's not usually shy. She's just tired."

Hawkeye nodded and sat down on the bed. "I'm sorry to impose on you and BJ this way. I told BJ not to worry about it but he doesn't listen very well."

Peg laughed again and shook her head. "You're telling me. But really it's not any problem. I was glad we could help and I've always wanted to see New York."

Hawkeye nodded and looked around as the silence stretched out. The oddness of being alone in a hotel room with BJ's wife struck him and he stood from the bed. The old Hawkeye would've been able to make a thousand lecherous comments but the new-and not so improved-version didn't have the energy. He realized he was staring at her and began to pace.

Peg cleared her throat realizing the man was uncomfortable. "BJ tells me you're from Maine. Is it beautiful there?"

Hawkeye smiled recognizing her attempt to put him at ease. "Very. It was a great place to grow up." Hawkeye stopped pacing and looked out the window of the hotel. "I came from a small town not a big city like this. It was idyllic I guess you could say."

Erin chose that moment to whimper and Peg started to rock her. Hawkeye had a bad moment. He hadn't heard a child cry since that fateful trip to the beach in Korea. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants and turned from the window. "How about you?"

Peg had noticed Hawkeye's reaction to Erin's whimper. She'd heard from BJ about what'd happened on the bus and subsequent turmoil that Hawkeye had gone through. She smiled at his attempt to brush the memories away. "Oklahoma born and raised. I haven't gotten the chance to travel much so this is a real treat for me."

The door to the hotel room opened and BJ walked through carrying some brown paper bags. He smiled at his wife and dropped a kiss on Erin's tow head. Then he turned to Hawkeye and tried to look stern. "I thought you were going to stay in bed until I got back."

Hawkeye shrugged. "It seemed rude to lie down in the presence of company."

BJ smirked. "Yeah, right. Okay guys we have dinner I hope everybody is in the mood for hamburgers."

Something woke BJ. He couldn't remember what it was but something wasn't right. He peered over to where Hawkeye had fallen asleep on the other bed and sat up when he saw the empty sheets. BJ jumped up and strode to the bathroom but it was empty. Cursing, he pulled on his pants over his shorts and grabbed the motel keys.

He stepped out into the cool night air and looked around for any sign of Hawkeye. He slammed his fist into the wall behind him and grimaced at the flare of pain. Hawkeye could be anywhere. Sidney had said that Hawkeye wasn't suicidal anymore but what if he was wrong? OhgodHawkeyewasmissingandprobablydead. BJ knew something had been wrong with Hawkeye in the bathroom earlier that day and BJ was convinced it was more than just poor nutrition or lack of sleep.

He turned in circles hoping for some glimpse of the other man. Who knew how long he'd been gone. They'd both gone to bed at about ten and it was probably now about two in the morning. "Motherfucker!" BJ turned to the next room and tapped lightly on the door to Peg and Erin's room.

When Peg answered her hair was ruffled and her face was flushed with sleep. "BJ, what is it? Is everything okay?"

"Did you hear Hawkeye come out of the room?"

Peg studied BJ's worried face and knitted her brow in a frown. "No. Is he gone?"

BJ swore under his breath and tried to calm the writhing mass of panic that had started in his belly. "Yeah. You and Erin sit tight. I'm going to go look for him. He left everything in the room including his wallet so maybe he hasn't gone too far."

Peg nodded and clutched the bathrobe tight to her neck. "Be careful, Beej."

BJ nodded and took off in a half jog down the street looking for any sign of Hawkeye.

Hawkeye hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been awakened by a horrible nightmare. Not able to shake the memories, he'd decided to go for a walk and try to clear his head. The night was cool with the feeling of the coming winter and he shivered slightly without his jacket. The city was quieter now, resting for another hectic day. Here and there was still the noise of traffic and lights still dotted the night landscape.

He still felt uncomfortable in his own skin, out of place and adrift in a world that had gone on without him. And now he was putting his friend and his family out because they felt he needed a caretaker. He stopped walking for a minute and stood on the corner of the relatively quiet street. Hawkeye threw his head back and let the cool city wind blow across his tired face. He felt his energy flagging and decided to head back to the motel.

He was looking down at the pavement, preoccupied with his own thoughts, memories, when he started across the street, in hindsight not a particularly smart thing to do. Hawkeye was halfway across the street when he was startled out of his reverie by the sudden light blinding him and the screeching of braking tires. He looked up to see a car (Were cars always that big?) speeding towards him. Too shocked to try and throw himself out of the way he threw up his hands, for all the good it would do him, and tried to shield himself from the impact. He heard more than felt the impact of the car's bumper and hood against his hips. He was airborne for what seemed an eternity though in reality was more like a couple of seconds and then there was a crunch as his head smacked into the windshield of the speeding car.

For a moment he was aware of the scared looking kid behind the wheel of the car. He rolled his eyes, trying to focus and saw the windshield. His last thought before unconsciousness took him was how pretty the spider web of cracks looked. Someone had even added a hint of red to outline the prism made of glass.

BJ was about three blocks from the motel; despair warring with panic for control of his brain. He was about to head down a side road when he heard the screech of tires and a dull thump from up ahead. His gut turned to ice and for a moment he thought he would throw up. He knew, somehow he just knew, that Hawkeye was hurt. 'Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.' Running as fast as he could he covered the distance between himself and the accident with a speed he hadn't used since Korea.

He skidded to a stop and stared at the tableau before him. People were already gathering around the sight of the accident. People bored with their own lives and possessing a morbid curiosity to see what tragedy had befallen some poor soul. BJ pushed his way through the gathering mass and ran to where the body was sprawled on top of the car's hood. He didn't need to turn the lanky figure over to know that the broken, bleeding body belonged to Hawkeye Pierce. He ignored the other people and climbed on top of the crumpled hood. Grabbing Hawkeye's wrist he let out a sigh of relief when he felt a pulse. It was thready and way to quick but it was there. He moved to Hawkeye's head gently, trying not to put any pressure on the shattered windshield lest he fall through.

His head was turned to the side so BJ didn't have to move the head, which was good because he was afraid there might be damage to the spine. He pried open Hawkeye's right eye and stared at the blown pupil. He felt his gorge rise and tried to swallow it back down. He concentrated on taking deep breaths. He would do his friend no good by throwing up on him. He turned back to the staring crowd. "Someone find a phone and call for an ambulance, hurry!" He couldn't help the growl that came out of his throat. His friend was dying and there wasn't a damn thing he could do.

Either more time passed than he'd been aware of or someone must've called for ambulance before he got there because he could hear sirens and in a moment the ambulance came into view. He prayed it was the latter. Every minute could make the difference between Hawkeye's life and death. He helped the paramedics get Hawkeye onto a stretcher barking orders at them. When Hawkeye was safely loaded into the back BJ got the name of the hospital where he was being taken and watched as the ambulance pulled out with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

When the ambulance turned the corner BJ stumbled over to the side and threw up everything he'd eaten in an entire month. He'd seen people in just as bad or worse shape and he hadn't thrown up since his first month in Korea but the fact that it had been Hawkeye's blood that he'd been trying to staunch, Hawkeye's head he'd been trying to hold together had been too much. BJ's stomach continued to revolt and he heaved until tears ran down his face and he was forced to hold onto his ribs.

Over to his right he could hear the kid who'd hit Hawkeye pouring out his story to the cops. "I swear he appeared out of nowhere. He was just there. I tried to stop really I tried but I couldn't do anything. He just jumped in front of the car!"

BJ closed his eyes as his stomach tried to crawl up through his mouth. Sidney had been wrong. Hawkeye was still suicidal and this time he may've just succeeded. BJ wiped at his mouth with his wrist and started to hail a cab when he remembered he didn't have his wallet on him. Cursing he turned back toward the motel and took off at a jog cradling his ribs.

Margaret Houlihan checked her watch as she entered the doors to the hospital. There was plenty of time so she slowed her pace and went into a nearby bathroom. In the mirror she checked her makeup, hair, and made sure her cap was on straight. She was just coming off of a lunch break and wanted to make sure she still looked fresh. As head surgical nurse she had to set an example for the other nurses under her. Satisfied by her appearance she smiled at herself in the mirror.

Her father had been furious when she'd resigned her commission but she didn't really care anymore. She had lived her whole life for him and his beloved army and she had been tired of it. What had serving the army gotten her? Her heart had been broken numerous times and she had no family of her own. She could still be a successful nurse as a civilian and she'd jumped at the chance to take the position here in New York. She wanted to make a life for herself that was her own. Not one that her father had laid out for her.

Straightening her uniform she checked her teeth one last time and started toward the surgical ward. She smiled at the people she knew and felt a sense of contentment settle over her. She was approaching her ward when she slowed and eventually came to a halt. She blinked to make sure she was seeing whom she thought she was seeing. In the surgical waiting room sat a man who looked awfully familiar. He had his elbows on his knees and his head was down but she'd recognize him anywhere. She felt her lunch turn to stone in her stomach as she imagined what could've brought him here.

She approached slowly taking in his blood stained clothing and the disheveled state of his clothing and hair. When he looked at her she could see the confusion in his eyes. There was a smear of blood on his cheek where he'd probably wiped at his face. His eyes were bloodshot and his face flushed. She stared at him but couldn't find words.

"Margaret?" The voice that came out was choked and faint with grief.

Margaret set down on the chair next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "BJ, what is it? What are you doing here?"

He stared at her a moment trying to integrate the strange new twist he blinked as reality hit him hard. "Margaret?"

Margaret stared at him worriedly. He looked to be in shock. "Yes, BJ, it's me. What's happened?"

BJ stared at her a few more moments before shaking his head, shaking a few more tears loose as a result. "Hawkeye is in surgery. Concussion, probable subdural hematoma."

Margaret drew in a gasp and dropped her hand. Hawkeye? She remembered his goofy grin and their last kiss before she headed out of camp. She touched her lips; still feeling the warmth of his lips as he'd nibbled at her own, still feel his tongue as he'd explored her thoroughly. She blinked as tears came to her own eyes. "What's happened?"

"He was hit by a car. Some poor kid out in his dad's car hit him." BJ's voice choked off. "It looks like he deliberately stepped out in front of the car."

Margaret was silent trying to let the news sink in. Not only was Hawkeye badly hurt but he'd done it deliberately? "My God, why?"

BJ sat back wondering how much to share with the former major. Deciding it didn't really matter now he told Margaret about the hard time Hawkeye had been going through.

Margaret sat and listened, her face going pale as she heard the details that had led up to this moment. "I had no idea…I wish I'd known. Does Sidney know?"

BJ nodded and closed his eyes. "He said to keep him in touch and he'd come up when he was needed." BJ tried to choke back a sob. What Sidney had meant was 'if' he was needed.

She stared at BJ. The man looked absolutely exhausted; his fear and worry wearing him down. She stood and tried to push her feelings out of the way in order to put on her professional mask. "I'll go scrub up and see if I can assist in the surgery. I'll keep you updated."

BJ tried on a smile but it came out tired and ghoulish. "Thanks, Margaret."


	11. What Were Your Intentions?

Interior Landscape

Chapter 11: What Were Your Intentions?

BJ sat staring at Hawkeye as he lay on the bed still unconscious. Two burr holes had been drilled into his skull to relieve the building pressure caused by the subdural hematoma. His head was swathed in bandages and his face was black and blue. He had stitches in his left cheek and numerous other places over his upper torso caused from flying glass. His hip and femur were badly broken and he'd probably walk with a limp for the rest of his life. There was IV tubing trailing into both arms dripping precious life saving fluid. Aside from the bruises the only other color on his face was soft feathering of his lashes against his pale cheeks. The rest of his skin matched the sheet upon which he lay.

BJ closed the book he'd been trying to read and walked over to the windows overlooking the rest of the hospital. He'd sent Peg and Erin back home since he wasn't able to spend any time with them and Erin couldn't come into the ICU ward. He'd also given Sherman Potter a call since it didn't look like they'd be making that trip to Missouri as planned. The Colonel had been understandably worried and upset and BJ had to do some fast-talking to convince him that there was no need for him to come to New York.

Margaret visited everyday. Once before she went on duty and again when she got off. She always brought BJ something to eat and sat a while to keep him company. In his comatose state Hawkeye wasn't much of a conversationalist. It'd been four days and while there'd been some improvement, Hawkeye didn't seem any closer to regaining consciousness. The sunlight streaming through the window couldn't compete with the harsh hospital lighting and BJ found that it was giving him a headache.

He was still standing at the window contemplating the city that was New York when there was a knock and Sidney Freedman walked in followed by Margaret. This was the first time that Sidney had been to visit Hawkeye and BJ watched as he stood by the bed and contemplated the broken man lying on it.

Sidney stared at his patient and felt the anger building within him. He'd been so sure that Hawkeye was past the suicidal stage. If he hadn't been he would never have let him out of the hospital. However, it looked like he'd been wrong and it had almost cost him his friend's life. "I must be getting old. I thought for sure he was recovering."

BJ walked over and put his hand on Sidney's shoulder. "Hawkeye's always been good at hiding his feelings, Sidney."

Sidney shook his head. "Yeah, but not from me. It's my job to know when people are hurting. I let him down."

BJ squeezed Sidney's shoulder, not sure what to say. He didn't blame Sidney; he blamed himself for not keeping a better eye on Hawkeye.

Margaret looked up from where she was sitting, holding Hawkeye's hands. "So you're not God, Sidney. Everyone makes mistakes." She continued to rub Hawkeye's skin around where the IV port was inserted, trying to ease the discomfort. "Hawkeye has always been hard headed. Once he makes up his mind about something there's no stopping him."

"How is it that you always know what to say, Margaret?" Sidney smiled softly down at the former major.

They all stared at the unconscious man for a while before Margaret stood. "I've got to get back to work. "

BJ and Sidney watched as she rubbed Hawkeye's arm murmuring a soft goodbye and walked back out into the hall. BJ motioned for Sidney to take the chair that Margaret had vacated and pulled the one on the other side of the bed over and sat.

Sidney stared at the Californian. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face looked drawn. Worry for his friend had etched lines on his face making him look older than he was. "Margaret told me about Hawkeye's condition but she didn't update me on you." He smiled. "How are you holding up through all of this?"

BJ tried to smile back but it felt like the muscles in his face had forgotten the motion. "I feel responsible. You left him in my care and I screwed up. I knew there was something wrong." BJ stopped and shook his head. "I mean he was distant and not the Hawkeye that we'd all come to know and love in Korea but there was an incident in the bathroom at the motel that had me worried."

Sidney sat back and crossed his legs. "What sort of incident?"

"I'd stepped out of the room to check on Peg and Erin and when I came back in I found Hawkeye in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub. Sidney, he was pale and shocky. He said he'd moved too fast and had gotten dizzy but I knew he wasn't telling the truth." BJ shook his head and stood up and went back to the window. "I was worried so when I left to get food I had Peg take Erin and go next door to keep an eye on him."

Sidney frowned in thought. "Do you think it was a memory? A flashback?"

"You're guess would be better than mine but something had him rattled." BJ turned from the window and walked back to stand on the other side of the bed. "He's going to have to go back into the hospital isn't he?"

Sidney sighed and stared at Hawkeye. "It looks that way." He continued to contemplate him. Finally he stood. "Call me if. . ." Sidney stopped and smoothed his hand over his face. "When he wakes up."

BJ nodded and watched as Sidney Freedman left the room. He turned back to Hawkeye and stared at his friend. "Well, Hawk, you're just all sorts of fun. Feel like playing some cards?" He grabbed his deck of cards and started dealing them out on the bed next to the other man's leg. He continued to play for some time but finally got tired and gathered his cards before he sat back. "A lot of help you were."

He continued his one sided conversation until he felt someone standing behind him. He turned and stood when he saw the man behind him. "Colonel? It's good to see you!" He came around the chair and gave the older man a hug.

Sherman Potter returned the hug and pushed the larger man back to get a good look at him. "That's Sherman to you." He grinned to belie the harsh tone of his words. "It seems that civilian life agrees with you. You look good, tired, worried, but good." He stepped around BJ stood at the side of the bed staring down at his former surgeon.

There was a tightening in his throat when he saw the shape that Pierce had gotten himself into. He turned back to BJ. "Has he regained consciousness yet?"

BJ shook his head and motioned for the older man to sit down. "Not yet. We're a little worried. They may have to go back in and try to relieve some more pressure."

Sherman shook his head and stared at his former surgeon. "He looks like hell. BJ, are you sure that he did this on purpose?"

BJ shook his head and sighed. The sound carried and it sounded like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Not for sure but it looks that way from what the kid driving the car said."

"It's a shame."

BJ turned to the other man and studied him. "Civilian life seems to be agreeing with you too." He grinned and tried to shake the pall of worry and guilt off. "Not that it's not great to see you but what are you doing here? I told you it wasn't necessary to make the trip"

Sherman rocked back in his seat and nodded, pursing his lips. "Well as I remember I'm the one who gives the orders. Besides, I thought that Pierce could use some support." He was quiet a while, considering his next words. "Lord knows I'd never try to replace the lad's father but I've always looked upon you boys as sons and I thought that perhaps Pierce could use a father figure right about now."

BJ smiled and patted Sherman on the back. "I think he'd appreciate that."

It was another two days before Hawkeye started to show signs of consciousness. BJ had given Sidney a call knowing that the psychiatrist would want to be there when his patient woke up. The two men sat tense as Hawkeye started to come around.

The first thing Hawkeye was aware of was the pounding in his head. Apparently someone had decided to put a whole percussion section inside his head and forgotten to tell him about it. Slowly awareness came to the rest of his body and he found he hurt everywhere. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes only to slam them shut when the light pierced through to his brain. He groaned and stopped in surprise at the croak that came out of his throat. "Either I've swallowed a frog or I'm speaking with someone else's voice."

He tried to open his eyes again, more slowly this time, and ended up staring at the two men sitting beside his bed. He blinked the two figures into focus. "Please, excuse me if I don't get up." He groaned again. "What hit me?"

Both men were silent for a moment before BJ cleared his throat. "A car."

"Oh, is that what it was?" Hawkeye stared at the two men. "You're serious?"

Sidney leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. "What do you remember, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye stared at the psychiatrist. Just to be sure, he stared at the room around him but it looked like a normal hospital room. Not like the rooms at the psychiatric hospital which tried to pass for normal rooms with soothing colors and quaint little bars over the windows. "I'm not sure. I remember going to the hotel with BJ and Peg." He frowned and stared hard at the psychiatrist. "Why can't I remember?"

BJ stood up and poked his head out the door to call for a nurse. "You've had a pretty severe head injury. Probably some retrograde amnesia."

Hawkeye looked to Sidney and felt panic grab hold of his heart. "Is that why you're here, Sidney? To take me back to the laughing academy?"

Sidney shook his head and went to put his hand on Hawkeye's arm but stopped when the other man tried to jerk out of reach. "We need to find out what happened, Hawkeye. In any case I won't be taking you back until you're a little more healed."

Hawkeye stared at the psychiatrist before laying his head back on the pillow and closing his eyes. He opened them again when the door opened and someone walked into the room. He stared at Margaret Houlihan for a moment before all the blood drained from his face and he passed out.

The next time he awoke it was dark and at first he thought he was alone. He let out a sigh of relief and tried to get comfortable. 'Not an easy thing to do when a car has hit you'. He started to giggle but stopped when it hurt his bruised ribs. A rustling to his left brought his attention to the side and he stared at the silhouette.

"Glad to see you're awake, Hawkeye." Margaret leaned forward and held a cup of water so he could take a sip through the straw. "You really know how to make a lady feel good, fainting that way."

Hawkeye took a sip before spitting the straw out. "Margaret? What are you doing here?"

She set the cup down and straightened out the covers around him on the bed. "I work here." She stopped and stared at him before continuing. "I have for about a month."

Hawkeye looked back toward the ceiling and swallowed. "Aren't I keeping you from your other patients?"

Margaret smiled and shook her head. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I'm off duty now. I told BJ and Colonel Potter I'd stay while they went out to get a bite to eat." She studied the thin frame and gaunt face. Always thin, he now looked like a bag of bones. "BJ's been really worried about you. So has Colonel Potter."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and lifted an arm to cover his eyes. "Colonel Potter? Well isn't it great to be so popular."

Margaret straightened out the IV tubing so he wouldn't get it tangled and pull it out. She cleared her voice, trying to think of some way to broach the subject gently before finally giving up. "They think you threw yourself in front of that car on purpose you know." He remained quiet so she continued. "I find that hard to believe. The Hawkeye Pierce I knew would never do something like that."

Hawkeye turned to look at her and the glare was worthy of killing. If Margaret had been less of a woman it might have made her cry. "Then you don't know me very well. Besides, didn't they tell you that I already tried to kill myself once? What's one more time?"

"Yes, but that was after your father died. You were grieving. Now you've had time to deal with that. Please, Hawkeye, did you throw yourself in front of that car on purpose?"

Hawkeye stared into the cool blue eyes of the former major. "Why aren't you at some army hospital? You were always so eager to serve dear old Uncle Sam."

"I decided I wanted something more out of life than the army could offer. Now answer my question, Pierce."

Hawkeye turned his head from her and tried to shut out the memory of her eyes. It was masochistic, really. The pleasure he gained from seeing all of his companions from Korea. The pain was a knife in his gut at the memories they brought with them. They were nothing but a reminder of what had been stolen from him and at the same time they were probably the only ones who could understand him. "Why do you care? Just leave me alone, Margaret. I haven't had time to myself in so long I've forgotten what I was like. Please, just leave."

Margaret bit her lip and fought the tears in her eyes. She wouldn't allow herself to cry. She was stronger than that damn it. But the anguish and exhaustion she heard in his voice was so tangible she could almost reach out and touch it. "I can't leave you alone. Dr. Freedman wants someone with you until we can determine what really happened."

His bark of laughter was cruel and tore at her defenses. Hawkeye had always been a tease, a prankster, and an all around pain in the ass but he'd never been cruel. Margaret hugged her arms across her chest and stared at the man she had felt she'd known so well. She may have even loved him but this man in the bed was someone totally different and it broke something inside of her to see him this way. This was not some amnesia brought on by self-defense but despair and bitterness.

Margaret sat back in her chair. She'd sit here and he could ignore her all he wanted. But she would not leave him in this state.

Hawkeye woke gasping and clutching at his ribs. His whole body ached and he couldn't seem to pull in enough breath. He was aware of whimpering sounds but couldn't tell where they were coming from. He started to cough which caused knives of agony to shoot through his chest and down his arms and made his head pound with it. He eventually became aware of hand on him, rolling him to the side and rubbing his back. There were tears on his face and the whimpering he'd been hearing was coming from him. Focusing on the feel of the hands he tried to push the dream away and hopefully some of the pain would follow. He became aware of a soothing voice and tried to pin down the words. Eventually he felt that he could open his eyes. BJ's face was about four inches from his own and he had to blink to focus on him that close.

BJ reached up to wipe tears from his own face. "My God, Hawk, What happened?" He continued the soothing circles on Hawkeye's back.

Hawkeye closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. "I remember what happened, BJ. I didn't see the car coming. It came out of nowhere while I was crossing the street." Hawkeye let out a sob at the feeling of terror he'd felt at that moment. "There was nothing I could do. It came so fast."

BJ was grinning from ear to ear as he continued to wipe the tears from his own eyes. For a moment he thought they'd missed something and Hawkeye was going to be shuffling off this mortal coil for good. "I believe you, Hawk, just try to calm down and breathe."

Hawkeye reached up and grabbed hold of the arm of BJ's shirt. "You have to get Sidney back in here. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I swear to you, BJ, it was an accident." He put his head back on his pillow still breathing hard. His dream may have receded but the pain was still engulfing him. "It hurts." He doubled over again trying to cradle his ribs but the cast on his leg wouldn't let him curl up fetal. He felt BJ's hands leave him and he panicked for a moment. Then the hands returned and shortly the pain started to fade away. He opened bleary eyes to study the other man. "What'd you give me?"

BJ smiled a little. "Morphine. You rest easy and I'll go call Sidney." For that matter he'd call Peg and Sherman and Margaret and tell them all the good news. Hawkeye hadn't tried to kill himself again!

Hawkeye was staring at the ceiling trying to shake off the morphine haze when the Sidney Freedman walked in. "I hear you've remembered what happened." He sat down in the chair next to the bed smiling softly.

"BJ told you? He told you what happened?"

Sidney sat back. "Yes though I'd like to ask you some questions."

Hawkeye nodded and rubbed at his face trying to dry wash the lingering effects of morphine from his mind. "Sure."

"I just want to be clear on this. Are you sure that it was an accident?"

Hawkeye looked at Sidney and pleaded with his eyes for him to believe. "Sidney, I promise. I just didn't see the car coming."

Sidney nodded and crossed his legs. "Okay. Why do you think you didn't see the car until it was too late?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "I don't know. I guess I wasn't paying attention. Look, Sidney, this was not some unconscious death wish."

"I never said that." Sidney smiled. "How about you leave the psychiatry to me." He grinned and studied his crossed knees before continuing. "You're a smart man, Hawkeye. You know to pay attention when crossing the road, especially in a larger city. Why do you think you didn't notice the car?"

Hawkeye grunted. "You're like a pit bull. Once you get hold of something you don't let it go!"

"I do my best. Answer the question please."

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to the road I was thinking about things. My mind was somewhere else. It was stupid but not intentional, Sidney."

Sidney smiled but the concern stayed in his eyes. "I believe you. I don't think it was intentional."

Hawkeye tried to sit up and reach a glass of water on the bedside table. "Then what's the problem?"

Sidney got up and handed the glass to Hawkeye before he could tumble out of the bed and do more damage. "I'm concerned that you were so caught up in your head that you didn't notice your own surroundings. Were you merely thinking or were you caught up in your memories?"

Hawkeye shrugged but wouldn't meet Sidney's eyes. "You have to trust me, Hawkeye. Which ever it was it isn't going to earn you a trip back to the hospital." Sidney paused until Hawkeye's eyes met his own. "However, it's important that I know which one it was so I can help you."

"A little of both I guess. I don't know, Sidney. I was just not paying attention and it was stupid and I got hurt."

Sidney nodded and stood up. "Any idea when they'll be releasing you from here?"

"Not really. I can't move around real well so as much as I hate to admit it, it'll probably be a while."

The laughter in Sidney's voice was good to hear. "Doctors make the worst patients."

Hawkeye grinned. "You oughta know, Sid."

"Well, I have to get back to the laughing academy, as you call it, but I'll be back to check in with you. Before I come back will you do me a favor and keep track of when it seems like time moves too fast? You know if you find yourself not remembering an hour here or there?"

Hawkeye shrugged. "I guess. It's not like there's much to do here anyway."

Sidney smiled and waved goodbye before leaving the room. Things seemed to be looking up for Hawkeye. Sidney expelled a breath in relief. It was about damn time.


	12. Run

Interior Landscape

Chapter 12: Run

He lay staring at shadows on the ceiling while contemplating the turn his life had taken. Grunting, Hawkeye readjusted himself on the couch trying to find a more comfortable position. The cast on his leg was cumbersome and made it hard to move. Worse, it itched. It had been a month since he'd been released from the hospital and he was staying at Margaret's apartment since Sidney wanted to keep him in New York for a while. Margaret was working the night shift at the hospital and he was trying to be a good boy and get some sleep. It wasn't easy, sleeping. He always had trouble falling asleep and once he did he inevitably had nightmares.

Margaret was being good sport about being woken up in the night by his dreams but he knew she was relieved to be working nightshift for a while. BJ had flown back to California a week after he'd gotten out of the hospital. The trip to Missouri was delayed indefinitely. Things were just too unsettled right now and Sidney wanted to keep an eye on things. Living with Margaret wasn't as bad as he'd feared it would be. He'd protested, he could afford to stay in a motel but she wouldn't hear of it. And of course Sidney backed her up all the way. Sometimes he chafed under their constant worry and supervision even though he knew it was because they cared. At least they would let him stay by himself some now.

Sidney was worried that he might retreat into some inner world or have a flashback and inadvertently end up getting hurt. Personally, he thought it was crap. So, he thought a lot and when he did he wasn't too aware of what was going on around him. So what if he would go into a room and forget what he was going in there for? So what if he did try to go into the wrong apartment one day? It wasn't like he'd been here long. It was easy for a newcomer to get turned around. Of course Sidney and Margaret had made a big deal out of it. Come to think of it so did the old lady he'd walked in on but then she really should lock her front door.

Hawkeye groaned as the memory of that incident played over in his mind. The old lady screaming, people running to see what the problem was, and him trying to apologize and get out of the apartment. Of course Margaret had been there. He could still see the worry that glazed her eyes and puckered her mouth. Giving up on sleep, he sat up and stared around the dark apartment. He had an appointment with Sidney in the morning and knew he should get some sleep but if sleep wouldn't come. . .Hawkeye glanced at the clock and could just make out that it was a little past eleven. With the time difference that meant it would only be a little past eight in California.

Hobbling over to the side chair he dialed up BJ and waited as the phone continued to ring on the other end. With a curse he hung the phone back up and stared down at the cast that kept him from going out. "Of course going out for a walk was what landed you in this mess to begin with."

The tiny apartment was driving him crazy. He was used to being out in open spaces. That was one thing he'd hated about Boston, too much city. Hawkeye continued to sit and stare down at the cast. He had a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hopefully the cast would come off. It'd been so long he was beginning to think it was a conspiracy. With the cast on it limited his mobility and made him easier to keep up with. Okay, so he didn't really think that but it was tempting.

He wondered again at the fate that had brought him and Margaret back together again. He'd thought to never see the blonde bombshell again. She'd always been so . . . regular army that he was still having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea that she'd left. Now if she'd just stop being a nurse with him and start being the friend that he knew she was capable of. Hell, the woman she was capable of.

He was brought out of his reverie by the sound of a key in the door. He frowned and looked again at the clock. It was nowhere near time for Margaret to be home. Hawkeye grabbed his crutches and hobbled toward the door. The man who came through stopped him short in the living room. Hawkeye stared as Sherman Potter closed the door behind him and dropped his bag. "What the hell?"

Sherman looked up and grinned. "Good you're awake. I was worried that I'd wake you."

Hawkeye shook his head and tried to recover from the surprise of his unexpected guest. "Sherman, I wasn't expecting you. When did you get a key to Margaret's place and more importantly, does Mrs. Potter know?"

Sherman rolled his eyes and picked up his bag from the floor. "Very funny, Pierce. I have some business to take care of here the next couple of days so Margaret very graciously offered to let me stay." He stopped and studied the other man. He'd started gaining some of his weight back and his face no longer looked like a grinning skull. However, even in the semidarkness it was easy to see the lingering black circles that made his face look bruised and sunken and his hair hadn't grown completely back in. "Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?"

Hawkeye rolled his eyes and tried not to chafe too much under the strain of so much 'care'. "I'm fine. I was just getting ready to lie back down."

"Good. Don't let me stop you."

Hawkeye watched as the older man made his way into the living room and put his bag on the floor by the hallway. He shuddered. As if the apartment wasn't crowded enough already with him and Margaret. No doubt the ex colonel would be sleeping on the foldaway cot that Margaret kept in the closet. He'd tried sleeping on the cot when he'd first arrived. The damn thing was uncomfortable. "She keeps the bed in the hall closet."

He didn't offer to help. He liked Sherman Potter but he really needed some time alone. Fuck propriety. All of the sudden he was so tired he just couldn't deal with it anymore. He thought he'd be getting some freedom tomorrow. That he'd finally be allowed to go out on his own. No doubt the colonel would be with him, would escort him tomorrow. Hawkeye sighed and turned back to the couch. The two men didn't speak for the rest of the night.

The morning dawned clear and crisp. At eight o'clock sharp Hawkeye caught a cab so he could get his cast removed. He tried to be cordial to his old CO. Tried not to let the weight of not having any personal space turn him into a grouch. It was so fucking hard.

The cast came off and though his leg was a little stiff and weak it felt good to let the skin breathe. Hawkeye threw his head back and let the feeling of just walking rush through him. He had to use a cane for now but the doctor had told him that with rehab he should get full use of his leg back. He frowned down at the offending piece of wood. It was just one more reminder of how far he'd fallen.

He tried to shut out the noises of the city. The constant hum of electrical machinery, cars, and pedestrians ate at him. It wasn't far from the doctor's office to the hospital where his appointments with Sidney took place.

He was surprised at Sherman Potter's quiet presence. The old man had somehow picked up on the fact that Hawkeye wasn't much in the mood for talking or perhaps he'd just gotten tired of having his head bit off. Still, he followed. Hawkeye tried to ignore the presence, the constant pressure of another human presence beating at his back. It made his skin tight, his shoulder blades itched. The desire to run away was so strong.

There was a shout from up ahead and Hawkeye turned from his contemplation of the sidewalk passing under his feet to see a small group of people gathered around something crumpled on the ground. Hawkeye felt his steps falter. The colonel rushed around him and with slow steps and a pounding in his heart, Hawkeye followed.

The woman on the ground must have been in her early sixties. Her floral dress was hiked enough to show legs that testified to a life spent on her feet. The puffy blue lines sprawled over her calves like some obscene road map. Despite the pain the varicose veins must have caused she still wore the latest fashion in heels like any proper lady.

Hawkeye let his gaze travel up her legs toward her abdomen. He was vaguely aware of Sherman starting closed heart massage on the woman but he couldn't take his eyes off of the woman's abdomen. There was blood everywhere and he could see a shiny pink bulge where her intestines bulged out through the gash in her abdominal wall. He stood, staring at that glistening pink tissue. He knew he needed to push that bulge back in, try to staunch the bleeding. Why the hell was the colonel ignoring the wound?

Sweat broke out on his brow and he felt his gorge rise in his throat. Would the killing never end? He forced his feet to move forward and knelt. It was the hardest thing he'd ever done. He pushed his hands down on top of the wound grimacing at the warmth as his flesh contacted internal organs. They slipped and tried to wriggle under his hands and he increased his pressure to keep the intestine from slipping out the side where his hand tried to push them into where her abdomen tried to expel its contents. The stench of open bowel assaulted his nose and he turned his head to retch.

Sherman Potter removed his hands from the ladies chest and took her pulse. Still nothing. The old woman had probably been gone before she'd hit the ground. Massive heart attack most likely. He'd been so focused on trying to save the lady that he'd failed to notice Hawkeye come and kneel beside him. At first he could do nothing except stare as the younger man pushed down on the woman's abdomen. He felt the sinking in the pit of his stomach and took Hawkeye's arm, tried to pry him off of the dead woman. The muscles twitched under his arm and the strain making the muscle quiver with exhaustion. He couldn't get him to budge.

The sirens were growing in the distance and Potter cursed as Hawkeye fought to keep his hands over some invisible wound. The younger man's skin was white and sweat beaded his brow giving him a sheen that made it look as if he had a high fever. He had to get Hawkeye to let go. The crowd was staring and soon the paramedics would be here. Somehow he had to make Pierce understand. "Pierce!"

He breathed a sigh of relief when Hawkeye looked over at him. He wasn't so far gone then. "Hawkeye, come on. We've done all we can."

Potter watched as Hawkeye thought about arguing, as he looked down at his hands with pupils so dilated he looked blind. He got the younger man to leave the body on the sidewalk and led him to sit on the curb. Hawkeye continued to hold his hands out as if they were covered in something. Sherman had a flash of a young surgeon sitting in his tent rubbing his hands lamenting the fact that the blood wouldn't come off.

The ex colonel closed his eyes and tried to banish the image, took breaths to allay the panic that ate at him and tried to turn him into a quivering mass of nerves. He knelt down next to the other man, placed a hand on his shoulder, and tried to catch Hawkeye's attention. "Pierce, she had a heart attack. It was massive there was nothing we could've done."

He watched as Hawkeye stared at him, uncomprehending, a slow blink of his eyes as he stared back down at his hands and then back to where the lady was now getting attention from the paramedics.

"A heart attack?"

"Yes, son. Just a heart attack."

Hawkeye stared again at his hands. "But her intestines. . ." Turned back to where the crowd was clearing away from the body. "Her intestines were spilling out."

Sherman noted with some alarm that the younger man was becoming shocky. He needed to get Hawkeye to Dr. Freedman's office pronto. He looked around and tried to determine how far they were, cursed Hawkeye for wanting to walk when they could've taken a taxi. "Come on, Son. We need to get going."

Hawkeye stared down at his hands and felt his heart jack hammer in his chest. There had been blood on his hands, he'd been so sure. He had even felt it, smelled it, and tasted the iron on the back of his tongue. He'd seen the bulge of her intestine. Chills raced down his spine and he shook with the force of it. He was aware that his breathing had sped up, could feel his lips tingle as he hyperventilated. My God, what was happening to him? He had to get out of there. He had to get away, felt the certainty build in his chest as the adrenaline continued to pump through his veins. He stood, the abruptness causing the man beside him to stumble back, started backing away.

"Pierce, where are you going?" He'd watched as realization came to the other man, as confusion turned to certainty and panic set in. He took a step forward, his hand held out to try and stop the man from bolting but his actions only made Hawkeye back away faster. "Hawkeye, listen to me. I'm not going to hurt you. Come with me, Son."

He watched as Hawkeye shook his head, turned, and bolted down the street. Sherman ran after him, kept up with him until the end of the block before he could feel himself gasping for breath and had to stop. Cursing he braced his hands on his knees and tried to take long, deep breaths. Even though one of Hawkeye's legs was weakened he still hadn't been able to keep up. When he was able to stand he looked around to try and get his bearings. The hospital and Sidney's office were just down the street another block. Hoping against hope Sherman started in that direction. Maybe Pierce would show up there. At the very least Sidney would need to be told of what had transpired.

BJ hung up the phone and stood, making his way to a window. He replayed the conversation with Sidney back over in his mind. With a sigh he put his forehead against the window and closed his eyes. It was one thing after another. Hawkeye had had such a hard time and now he was just gone.

Sidney had assured him that they were going to keep looking but BJ didn't hold out much hope. He'd asked Sidney what going off his medicine would do to him and the answer hadn't been good. If Hawkeye didn't show up soon there could be serious ramifications. He thumped his head on the glass and cursed the distance between him and the rest of the group. He was across the country and couldn't do a damn thing to help out his friends.

Peg entered the living room to find her husband standing with his head against the window. Whoever had called hadn't brought good news and she instinctively knew that it was about Hawkeye Pierce. Biting her lips she went to him and put her arms around him. "Who was it, BJ?"

BJ turned in her arms and placed his cheek on her soft blond hair. She always smelled so good, like honeysuckle in summer. "Sidney Freedman."

Peg closed her eyes and held on to her husband harder. She was so thankful that BJ had come through the war mostly intact. He had nightmares and was a little more moody than he had been but he was still the same BJ she'd fallen in love with and she thanked God everyday that she had him back. She felt sorry for her husband's friend. He seemed like a nice enough man but she sort of resented the way his troubles caused BJ so much grief. However, she knew that her husband was dearly devoted to this man. Knew that to deny him this friendship would kill something inside of him. "What's happened?"

She felt BJ push her back and looked up into his brown eyes, eyes that held so much more sadness now than before he'd gone off to that terrible war. She watched as he lowered his face to hers and caught her breath as his lips brushed hers slightly before pressing more fully and with such passion that she felt things lower in her body tighten. When he let up she took a deep breath and looked up at the tears that cascaded down her husband's face. She reached up to wipe the tears away with her thumb. "Oh, BJ? Sweetie, what's wrong?"

BJ led her to the couch and sat beside her. She watched as he fought for composure. "Hawkeye's gone."

Peg felt her heart hammer harder in her chest. "Gone? What do you mean gone?"

BJ let go of her and leaned back on the couch, tried to calm the roiling emotions inside. Some of the shock was wearing off and he was starting to feel angry. How could Hawkeye just take off like that? Didn't he understand what that would do to them? After all they'd done to help and now he took off to God knows where.

He turned and looked at his wife. She was so understanding. He knew she was having to cope with his problems and yet she did so gracefully and without complaint. He was so glad to have her, remembered what he'd told Hawkeye months ago. How it could've been him that Hawkeye was writing about. It probably would have without Peg by his side. "He's not sure but Sidney thinks Hawkeye had a flashback on his way to his appointment. Sherman Potter was with him. He freaked out and took off."

Peg took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Maybe he just needed to blow off some steam. From what you've told me he's practically been under constant watch. Poor man probably felt like he was being smothered."

BJ shook his head and wished he could believe that. Wished that things weren't going down the drain again for his good friend. "I hope you're right but I don't think so. I know Hawk. He's gone."

Peg stared at her husband and tried to think of something soothing to say. Something that would help ease his burden. Silence stretched between them while she battled the feelings inside herself. She wished she knew Hawkeye Pierce the way her husband did. She knew he had to be a good man if BJ was such a staunch friend. "Tell me about him."

BJ looked over at his wife and studied her face. She seemed genuinely interested. With a little shake of his head he started to tell his wife more about the amazing Hawkeye Pierce.

Colonel Potter used the key to let himself into the apartment before settling in on the couch and wincing when his stretch caused the muscles in his thighs to cramp up. His impromptu run earlier that day hadn't helped the aches in his old body. He and Sidney had notified Margaret in case Pierce was to head back there and then had spent the better part of a day driving around looking for some sign of Hawkeye. But it was a big city and the search had been futile at best.

Margaret had wanted to take off from work and help look but they'd finally convinced her that there was nothing she could do. He supposed he should call BJ, update him on the search but he just couldn't get up the energy. Hawkeye's belongings were still at Margaret's so maybe there was a chance he'd be back.

The apartment was dark and he closed his eyes trying to imagine where Pierce might have gone. He felt a lump in his throat. The young man had been through so much. Much more than anyone deserved to go through and things had been finally looking up for the young surgeon. He was aware that Pierce had been having some symptoms of combat fatigue. Knew what that could do to a person. But this had been the most severe flashback to ever intrude and Sidney had informed him that it didn't bode well.

Would Hawkeye sink back down into depression? Was he out there now thinking about how he'd take his life or perhaps he'd go manic. Sherman hadn't seen the manic episode that Hawkeye had experienced but he knew how the young man could get and if that was happening then there was no telling what sort of trouble he could get into. According to Sidney Freedman, without his medicine Hawkeye was likely to spiral once again.

Opening his eyes he sat up and shook his head. He was doing neither himself nor Pierce any good by imagining what horrors were happening to the young man. He had a conference he was supposed to go to tomorrow but he was sorely tempted to miss it. He wouldn't be able to concentrate on it anyway. Sherman stood and made his way over to the phone. He'd call BJ and update him on what was going on and then he'd sit here and wait in case Pierce was to return home.


	13. Found

Interior Landscape

Chapter 13: Found

Charles sighed as he closed the chart in front of him. He enjoyed his position here at the hospital but the pesky rule that all personnel rotate through the emergency room once a month stuck in his craw. He'd argued vehemently with the director of the hospital but the bureaucratic pipsqueak had the erroneous notion that working in the ER kept his people sharp. Charles snorted. As if he needed the mundane task of treating mommy's little snookum's head cold to keep him on his toes.

Of course not all was bad. His life in Boston was going just as he imagined it would, as it should. The Winchester name was still held in high regard within Boston Society and he enjoyed the prestige of both his family and his position. He was even engaged to be married to one Betty Stanford, another well known name in Boston. So what if she didn't make his heart swell with love and longing? She was a good girl, well bred and pretty enough, and her stature made her a fitting wife for a Winchester.

He tossed the chart on the pile with the rest of them and started on the next chart when the knock on the door broke through his reverie. "Yes?"

He glanced up to see one of the regular ER nurses pop her head in. "Dr. Winchester, we need you in exam room four stat."

The young nurse was gone before he could question her. Grumbling he stood and walked down the hall. The grumbling turned to a groan as he saw the police officer standing outside of the exam room. Sometimes he thought working in the ER was worse than Korea. Then of course he would be wakened during the night by one of his many nightmares and it would dispel the notion completely.

"Don't tell me. I can smell him from here. Drunk and disorderly?"

The cop snorted and shook his head. Damn Boston Aristocrats couldn't get their own heads out of their asses long enough to care for anybody but themselves. "Drunk but I think he's probably lost too much blood to be classified as disorderly."

Charles frowned at the tone of the officer. Sanctimonious little bastard. He grabbed the chart from where it hung on the wall next to the room and stepped inside while reading over what little information had been provided. John Doe with wrist lacerations, obvious suicide attempt. And yes he was drunk. Charles hadn't been being sarcastic when he said he could smell the guy. The whole room was permeated with the smell of alcohol. The guy must've been wearing half of it.

He looked up and felt the blood drain from his face. He recognized the face under the longish shock of graying hair. He was pale, sweaty, and obviously in shock but it was still the same man he'd served with in Korea. He had been in touch with BJ and was aware that it had been four months since the day he disappeared. Knew of his struggles to regain his footing in a life that no longer seemed to fit him.

"Push AB Negative and get an operating room ready. We need to get him sutured up as soon as possible." Charles lifted the pressure bandage of Pierce's right wrist and cursed at the damage the man had inflicted upon himself. The wounds were deep and there was very likely tendon damage. "Page Stevens. He's going to need some serious vascular surgery to repair this damage."

Sarah Rollins had seen the reaction of the surgeon, could only guess at the history that lay between the two men. The injured man didn't seem like someone that the doctor would socialize with yet it was obvious that he knew him. She hadn't seen Dr. Winchester ever care, really care, about a patient. He was a good doctor, one of the best, but he never seemed to care for his patients personally. Hell, he even knew this man's blood type. "You know him?"

It took Charles a second to catch the question he was too caught up in memories of the man on the gurney. Pierce had always been so full of life, so vibrant. It made him a nuisance to be sure but it was still something he'd grown fond of. He knew, in his mind, that Pierce had gone through a terrible time but to actually see the results in front of him. It shook him to the core. "Yes. His name's Benjamin Pierce, next of kin is BJ Hunnicut."

Charles looked up and saw the question on the young nurse's face, felt his own face soften. "We served together in Korea." He pulled back as someone came to take Pierce up to surgery. He followed. Stevens may be driving the surgery but he was sure as hell was going to be there.

Charles winced as his head jerked up from where he'd dozed off. He glanced at his watch and stifled a groan as he tried to work the kinks out of his back from sitting in the uncomfortable chair all night. He studied the man on the bed and felt a wash of relief when he saw that Pierce was still asleep. It would undoubtedly take him some time to recover. While the wounds to his wrists were the most obvious injury it was easy to see that Hawkeye had other medical issues that needed attention. First and foremost was the malnutrition. It was Charles's guess that Hawkeye had been living on a steady diet of booze and it showed.

His former tent mate looked emaciated and blood tests had shown that a severe vitamin K deficiency was present. This of course led to clotting problems which made it difficult to get the bleeding under control. Charles glanced up to make sure that Hawkeye was still getting blood. He'd called BJ of course. The other man had been understandably upset and would be arriving on a flight sometime today. He'd then made calls to Sidney Freedman, Margaret Houlihan, and Sherman Potter.

Leaning back in the chair he continued to study the unconscious man. He'd promised BJ he'd wait with Hawkeye until he could get there and despite the fatigue he felt he was glad to do it. Seeing the once raucous man in such an obvious state of disrepair made Charles think about his own life. A life that maybe he'd become too complacent about lately. He was lucky. Despite the nightmares that sometimes plagued him and the sadness and anger that inevitably descended on him when he heard Mozart, he'd survived Korea relatively unscathed.

He had the love and support of his family. Even his father had tears in his eyes when his son had finally come home from Korea. Charles had never seen his father as demonstrative as he'd been that day. It made him reassess the man and his own place in his life. Charles dry washed his face and tried to shut down the melancholy mood that seemed to descend on him.

His attention was brought back to the bed as Hawkeye moaned and shifted. Apparently the other man was going to come to. Charles slid his chair up beside the bed to wait. He'd tried to avoid looking at Hawkeye's face as much as possible. It'd only been a little over six months since they'd returned from Korea but it'd been a hard six months judging from the wear and tear that Hawkeye exhibited. If he didn't look then maybe he could ignore the reminder of Korea.

However, he couldn't avoid it any longer. Charles watched as lids fluttered open to reveal blue orbs still glassy from anesthesia and blood loss. Charles didn't say anything instead he let the man on the bed figure out his surroundings. Besides, what did you say to a friend that had gone over the deep end?

Awareness slowly came back to those eyes followed immediately by anger, fear, and something that Charles couldn't name. Something that turned his gut to ice and made him wish for the safe bosom of his family.

Hawkeye jerked on his arms only to be stopped by the restraints fastened above the numerous stitches on his arm. Fought in futility before giving up and turning his eyes to the ceiling.

"Pierce. . . Hawkeye, you're at Boston Mercy. Hunnicut will be here later today. Is there anything that I can get for you?" Held the straw to his lips so he could get water. Waited, didn't know what else to say.

Hawkeye finally turned his eyes toward where he was standing. Looked at him and for a moment Charles couldn't breathe. The Hawkeye he'd known was completely gone. The eyes were so empty. There was no hope, not even despair, just a blank acceptance that this was his life.

Anger boiled in Charles's chest, thrummed in his muscles. He slammed the water glass on the bedside table. "Pierce, don't you dare give up! You can beat this thing. Don't you dare let yourself become another casualty of that God forsaken war!" Felt tears prickle his eyes and heat wash up his face. Watched as the other man closed his eyes and a small smile played on his lips.

"What's so damn funny, Pierce? You enjoy the effect you have on other people? You enjoy scaring the shit out of them?"

"No." The voice was soft. Tired. Empty.

Charles scooted his chair closer and sat back down, took the other man's hand as if his touch would somehow tether the other man to a fragile sanity. "Then what?"

A shake of the head. "I just can't seem to get this right. I should've gotten it right this time."

"Why? Why can't you accept our help, Pierce? BJ told me how everyone has tried to be there for you."

Finally some other emotion crossed the other man's face. Some hint of despair that even though painful was still a welcome relief from the numb acceptance he'd been displaying. "It hurts. I don't want people to see me like this. I don't want to be this way. I'd give anything to not be this way."

Charles strengthened his hold on the other man's hand before pulling it loose and standing. "I'll be right back, Hawkeye. Then we'll talk some more."

He went to the nurses' station to get the lithium Sidney had instructed him to administer upon Hawkeye's return to consciousness. He didn't know how Hawkeye would react to having pills shoved down his throat but it was painfully obvious that the other surgeon needed them. When he returned it looked like Hawkeye had slipped back into sleep but then the other man turned his head and stared at the Bostonian.

"Take this, Hawkeye." Charles tried to place the medicine on the other man's tongue.

Hawkeye stared at him and the anger in his face made Charles glad the other man was restrained. "What is it?"

Charles thought about lying to the man. Thought about trying to pass them off as an antibiotic but knew that it would only cause problems later if he did so. "It's lithium. Dr. Freedman instructed me to administer it when you regained consciousness."

Watched as the other man closed his eyes and turned his head away. He'd seen the look of betrayal in Pierce's eyes before he'd hidden them behind bruised eyelids. "I don't want it."

Charles stepped around the bed, stared at him until the other man opened his eyes and looked at him. "Why not? If it'll help why not take it?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

When the silence continued Charles took his seat and set the little cup of pills down on the bedside table. He'd promised BJ he would wait until the other man arrived. He settled in and winced again at the twinge in his back. It was liable to be a long wait.

Hawkeye stared at the room around him and tried not to let his anger overwhelm him. No doubt his 24 hour guard wouldn't like what he did if he let the anger out. There would be more restraints and more shots and he would sink into the cotton oblivion of another drug induced haze. Hawkeye stood and was careful to not let the other man see the shaking in his hands. He rubbed at his wrists where the stitches had been removed the day before. The skin still felt raw and new.

At the window he could see New York in the distance. Could see the cars pass on the street and the people walking to and from wherever it was they hurried off to. Two weeks he'd been here. Two weeks of drugs and of being held down, being restrained. Two weeks of shaking and freezing as his body withdrew from the alcohol he'd been marinating himself in for the past four months.

In the end BJ hadn't come to Boston. It was just as well. The less people he had to see the better. The less his old friends knew about his new life the more comfortable he was. He didn't blame BJ for giving up on him. Didn't blame him for washing his hands of a friend who couldn't keep his head on his shoulders long enough to be a friend back. Hawkeye clenched his fist and felt himself shake with holding the anger in.

An ambulance had brought him straight from Boston to New York. Sidney, of course, had been waiting for him. Made him talk and take the pills that smothered his emotions in wool batting. Knew that Sidney probably wouldn't let him out this time. That they'd probably already thrown away the key. Three strikes and you're out. And the only reason he didn't care was because they wouldn't let him out of this miserable existence.

Margaret had visited once. He'd been so mean and nasty that maybe she wouldn't come back. Maybe he'd scared her off for good. It was better that way. Hawkeye was brought out of his meanderings by a knock on the door, turned to see Sidney enter with a small smile that was belied by the seriousness in his eyes.

"I'm glad you're awake. Why don't you have a seat, Hawkeye." Sidney made himself comfortable on the chair his guard had vacated.

"I don't think we have anymore to talk about, Dr. Freedman. I've told you all about those four months. I've talked about dad and I've talked about the war. I've talked till I'm blue in the face. I just want to be left alone." Hawkeye turned back to the window. Tried to ignore the other man. Wanted him to go away, wanted it all to go away.

Sidney was quiet as he studied the other man. Felt the despair eat at him at seeing his friend in so much pain and denial. He wanted nothing more than for Hawkeye to accept his life as it was now and try to make the best of it. "Are you still feeling like you might hurt yourself?"

Hawkeye was quiet. He didn't want to give Sidney the satisfaction. Didn't want to admit that the drugs were working but didn't want to be watched day and night either. "No."

"Good. How about your energy level? I know you've been sleeping have you felt like you're too full of energy? Like you can't expend it all?"

"No." Hawkeye continued to stare out as life continued on the street below. Maybe if he just answered the questions Sidney would go away and leave him the fuck alone.

Sidney sighed and allowed silence to fill the room. He had to find someway to break Hawkeye out of his bitterness. Out of the shell that he was trying to build around himself. He had a feeling that the only way would be to force Hawkeye to be in a situation where he couldn't get away from the things that were bothering him. He needed to be surrounded by people that loved and cared for him. But they had to get him stabilized first. "I'm a little concerned about the irritability and anger that you're experiencing."

Hawkeye finally turned from the window to stare at the psychiatrist. Was he fucking kidding? "How the hell would you feel? I've lost everything that I was! You're telling me that I have this illness, that I'm fucking crazy and you want me to be happy about it!" His feet carried him until he was looming over the smaller man. "I don't know, Sidney. I think that sounds pretty crazy to me. Are you sure that we're on the right sides here? Maybe I should be the doctor and you could be the patient for a while!"

Sidney stared up at the other man and kept himself still, afraid that any movement might tip the other man over the edge. Might make him violent. Martin, the orderly, stood ready to intercept if he had to. Eventually Hawkeye seemed to realize he was crowding him and backed off. Sidney sighed and used his hand to rub at his forehead. "Irritability and anger are also signs of mania, Hawkeye. I think maybe we should increase your dosage of lithium."

Hawkeye glared but didn't advance again. "You're the cuckoo expert I'm just the cuckoo."

Despite the seriousness of the situation Sidney felt himself smile. It'd been a long time since he'd heard that. As terrible as those times were there were some good times as well. "Okay, Hawkeye. We'll increase the dosage to four pills a day. That'll be 1200 mgs a day. We'll draw some blood to check your levels and then we'll move on from there."

Sidney stood and stared down at the bed where Hawkeye had sat down. "This will get better, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye turned his eyes from the ceiling to study the other man. "You've told me that before, Sidney, but it doesn't seem to happen."

Sidney smiled but again his eyes were serious, sad. "It will, Hawkeye."

"How do you know?"

"Because it really can't possibly get much worse." Sidney made his way back to his office and threw the file down on his desk. Inside he found BJ's number and rang the Californian's home phone. He twirled the pencil in his fingers as he waited for someone to pick up.

Undoubtedly what he was about to do would feel like a betrayal to Hawkeye but he didn't see as he had much choice.


	14. Guardianship

Interior Landscape

Chapter 14: Guardianship

BJ was holding Erin steady as he bounced her on his knee. He smiled down at her as she squealed in delight. His life was slowly returning to some semblance of normalcy. There were still patches of darkness in his life to be sure. He still had nightmares and he found himself losing his temper more often but he seemed to be fairing well. He was worried about Peg though. She'd been feeling under the weather and so was taking a nap while he babysat their daughter. He prayed it was a virus, something that would pass. He couldn't stand the thought that he might lose his beloved wife, his Peg.

And of course he still thought of Hawkeye often and wrote to him almost religiously but he never received anything back. He didn't know what to expect from his friend anymore. Hawkeye had gone so far down the long dark and it'd changed him. He wasn't sure how much of his friend was left and it broke his heart. He'd never had a closer friend.

The phone rang behind BJ and he reached for it before it could wake Peg. "Hello?" He struggled with the baby in his arms. "Hold on a minute." BJ turned and sat Erin down on the floor with some of her stuffed animals. "I'm sorry. This is BJ Hunnicut."

"BJ, Sidney Freedman. How are things in California?"

BJ smiled, genuinely glad to hear the other man's voice but he also felt a wave of trepidation. Had something happened to Hawkeye? "Sidney, things are good." BJ paused and chewed on his lip. "I have a feeling this isn't a social call though."

He could hear Sidney sigh over the line. "Not entirely, no. I need to ask you a serious question, BJ."

BJ pulled the chair out and sat down, tried to still the hammering in his chest. "Sure, what's up?"

"I've been thinking . . ." Sidney trailed off and rubbed at his temple. "You're already listed as Hawkeye's next of kin and I was wondering if you would be willing to take it a step further."

BJ sat back in the chair and closed his eyes. He knew where Sidney was heading with this, knew what Hawkeye would think of it. He also knew he couldn't refuse, wouldn't refuse. Not if Peg agreed. "I'll have to talk to Peg and get back to you on that, Sidney."

"No problem. Let me know and we'll go from there."

Another month had passed and Sidney watched as Hawkeye sat in the dayroom trying to get one of his fellow patients to play chess with him. It was good to see the other man calmer and in better spirits. He could tell that Hawkeye still held a good deal of resentment and anger but it no longer seemed to be so overwhelming. The labs had shown a good level of lithium and it was obviously benefiting Hawkeye a great deal. It was a good time to discuss Hawkeye's options with him. He wouldn't like them but then there was very little he could do about it. If he was going to be released he'd need the safety net and stability that had been put in place.

Sidney walked up to where Hawkeye was trying to explain the intricacies of the game to another patient. Sidney tried to keep the laugh bottled up that tried to come out. It was obvious that Hawkeye's grasp on the game wasn't that good either. "Feel up to talking, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye looked up and tried to push the annoyance back down from where it bubbled in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't as angry but he still didn't like being held prisoner here. Then again where would he go? He sighed and stood to follow the psychiatrist back to his room. He was so fucking tired of talking. Tired of letting these shit packers around here tell him when to sleep and when to get up. He was surprised they didn't try to tell him when to take a piss or when to dream.

In the room he went back to his window and stared at the street below. It was routine now. His only way to protest his entrapment here. He may have to talk to Sidney but he didn't have to look at him.

Sidney smiled, recognized the gesture for what it was; a little piece of control over a situation where all other control had been taken from him. Decided the best way to broach the subject was to just jump right in. "Feel like you're ready to get out of here?"

Hawkeye turned, tried to keep the room from spinning with him. His ears must be playing tricks on him. Out? Freedom and sunshine and all the things that had been denied him? "You're going to let me go?"

Sidney smiled at the hope so plain on Hawkeye's face. "If you can agree to a few things, yes."

Hawkeye walked over to the bed and sat down. He'd do almost anything to get back out of here. He'd come daily if Sidney wanted him to, he'd take the damn pills, and he would call hourly if he had to in order to get out. "Anything."

Sidney remained serious. Hawkeye needed to understand that there was no room for argument on this. It was also going to be a very tough thing to hear. "Hawkeye, you need to understand that what's been done has been done for your own good. It wasn't done to hurt you or to control you. It's just something that had to be done to insure your welfare." He paused trying to give Hawkeye the time to process what he'd said. Saw the other man stiffen, his defenses going up.

"What are you talking about, Sidney?"

"Yesterday a judge granted your guardianship to BJ and his wife Peg."

Hawkeye blinked at the other man, tried to process what he was being told. "Guardianship? I don't understand."

Sidney scooted forward in his chair and braced his elbows on his knees. "It essentially means that BJ and Peg are now legally responsible for you." Took a deep breath. "You will stay with them and they will make sure that you're okay. If they feel you need additional treatment or hospitalization they can make that decision." He watched as the full impact of what he'd said sunk in and Hawkeye's face drained of color, his breathing sped up.

"You mean I've been deemed mentally incompetent and all my rights have been taken from me." Hawkeye sat back on the bed, tried to keep the nausea from overwhelming him, the tears pricking his eyes from spilling down his face. "I don't have any say in this?"

Sidney studied the other man. It was a big blow but it couldn't be helped. Not if Hawkeye wanted to get out of the hospital and lead any kind of normal life. "I'm afraid not. Hawkeye, this was a hard decision for everyone involved but it is temporary. Eventually the court order may be rescinded."

The shock of the news was starting to wear off. Anger flooded through him and it was all he could do to keep from tearing the place apart. To not attack Sidney as he sat there staring at him. "And if I refuse?"

Sidney spread his hands and tried to calm his racing heart at the other man's tone. "Then you'll stay here."

It was too much. The knowledge that they thought he needed a keeper tore at him and he jumped up from the bed. How could they do this to him! How could they take away his dignity? Hawkeye grabbed the bedside table and flipped it over before advancing on the psychiatrist. "This is such bullshit! You had no right!" He drew back his hand to hit at Sidney but there were hands there and bodies pushing him into the bed. He continued to scream and fight as the needle pierced the skin of his hip. He continued to fight until the drugs took firmly hold and he sank down into oblivion.

When he came to he was immediately aware of the straps on his arms and legs. It hadn't been a dream then. Hawkeye kept his eyes closed and tried to fight the rising panic. They'd taken away his last bit of dignity, his last bit of manhood. His only choices were to admit defeat and get out of the hospital only to be supervised by his 'friend' or to remain in the hospital and rot.

Hawkeye felt his breathing speed up and tried to gain control. He would only prove their point if he couldn't manage himself better than that. Crazy Hawkeye couldn't even be trusted to take care of himself. What would his father say? What kind of life did they expect him to have like this? It beat at him faster and faster until he couldn't control it anymore. Until if he didn't let some of the pressure out he would explode.

Whydidn'ttheyjustpulltheplugwhywhywhy? Despite his best efforts to control himself a cry escaped and then another, and another. He threw his head back and cried and screamed for all he'd lost. His body fought the restraints until there was a sharp sting in his hip and everything faded to darkness once again.

The next time he awoke it was daylight and Sidney was sitting by the bed. He was still restrained and the cotton in his mouth testified to the fact that they'd given him more drugs during the night. He tried to ignore the psychiatrist but he was just sitting there, staring at him. Hawkeye could see the lines on the other man's face. Was shocked at how much older he looked. He closed his eyes and tried to take stock of his body. His wrists and legs hurt where he'd fought the restraints. He could feel a bruise on his hip where it rested against the bed.

He thought about what had been said yesterday and weighed it against the evidence on his body. Here he was strapped down, being drugged to the gills, and he protested the fact that they thought he needed a guardian? Perhaps he really was crazy. After all, what sort of person had to be strapped down and drugged? He tried to keep the tears from running down his cheeks but he felt the warm wetness build on his lower lash until it spilled over and cascaded down to lips salty and already cooling. "Hello, Sidney."

"Hello, Hawkeye." Sidney let the silence build, continued to watch his patient as he cried silently, felt his own eyes burn with tears and took a deep breath. "I hear you had a rough night."

Hawkeye nodded his head and tried to gulp down the tears. His arms and legs ached with the need to move and he had to take a piss. "Can you take these things off of me?"

"Will you be calm?" Sidney watched for any sign that Hawkeye might be ready to explode again.

"Yes. I need to go to the restroom." Hawkeye sighed as he felt the belts loosen and fall away. He moved his arms and legs wincing as the blood flow caused his hands and feet to tingle. He sat up and rubbed where the strapping had caused friction burns against the tender skin on his wrists.

"I'll wait here while James takes you to the bathroom. When you return we'll talk." He watched as the orderly followed Hawkeye out of the room and let some of the tension he'd been feeling flow out of his body. If he hadn't been mistaken he'd seen realization in Hawkeye's face when he woke. If he did then it was the turning point he'd been waiting for. Perhaps now he could begin healing.

The manic depressive illness and combat fatigue wouldn't go away but the way that a person dealt with such things could make a great impact on the quality of life a person was able to sustain. When he'd told BJ about Hawkeye's response to the news BJ had been upset but not surprised. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Hawkeye that it had been a hard decision for all of them.

BJ had been worried about stepping up as Hawkeye's guardian. He felt that it might destroy their friendship. That Hawkeye would feel he'd betrayed him. But there also wasn't a whole lot of choice. Someone that knew Hawkeye, a friend, was infinitely better than a stranger.

When Hawkeye returned, Sidney had a much better hold on his emotions. This case had been stressful for him as well. In all fairness he probably shouldn't have been Hawkeye's psychiatrist but he also didn't trust anyone else to treat him. Anyone else would've drugged him and let him rot in a hospital somewhere.

Hawkeye sat back down on the bed. He felt some better since having emptied his bladder and washed his face. "So when do I get out of here."

Sidney was almost taken aback at the abrupt change of heart and in truth was a little suspicious of it. "Does this mean that you're okay with BJ being your guardian?"

He was quiet for a long time before answering. "Honestly, no." He studied the weave on his robe. "But I figure that maybe I need it so I'll do it."

Sidney felt his eyebrows climb to his hairline. "What made you decide that?"

How did he put into words what had been going through his head? How could he swallow his pride and let Sidney know he was serious. "Last night. . ." He had to stop and take a breath, try to control the nervousness in his belly. Admitting it was so damn hard. "Last night I was completely out of control." Another stretch of silence as he fought tears. "I guess I have been for a while. I don't like the fact that I'm this way. I wish to God that it wasn't so but. . ."

"But what?" Sidney leaned forward. Hawkeye needed to admit it out loud. He needed to get it out in the open.

"I'm not well, Sidney. I see that now and if that means that I have to stay with BJ and Peg in California for a while then I'll do that. I need to move on with my life."

Sidney let a smile split his face. It was a step in the right direction and for the first time since he'd heard that Hawkeye had run he felt a ray of hope for the other man. "Admitting it is a good start, Hawkeye. It's hard but you've done it."

"So when do I get out of here?"

"Let's wait a while longer, let you get good and used to the idea and then BJ will come down and we'll catch a flight out to San Francisco to meet up with Peg and Erin." Sidney stood and with a smile left the room.

The waiting room looked the same as before, institutional and false colors meant to soothe distraught family members. Not much had changed in. . . what was it six, seven months? God, he'd lost count. BJ paced the waiting room, hands shoved in his pockets and tension arcing through his shoulders.

He hadn't come earlier at Sidney's suggestion and part of him had been glad to have an excuse to stay home. When he'd heard that Hawkeye had disappeared he'd felt. . . worry, most definitely worry but also anger. They'd all done so much to try and help him. And he'd repaid them by disappearing. Then when he got the call from Charles. God, he'd been so relieved. Knew that it was bad but also knew that Hawkeye wasn't laying dead somewhere out there.

BJ stopped pacing and sat in one of the molded plastic chairs that were guaranteed to make you uncomfortable. Sat and tried to calm his thoughts and emotions.

Then Sidney had called him, asking him if he'd be willing to take on Hawkeye's guardianship or if he knew of a suitable alternative. He knew that Hawkeye would be upset, knew that he'd see it as a betrayal. But BJ had agreed that it was the best option.

Peg had been so understanding about the whole affair. He knew she was worried, wondered if they were up to taking care of the troubled man. Perhaps wondered if it was worth it. After all, she hadn't known Hawkeye before. When his life still made sense and there was only Korea to worry about. California was a long way from New York and Sidney but there was the phone and Sidney was going to set up Hawkeye with a friend of his in the bay area.

BJ didn't know what to expect from Hawkeye. Sidney had assured him that Hawk had come to some acceptance about the whole affair. Maybe on some intellectual level he had but emotions were another thing and this was something that would hit anybody hard much less a man who was having the difficulties that Hawkeye was.

Beyond it all BJ kept seeing the people he had worked with for a short time in his psychiatry rotation while in med school, doubted his own ability to see Hawkeye through this. Was worried about what kind of impact this would have on his family. BJ couldn't help the smile that pulled at the skin of his face. His family was growing.

It was early and Peg hadn't really started showing yet but before long there would be another little Hunnicut. Another perfect expression of his and Peg's love and Erin was going to be a big sister. BJ let the smile fade from his face, worried about the strain of having Hawkeye there with Peg so fragile. Of course she would shoot him if she knew that he thought of her as fragile.

He'd been contemplating his size thirteen shoes and hadn't heard Sidney approach, startled as the other man laid a hand on his shoulder. Then standing he embraced the other man in a quick hug before looking around for Hawkeye.

Sidney, seeing the look on BJ's face smiled. The other man was anxious but also nervous. It was a good sign. It meant that he understood the seriousness of the situation. "The ward nurse is filling out his discharge papers; someone will bring him out in a minute."

BJ smiled and nodded his head, not sure what to say. He had to do better than this or it was going to be a long trip. "You look good, Sidney. How are David and Miriam?"

"They're great. David's growing like a weed and Miriam is always kvelling like a peacock." Sidney smiled as he thought of his beautiful family and studied the man before him. "How are you?"

BJ shrugged and knew that the smile on his face was tired. "Good. Worried about Hawkeye but good."

Sidney nodded and motioned for the other man to sit in one of the chairs. "He's doing better. There's no doubt he still has some things to work out and I'll be there for the first week. Hopefully that'll help smooth the transition."

BJ nodded and sighed as he forced his body to conform to the chair. "I know we've talked a little bit about what to expect. Is there anything else I need to know?"

Sidney shrugged his shoulders. "This isn't an exact science, BJ. There are bound to be things that pop up that we just can't plan for. Besides the usual triggers we never know what might set off a flashback. He still has the nightmares and he's still somewhat moody. However, his moods have remained stabilized on the increased dose of lithium."

BJ nodded and tried to find some way to broach the topic that was really on his mind. "How's he coping with this?"

Again Sidney smiled and put his head back against the wall, eyes lost in thought. "There's no doubt he's feeling some shame and anger." Stopped and rolled his head against the wall to look at the other man. "But he's not angry at you. He's angry with himself for being this way."

BJ nodded and waited for some of the tension to leave his shoulders. Still, it remained and probably would until he saw Hawkeye for himself. "It would be hard on anybody, I guess."

Whatever Sidney was going to say was cut off by the sound of the doors opening. Both men turned and watched as Hawkeye came through the doors. He looked. . . good. BJ wasn't sure what he'd expected but he finally felt some of the tension leave him.

BJ stood and smiled at his friend, tried to gauge whether the other man would accept a hug from him. "Hawkeye, you look good." Decided to take a chance and stepped forward and caught the other man in an embrace.

Hawkeye returned the embrace stiffly, automatically. He wanted to hate the man before him. Hate what he'd come to represent but found that he couldn't. Wanted to but something kept it back, this man was responsible for his freedom. "BJ." Didn't know what else to say.

Sidney stepped forward when the silence turned awkward. The feelings would have to be addressed but not here, not in public. "My bag is in the car. I'll stop on the way down and pick it up. There should be a cab waiting to take us to the airport down front."


	15. A New Start

Interior Landscape

Chapter 15: A New Start

Hawkeye stared out the window as San Francisco passed by outside. The plane trip had been . . . uncomfortable. He'd been trapped between BJ and Sidney and though they tried to draw him into conversation he'd done his best to avoid it. The awkwardness continued to thrum in his head and he couldn't seem to get the jello feeling from his legs.

They had passed over the golden gate and soon Mill Valley loomed before him. In the backseat Erin Hunnicut continued to babble in the pleasant sweet voice of youth. He glanced over as BJ continued to drive. The other man had relaxed considerably once they'd gotten off the plane, all smiles and cheers for his family.

Hawkeye laid his head back against the head rest and allowed his eyes to close. Peg had been kind and genuinely seemed please to see him. He hadn't seen any of the resentment on her face that he'd expected. He could hear her in the backseat as she talked with Sidney and laughed at Erin's antics.

The car slowed and Hawkeye opened his eyes as they turned into a driveway situated in front of a comfortable looking ranch style house. When BJ turned off the engine there was a moment of silence before Peg opened her door and started unfastening Erin from her baby seat.

Hawkeye jumped a little as the car door beside him opened and he looked up to see Sidney staring down at him.

"You okay, Hawkeye?" It was a lot to take in and Sidney knew the adjustment wouldn't be easy which was why he'd come along. He wanted to make sure that Hawkeye would be able to adjust. If not . . . well, he'd have to go back to the hospital and more than likely would end up staying there.

"Fine." He was aware he was nodding his head too fast and tried to stop it, took a deep breath and made himself get out of the car. Hawkeye walked around to the trunk and removed his bag containing the few items he still had left. The house was nice with a manicured lawn and white siding. There were lemon trees off to the side and the air had a crisp clean bite that helped ease some of the tension he'd been feeling.

He followed BJ and Peg in the house, was aware of Sidney at his back. He had to take deep breaths and try to calm his racing heart. It was a simple house, the house of a friend. Why did walking into it cause him to want to run? BJ was talking. He tried to concentrate on what was being said.

". . . and you and Sidney will share this room until Sidney leaves." BJ led them into a modest sized bedroom that held two twin size beds. The walls were a blue that reminded Hawkeye of the ocean at its most turbulent. A window looked out into the backyard and there was a bureau at the foot of the bed. The spreads on the beds were a basic white that added to the sea image in Hawkeye's mind. They reminded him of the foamy caps that graced windswept waves.

Hawkeye closed his eyes as the scene in his mind played out. He could see the beach just a little ways off from Crabapple Cove. Storms had been threatening on and off all day and he'd stood on the wet sand and watched as the wind whipped the ocean into a frenzy. Hawkeye swallowed and tried to calm himself. Everything was so confused.

As the sound of the ocean retreated from his mind he became aware of the heavy silence that had descended on the room, was aware that the two men were watching him, knew he'd see worry in their eyes. Hawkeye forced himself to open his eyes but couldn't quite meet the concerned gaze of the other two men. He tried to ignore them by going to the window and staring out at the sunny California day.

BJ wasn't sure what to do or say. What had just happened? Hawk had been a million miles away and he could tell by the tension in his friend's shoulders that he wasn't comfortable. Should he let it go? He looked to Sidney for some guidance but the psychiatrist's look clearly said that BJ needed to handle this.

BJ took a breath and tried to calm the butterflies in his stomach. This was Hawkeye for God's sake. "You feeling okay, Hawk?"

He was so fucking tired of that question. Hawkeye nodded his head but still couldn't make himself turn and face BJ. "Yeah . . . I'm just . . . tired from the trip."

BJ glanced back at Sidney and shrugged his shoulders, was silent until it became apparent that the psychiatrist wasn't going to say anything. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll let you guys rest up. Come on down when you're ready, we usually eat around seven." He turned to go but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder, turned to find Sidney smiling at him.

"Thanks, BJ. We'll all feel a little better when we've had some rest." He clapped the other man on the shoulder and closed the door after him. Sidney turned back and started unpacking his own bag, tried to give Hawkeye some time to adjust. He felt it was important that BJ and Hawkeye start interacting without his interference as soon as possible. He would have to explain that to BJ.

Sidney finished folding his clothes into the drawers of the bureau and lay down on the bed with a sigh. He turned and watched as Hawkeye remained standing staring out the window, mind a million miles away. Sidney sat up on the bed and faced the other man. "What's going on in that head of yours, Hawkeye?"

The other man turned to him, eyes hollow with fear. "I don't think I can do this, Sidney."

"Why not, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye stared at the other man, humiliation and anger making his face burn. "How can you sit there and ask me that? You expect me to be okay with having to have a keeper, with being nutso and having to face my friend knowing that he has to take care of me?"

Sidney looked up at Hawkeye. He did understand and it was hard but it had to be done. "Sit down a minute, Hawkeye." Waited until the other man sat down and looked him in the face, "I don't expect you to be okay with it. Nobody in their right mind would be. But, it is either this or we go back to the hospital. I don't expect you to be okay but there are certain limitations that you have to accept right now."

Hawkeye shook his head and closed his eyes, tried to keep the tears of frustration from breaking free of his control. "Sidney . . ." broke off as a sob tried to escape. "How can I accept this?"

Sidney sighed and tried to think of a way to lessen the other man's pain. But the reality was that there really was no other choice and it was important that Hawkeye get over his pride or he would be spending the rest of his life in a hospital. "You have to accept this because it's reality, Hawkeye. No one wants to see you spend the rest of your life in a hospital. No one. The truth is that most people with the problems that you're having and the illness that you have don't get this chance. You're lucky because you do."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and lay down on the bed. He was tired of fighting, tired of being told he had to accept things that he didn't want to accept, and tired of being told he was lucky. He didn't feel lucky. "I'm tired, Sidney. I need to get some sleep."

Sidney sighed and felt his own exhaustion tear at his defenses. "I'll let you get some sleep." He made his way to the door, stopping to look back. Hawkeye had curled up fetal, tucked himself tight, trying to block out the world around him. When he was outside he let his shoulders droop and head fall back against the wall. He hoped this would work.

BJ was sitting on the back deck trying to let the afternoon sun and the wind blowing through the lemon trees ease some of his tension. Peg had taken Erin up for a nap and even though she hadn't said anything he knew she was tired too. The baby was taking a lot out of her and she needed her rest. His mind turned inevitably to his friend in the guest bedroom. He supposed it was officially Hawkeye's room now.

He was experiencing something that he hadn't expected. He was nervous around Hawkeye, nervous and somewhat uncomfortable. It disgusted him, feeling this way. It was just Hawkeye for God's sake! Still . . . he was now legally responsible and God help him, he didn't feel up to the challenge. They'd tried this once before without the legal binding and look where that had gotten them.

Now he was going to be working and Peg would be left alone with Hawkeye to watch after. He let his mind drift and turned his face up to the sun.

As Sidney slipped through the sliding glass door onto the back deck he studied the other man. He took a seat and looked out over the back yard. "It's a lot to have to adjust to."

BJ looked over at the other man and sat up straight. "Are you sure it's okay to leave him alone up there?"

Sidney smiled and turned his full attention to the man on his right. "You don't have to watch after him every second." He paused and put his feet up on the table. "In fact I'd advise that you didn't. He's feeling trapped enough. Let him have some room to breathe."

BJ nodded and turned his contemplation back to the yard. He didn't know how to tell the psychiatrist what was on his mind. He opened his mouth and then closed it again.

"Having second thoughts?"

BJ turned and stared at the other man, guilt and worry clouding his face. "How did you know?"

Sidney smiled and put his arms behind his head. "BJ, I would be worried if you weren't. It shows that you know the seriousness of the situation." He paused and studied the other man. "If you think it's going to be too much on you and Peg we can always go back before the judge, find someone else."

BJ shook his head and sighed. "No, I want to do this. I'm just afraid that . . ." There was so much he was afraid of. "I'm afraid I'll fail him again. I'm afraid that I'll say or do the wrong thing and set him off again. Sidney, I'm afraid that Hawkeye will never be able to see me as his friend again."

Sidney chewed on the corner of his bottom lip and contemplated what to say. "You haven't failed Hawkeye and you won't. As far as being afraid of saying or doing something . . . we never know what may bring on a flashback but he's still Hawkeye. He's still the man you served with in Korea. Don't treat him any differently than you have to. You're still his friend and he needs to know that." He paused and took a breath. "It'll be strange for a while. Everyone's going to need time to adjust."

BJ nodded and let a small smile grace his lips but there was little humor in it. "Sidney, it pains me to admit this but, I'm almost afraid of him."

Sidney took his feet down and looked at the other man. "How so?"

BJ shrugged and stood up, paced the length of the porch. "That didn't come out the way I meant it to or maybe it did." He paused and tried to gather his thoughts. "What if we can't handle this, Sidney? What if he won't . . . cooperate? What if we see him becoming worse and he won't let us bring him to a hospital?"

Sidney nodded. These were valid concerns and ones that he had himself. "In that case you call Dr. Henderson. Call the police if you have to but you call someone. Call me. I may not be close by but if you have any questions I can always do my best to advise you."

BJ nodded and took a deep breath, calming himself. "You're right." He sat back down in the chair and smiled a little. "So make sure he takes his medicine, get him to appointments, and watch for signs of trouble. Is that it?"

Sidney smiled and stood up. "And be his friend. Talk to him, listen when he needs to talk. Just be yourself, BJ." He made his way toward the yard. "I think I'm going to take a walk around the block. I'll be back in half an hour."

In the bedroom Hawkeye stood and watched out the window as Sidney made his way around the house before turning around to study the room and his rucksack on the floor. Sighing he pulled it onto the bed and started unpacking his few belongings. He supposed he'd have to have some more clothes. What he had had been given to him at the hospital.

There was precious little left of his possessions. A few shirts and some pants. A couple pairs of socks and some underwear. All of his toiletries had been given to him at the hospital. He'd left everything behind. He had no idea what had happened with the house in Crabapple Cove. It, like everything else, was a part of his past. A past that haunted him, that drove him to both reach for it and deny it.

Once unpacked he stared around at the room once more, not quite sure what to do with himself. He finally had some time alone and he felt uncomfortable. A laugh escaped and its strangeness startled him. The laugh didn't sound like him. It was broken . . . wrong.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table and was surprised to find that it was only about three in the afternoon. Of course with the time change his body still thought it was six. It was time for his next dose of medication but he didn't have it with him. He wasn't trusted to have pills on his own.

Hawkeye made a fist and fought the urge to pound the wall. Waves of anger and humiliation coursed through him. He knew that if his father could see him he would be ashamed. Thoughts of his father continued to cascade through his mind and he approached the mirror, half expecting to see his father over his shoulder. There was nothing there and he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. He had thought that the war had aged him but it was nothing compared to what the last six months had done to him. His hair was still gray and there were lines on his face that he wasn't familiar with. He leaned in close and studied his eyes in the mirror. They were still the same blue but there was a spark missing. "So this is what an insane man looks like?"

Hawkeye jumped at the knock on his door and turned from the mirror to see Peg Hunnicut pop her head in. "Hawkeye, it's time to take your medicine."

Peg came into the room and held out the tablet in one hand and a glass of water in the other. She studied the other man. He'd aged since she'd seen him those few short months ago but she could still see what he must've been like before all of this started. She dearly hoped he could regain some semblance of that man again.

Hawkeye could feel her eyes raking over him and fought to contain his shame and anger. He wanted to shout at her, knock the pills from her hand. But he also realized that she'd done nothing to deserve his wrath. Nodding, he reached out with shaking hands and took the medicine.

The glass felt slimy under his hand and he tried to fight to keep from dropping it on the floor. When he'd washed the pill down he handed the glass back and stood in silence, unsure of what to say.

Peg took the glass and looked around the room. "Is everything okay in here? I could get you another blanket. The nights can get a little cool."

Hawkeye shook his head and tried to find his voice, willed it not to shake. "It's fine."

Peg nodded and looked back at him, smiled. "Good. If you need anything let me know, okay?"

She turned and started to go but Hawkeye stopped her.

"Why?"

She turned confusion evident in her features. "Why what?"

Hawkeye tried to keep the frustration, the desperation out of his voice. "Why are you doing this? You could have left me there in the hospital."

Peg stepped back into the room and studied the other man. Could he really not understand what he meant to her husband? "Because you are BJ's friend. Because from what he's told me you're a good person and you deserve the chance to get back on your feet."

Hawkeye wanted to protest her blind faith in his goodness. Couldn't she see that it was all beyond repair? That nothing was ever going to be the way it was. He opened his mouth to protest but closed it again. "Thank you, Mrs. Hunnicut."

"It's Peg, Hawkeye, and you're welcome." She started out the door but once again stopped. "You don't have to hide in here you know. BJ's out on the back porch. Why don't you go and sit with him?"

Hawkeye swallowed and tried not to let the panic overwhelm him. How could BJ stand to look at him? How could he let anyone see him this way? As long as he stayed in this room he'd be fine. "I'm a little tired from the trip, Mrs. . . Peg. Maybe later."

He watched as BJ's wife nodded and left closing the door behind her. Sighing he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes. He fell asleep with the tension still knotting his shoulders and back.

"You can't hide in here forever and you need to eat." Sidney stood staring down at the man on the bed.

Hawkeye glared up at the other man. "I'm not really hungry, Sidney."

Sidney sighed and sat down on the other bed. "Hawkeye, what are you afraid of. It's just BJ and his family out there. They know all about your situation and they're not going to judge you."

Hawkeye threw an arm over his eyes and grunted. In truth he needed to get out of this room. The four walls were starting to close in on him but he just didn't know if he was up to making polite conversation and he'd eaten Peg's cooking before. It wasn't as bad as the mess but it wasn't great either.

"If you don't at least try to make this work then I won't have any choice but to take you back to the hospital with me." Sidney watched as Hawkeye uncovered his eyes and sat up.

Hawkeye looked the other man in the face and tried to convey with his eyes what he was feeling. "I'm scared, Sidney."

Sidney leaned forward and studied the other man. At least now he was talking. "What are you scared of, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye threw his head back and fought the tears that tried to escape. Why was he so damn emotional all the time? "I'm afraid that when they look at me . . ." He had to stop and get control. "That when they look at me I'll see pity in their eyes."

Sidney took a deep breath and sat up straight. "Hawkeye, I don't think the Hunnicuts are going to pity you. They're worried and understandably so but I don't think pity is being offered." Sidney stood up and made his way to the door.

Hawkeye watched as Sidney left and let himself breathe deeply while trying to choke back the emotions running rampant. When the door opened he looked up expecting to see Sidney but instead BJ stood there. Hawkeye was caught with tears running down his face. He wiped angrily at them and stood, pacing to the window.

BJ entered the room and let the door close softly behind him. No matter how many times he'd seen Hawkeye in distress over the last few months it still tore at him. He felt his friend's pain keenly and wished there was something he could do to make it better. "Hey, Hawkeye, want to talk?"

Hawkeye shook his head and tried to fight the tears that were still pouring down his cheeks. When had things gotten so out of control and how did he get it back?

BJ came on into the room and sat down on the bed closest to Hawkeye, tried to joke. "Peg's food isn't that bad." Watched as it fell flat. "Hawkeye, please. I need you to talk to me. I want to help."

Hawkeye turned from the window and studied the man sitting on his bed. How could he make them understand that he didn't want to be seen this way? He felt the anger pour back into him and turned to glare at the other man. "How can you even stand to look at me?"

BJ felt he'd been slapped. He stepped forward only to stop when Hawkeye backed away. "What?"

All of the sudden it wasn't shame fueling his tears it was anger. It burned so hot he felt he'd combust. "Why did you do this, BJ? Was it out of some misguided sense of pity or do you just get your jollies off by watching other people suffer?"

BJ fought down the impulse to step forward and knock some sense into his friend, tried to fight down his own anger. "Is that what you think?"

Hawkeye stood staring at his friend, saw the hurt and anger on his face. He knew he'd stepped out of line, knew why BJ had done what he'd done. He'd have done the same thing if their roles had been reversed. Hawkeye dropped his head and tried to blow some of the overwhelming sensation away. "No."

BJ studied his friend and felt his own anger drain away, felt the sympathy for a friend well up in its place. BJ turned around and sat back down on the bed. He decided that the first question was the one he needed to address. "I don't know what you expect me to see when I look at you, Hawkeye, but I can tell you what I do see." He waited to see that he had the other man's attention. "I see a friend, a dear friend, who is going through a hard time. It doesn't make him any less of a person in my eyes or in Peg's for that matter."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and tried to believe what BJ was telling him, to see the situation clearly. He sat on the other bed and stared at his friend, really looked at him for the first time since seeing him this morning. His eyes were tinged with emotion but it wasn't the pity he'd expected to see. There was sadness but it also warred with hope. "I'm sorry, BJ."

"It's okay, Hawkeye. I know this isn't easy for you and I'm sorry things are the way they are but we're just trying to help." BJ stood up and looked down at his friend. "Let's go eat before it gets cold."

Sidney rolled out of bed and rubbed at his tired face before making his way over to Hawkeye's bed, cursed as he stubbed his toe. The other man was sobbing in his sleep and Sidney was afraid they'd turn to screams if he didn't get Hawkeye awake. He sat on the edge of the bed and glanced at the alarm clock. It was only two thirty in the morning. Less than twenty four hours and they were going through their second crisis. He placed his hands on the other man's back. "Hawkeye? Hawkeye come on wake up."

He watched as the other man continued to fight his dreams. The sobs were turning into moans punctuated with grunts and Hawkeye shivered in his sleep. Sidney grasped Hawkeye harder and tried to turn him onto his back.

Suddenly Hawkeye shot up in the bed and grabbed a hold of Sidney. "Dad, I'm sorry. I tried I really tried!"

In the abruptness of the other man's move Sidney would've tumbled off the bed had Hawkeye's grip on him not been so tight. He winced as the hands on his shoulders continued to tighten. "Hawkeye! It's Sidney Freedman. You need to wake up."

"Please, Dad, don't look at me that way. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do." Hawkeye continued to stare at Sidney with unseeing eyes.

Sidney winced as Hawkeye's voice turned into a broken howl. He put his own hands on Hawkeye's shoulders and shook him slightly. "Hawkeye, it's okay, you're dreaming."

Hawkeye continued to stare at him and his breathing was speeding up as whatever horror he was battling continued to assault him. Hawkeye was continuing to keen and soon he'd wake the rest of the household if Sidney didn't get him quieted down. Sidney heard the door behind him open and knew it was too late.

BJ entered the room and came over to where the other two men were sitting on the bed. "Nightmare?"

Sidney nodded his head but didn't take his eyes off of the trembling man before him. "Did he wake Peg and Erin as well?"

BJ shook his head. "I wouldn't have known anything was up if I hadn't been coming back from the kitchen." He put his arm around Hawkeye as Sidney extracted himself, tucked the other man into his chest and started to rock him. "Hawkeye, it's BJ. I'm here and nothing can hurt you. Do you understand?" When there was no response he looked up at Sidney helpless before turning back to the man in his arms.

Sidney sat down on his own bed rubbing where Hawkeye's fingers had dug into his flesh. "He rarely has nightmares this bad anymore. It must be the stress of yesterday."

BJ nodded and continued to rock Hawkeye until some of the tension left his body. BJ laid the other man down and stood up. "I'll see you in the morning, Sidney."

Sidney watched as BJ left the room before lying back down on his own bed. He missed Miriam's head on his chest and her arm across his abdomen, the sweet smell of her hair and the way she chanted to him in Hebrew when he couldn't sleep. Sidney turned onto his side and curled himself around his pillow, tried to lull himself back into sleep.

When Sidney awoke the next morning sun was streaming in through the window and birds were greeting the new day. He took a moment to orient himself and then glanced over at Hawkeye's bed. The sheets were thrown back and the bed was empty. Sidney grunted and sat up to run his hands through his hair.

Once he was dressed he made his way into the kitchen and studied the scene before him. BJ had Erin in her high chair trying to feed her while the little girl seemed content to decorate everything within reaching distance with her breakfast. Peg was at the stove cooking though she kept glancing back with a small smile on her face.

Sidney cleared his throat and smiled a little when BJ turned around. It was obvious that Erin hadn't missed decorating him as well.

"Sidney, come on in and have a cup of coffee." BJ turned back to his daughter and tried to wipe off some of the baby food caking to her face.

Sidney didn't move from the doorway. Instead he looked through the pass through into the living room and frowned. "Where's Hawkeye?"

BJ looked at the psychiatrist and felt the blood drain from his face. "I thought he was still asleep. Isn't he in the bedroom?"

Sidney rubbed his temple with the side of his hand and turned for the front door. He'd gone and done it again. He'd left and there was no telling when or if they'd ever hear from him again. Much worse, without his medicine he'd go back to having severe mood swings. "I'll search out front you take the back, BJ." It was probably pointless but then there wasn't much else they could do except call the police.

Sidney walked around the block looking for some sign of Hawkeye without success. When he returned back to the house he found BJ on the phone and Peg trying to keep Erin entertained while shooting worried expressions at her husband.

BJ hung up the phone and turned to face Sidney. "That was the Erlichs across the street. They haven't seen anybody fitting Hawkeye's description." He paused and pulled at his moustache before slamming his hands back against the counter. "I screwed up again, Sidney. I'm so sorry."

Erin had jumped at the loud noise and began to cry. Peg picked the little girl up and shot BJ a dirty look as she left the room with the child.

BJ sighed and hung his head. "Shit." He turned and looked at Sidney. "What do we do now?"

Sidney reached around BJ for the phone. "Now we call the police and tell them the situation." He watched as BJ started out of the room. "BJ, hold on a minute. I want to talk to you after I get done with this phone call."

BJ sat down in the chair and let his head fall into his hands. Hawkeye was gone and now Peg was upset at him. It wasn't even ten yet and the day had gotten off to a roaring start. He almost missed the sound of the front door opening and closing. It wasn't until Hawkeye came into the kitchen that he was aware that someone had come in. BJ jumped up out of the chair and grabbed the other man by the lapels of his shirt. "Where were you!"

Hawkeye stared at his friend in surprise. "I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk." He twisted and tried to get out of BJ's grasp. "Will you let go of me!"

"He just came through the door, officer. Thank you so much for your help." Sidney hung up the phone and inserted himself in between the two other men before blows could be thrown. "BJ, Hawkeye, calm down."

BJ stalked across the kitchen before turning back on Hawkeye. "Were you trying to give me a heart attack? What did you think we'd think when we discovered you were gone?"

Hawkeye pushed Sidney out of the way, ignoring the smaller man. What the hell? He'd just gone for a walk. He felt the anger and resentment bubble up inside of him. "What? I can't even go for a walk? I might have well stayed in the hospital! At least then I wouldn't have to put up with you."

BJ stared in shock as Hawkeye left the room. He heard the bedroom door slam shut and balled his hands into fists. He started to exit the room but was stopped as Sidney grabbed his shirt sleeve.

"BJ let him cool off a little before we talk about this." Sidney watched as emotions chased across the other doctor's face.

BJ pulled his sleeve out of the psychiatrist's grasp. "I'm not going to talk to him. I'm the one in need of a walk now."

Sidney watched as BJ stormed out of the house. Sighing, he grabbed a cup and poured himself some coffee. Grimacing at the cold liquid he sat down at the kitchen table. Things were not getting off as he'd hoped they would. He knew there were bound to be problems but this was a little rockier than he'd expected. However, he should've known that when dealing with Hawkeye he should expect the unexpected. Hopefully this wouldn't be enough for either the Hunnicuts or Hawkeye to change their minds about the arrangements.

Hawkeye was sitting outside on the back porch while Peg hung her laundry to dry. BJ hadn't come back yet and Sydney was inside talking to his wife on the phone. Hawkeye tried to let the sun melt the tension in his muscles but each and every time he started to relax he remembered BJ's words. He'd been ready to pack it up and leave but Sidney had stopped him.

He didn't want to go back to the hospital and he really didn't want to go back to living like he had after he'd run away from Sherman Potter. The problem was that he didn't know what he wanted. He still didn't want to be a surgeon, couldn't stand the thought of the blood and the guts and the dying. He was still adrift, still didn't belong anywhere.

He was brought out of his reverie as little Erin Hunnicut toddled up to him and handed him a weed she'd pulled from the yard. Hawkeye looked down at her as she giggled up at him. "For me? Thank you."

He watched as she went back to the yard and started playing with her teddy bear. Hawkeye fingered the dandelion and tried to put his thoughts in order. What was he going to do? How was he ever supposed to go on with his life when so many obstacles had been placed in his way?

"She likes you."

Hawkeye looked up from the weed to see Peg set the basket of clothes down on the porch and stand up to stare at him. "She doesn't know me."

Peg snorted and started folding the dry clothes she'd pulled from the line. "She doesn't have to. She knows you have a good soul."

This time it was Hawkeye who snorted, held up a hand in apology as Peg glared at him. "I'm sorry." He let the quiet build until it was smothering. "I'm not used to being around little children."

Peg studied the other man. "BJ always said you were wonderful with the orphans in Korea."

"Yeah but that was before . . ."

Peg glanced back up at him, eyes sharp. "Before the bus?" She paused in folding her clothes. "I'm sorry that had to happen to you."

Hawkeye threw back his head and closed his eyes, tried to chase the images out of his mind. "It's okay. I'm just still a little awkward around them."

Peg nodded and continued to fold her clothes. Debated whether or not to bring the earlier incident up. "You know, you're both being a couple of pig headed jerks."

Hawkeye stared at the woman in front of him, closed his mouth. "What?"

Peg scowled at her laundry. "About this morning. You're both acting like jerks."

Hawkeye stood up and walked to the other side of the porch. "I see. So it shouldn't hurt that I can't even be trusted to go off on my own for a little walk. It shouldn't hurt that I have nothing left." Paused and glanced at the little girl playing a few yards away before lowering his voice. "All I wanted to do was take a little walk."

Peg left the basket and stepped forward. "Of course it should hurt. And, I didn't say that you can't be trusted to go off for a walk but you need to let us know when you leave and tell us where you're going." She paused. "You know you have a habit of wandering off and so far I'd say the results were disastrous."

Hawkeye stared at the younger woman, thought about what she'd said. It was true. Every time he'd gone off on his own things had gotten out of hand. It didn't mean that it was okay but she did have a point. "You were asleep."

Peg threw up her hands and sat down in one of the patio chairs. "You could've left a note. Look, Hawkeye, I know this isn't easy for any of us and we'll have to learn as we go but you have to give us a chance. We don't want to take away your freedom. We just want to help you get back on your feet."

Hawkeye let his shoulders droop, saw that she was right and felt like a heel for blowing up at her. "You're right. I'm sorry and you're right. I should never have worried you and BJ that way."

Peg folded her hands in her lap. "Damn straight."

Hawkeye let out a guffaw of laughter and wondered at the feel of it. It'd been so long since he'd laughed. When he got his mirth under control he turned back to Peg. "So what is it that BJ is being a pig about?"

Peg grinned and stood back up to start back on her laundry. "He handled the situation badly. He was scared and that contributed to his actions but ever since he's come back from Korea he's had this temper and he needs to learn to control it."

Hawkeye was quiet for a while, contemplated what Peg had said. When he'd left he'd honestly not thought about the effect that it would have on his friends. It was just going for a walk. He turned his attention back to the little girl in the yard and watched as she played some intricate game with her stuffed toy. Finally he turned back to Peg and studied her as she folded clothes. "So when are you due?"

Peg paused in her folding and eyed her husband's friend. Despite his earlier actions he was smart man. She'd no doubt have to keep her eye on him. "What gave it away?"

Hawkeye turned back to studying the yard. "In all the pictures I've seen and the video you sent to Korea you were lacking that little bump. I thought at first that maybe you'd just gained a little weight but then I heard you in the bathroom earlier."

Peg grimaced. Morning sickness was one of the more unpleasant side effects that went along with pregnancy. She sighed, she really hadn't been ready to share the news with outsiders yet. But, then, with Hawkeye living with them it would've been hard to hide it for much longer. "In about six more months." She paused and looked at him. "I haven't told anybody but BJ yet so I'd appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself."

Hawkeye nodded and frowned out at the yard. "I'm sorry. You guys really don't need the extra stress of having me around right now."

Peg sighed and tried not to let her exasperation show. Did this man have a corner on the guilt market? But she knew her husband was the same way. They both tried to take all of the responsibility on their shoulders. It was something that she'd had to get used to early on in her relationship with her husband. "Listen, Hawkeye, if you say one word about me being delicate or fragile in anyway I'll wipe the ground with you. You understand?"

She was amused to see him look at her in shock. "I'm just as capable to do things as I ever was. My mother never bought into that delicate condition bullshit and neither do I. Having you here is no harder or easier than it would be any other time. You understand?"

Hawkeye nodded at her still in shock.

Peg grinned and finished folding her laundry. "Good. Now grab this basket while I collect Erin."


	16. Off the Meds

Interior Landscape

Chapter 16: Off the Meds

Hawkeye stared at the carpet under his feet, tried to ignore everyone else in the waiting room. It wasn't logical. He knew that everyone around him was there to see the shrink but it didn't help. He wanted to sink into the floor, didn't want anyone seeing him. He felt so ashamed, so bitter about having to be there.

He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the little voice in his head telling him to run away. BJ was in with the shrink right now. The doctor hadn't wanted to see him first he'd wanted to see BJ. And so he sat here while they were inside talking about him. He took a deep breath, nervous about seeing the new doctor, was afraid that he'd look deep inside of him and see the cracks, the glue that was barely holding him together.

He jumped as the hand came down on his shoulder, looked up into the worried eyes of his friend and around him to the doctor standing in the doorway.

"You were a million miles away, you okay?" BJ stared down into the eyes of his friend. He could see the fear, the uncertainty. He looked back at the shrink, not at all sure that he liked him, but the doctor remained quiet, watching. "Want me to go back with you?"

Hawkeye stood and shook his head, tried to quell the rising nausea in his stomach. He stepped around BJ and walked to where the doctor stood. The shrink motioned him on through and Hawkeye turned sideways, kept the doctor from his back. He stepped into the hallway and waited for the psychiatrist to lead the way, followed him into an office.

His unease ratcheted up another notch and he sat down as far from the other man as he could, which coincidently placed him near the door. He noted his proximity to the exit and felt some of the tension leave his shoulders.

Hawkeye watched as the other man studied him, studied him right back. He was older, balding with glasses and a paunch that spoke of easy living. The silence stretched on and Hawkeye continued to study the shrink, determined not to be the one to break it.

Finally, the other man sighed and sat back. "Mr. Pierce, I don't believe we've been formally introduced. I'm Dr. Henderson and I'll be taking over for Dr. Freedman."

Hawkeye remained quiet, determined not to give the man anything he didn't have to. He didn't know why but the man set his teeth on edge and something told him he had to be very careful.

Dr. Henderson frowned and tapped his teeth with his fingernail. "I'm going to be honest with you, Mr. Pierce. I think that what Dr. Freedman is doing is very dangerous. Lithium hasn't been in use long enough to make me comfortable allowing you to stay outside of a hospital."

Hawkeye tensed and started to get out of the chair, to leave. He may not like having to depend on BJ but he sure as hell wasn't going to let this sheep fucker stick him back in an institution.

Dr. Henderson held up a hand to forestall the other man's departure. "However, after having talked with Dr. Hunnicut I'm going to allow it for now. But you've got to talk to me. If I feel that I can't trust you then the deal is off and I will put you back in a hospital."

Hawkeye sat back down in the chair, didn't see that he had much choice. He would have to play Dr. Henderson's game, but he didn't have to like it. "It's Dr. Pierce."

*******************************************************

BJ sat straight up in bed, his heart pounding. Next to him Peg sat up and closed her eyes, swallowing deeply. In the crib Erin sat up and let out a howl. BJ jumped up and pulled the little girl into his arms, kissed her head, and handed her off to Peg. Then grabbing his robe he made his way to Hawkeye's room.

He stood in the doorway and observed as Hawkeye sat and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. BJ ran his hand down his face and cautiously made his way over to his friend's side, worry blossoming in his stomach. Hawkeye hadn't had a nightmare this bad since he'd come to stay with them.

BJ tried to enfold the stiff body against his own, tried to offer comfort even though Hawkeye resisted. He cursed Dr. Henderson, knew that this was a result of Hawkeye's visit to the new psychiatrist. "Shh, Hawk, it's okay. Nothing can hurt you."

He knew that the psychiatrist disapproved of Sidney's methods, knew that he thought Hawkeye needed to be in the hospital. No doubt the psychiatrist had antagonized Hawkeye. After the appointment Hawkeye had been moody, angry, and recalcitrant. He'd gone to his room after they got home and refused to come down for dinner.

He continued to rock Hawkeye, continued his litany of soothing words, and eventually the other man relaxed. BJ laid his cheek on top of the other man's head as his screams turned to sobs. Continued to hold him and pray that this darkness would pass. "You want to talk about it?"

Hawkeye tried to sit up but BJ held him fast. He wanted nothing more than to lay back down, to disappear. He felt shame at being held and rocked as if he was a child and still he wanted the comfort. "No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Please don't send me back."

BJ frowned and finally let go of the other man. Stood up and came around so that he could see his friend. "Hawkeye, we're not going to send you anywhere." He tried to see his friend's eyes in the darkness. "You belong here."

Hawkeye stared at his friend, tried to believe what he was being told. He hadn't wanted to wake up the Hunnicuts, was afraid they'd get tired of him, decide that they couldn't deal with him. That Dr. Henderson was right and he belonged in a hospital. He was afraid that it was only a matter of time before BJ came to feel the same way. "I'm okay, Beej. Please, go back to bed. I'm fine."

BJ sat for a moment longer. He didn't believe him not at all. "You sure? You want me to stay? I don't mind."

Hawkeye shook his head, felt the tears start to fall faster. "Please, BJ, go back to bed. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

BJ sighed and stood up. Hawkeye wasn't fine but he wouldn't let him any closer and by staying he sensed that he risked working Hawkeye up further. "Okay but if you need anything, anything, Hawkeye, come and get me, please." He closed the door behind him and sighed. He hoped they wouldn't have to go through this every time Hawkeye had to go see the doctor.

Inside Hawkeye lay back down on the bed and buried his head in his pillow, tried to muffle his sobs. Everything was so far away. It was so far away and he just couldn't reach it.

Eventually his sobs eased and he fell back down into an exhausted sleep.

*******************************************************

BJ was awoken by an insistent hand on his shoulder. He grumbled and then turned over to see his beautiful wife staring down at him. He sat up and grabbed hold of her. "The baby? Is it time?"

Peg chuckled a little and settled herself back in her pillow. BJ was so cute when he was anxious. "No, darling, just a trip to the bathroom." She paused. "I heard a door close. I think Hawkeye may be up again."

BJ let himself fall back on the bed and closed his eyes. Great. Their midnight rambler was at it again. Sighing he got out of bed and pulled on his robe. "Okay." He stopped and turned back towards his wife. "Need anything while I'm up? You know, pickles and ice cream or anything else remotely disgusting?" He ducked as his pillow was flung at him and chuckled as he left the bedroom.

BJ knocked on Hawkeye's door. When there wasn't an answer he pushed the door open and peered into the dark room. Hawkeye wasn't in his bed and BJ closed the door back and started into the living room. At first he didn't see anything but then he noticed the sliding glass door had been left partially open. Rubbing his eyes he looked at the clock over the mantle and groaned when he saw it was twelve am.

He paused by the door and watched as Hawkeye paced the porch a couple of times before bounding down into the yard. He felt the frown pull on his face as he watched Hawkeye's frenetic movements. He was moving just for the sake of moving and BJ felt the breath hitch in his lungs. This had been getting progressively worse the past week and it didn't look like it was going to get any better. Sidney had refreshed his memory on what the symptoms of a manic episode looked like and he knew that what he was seeing was the beginning of one.

BJ opened the door and stepped through to the porch and stood to watch the other man. He seemed to be pacing off the yard, counting his steps. He walked down into the yard to intercept his friend. "Hey, Hawk, it's late. Why don't you try to get some rest?"

Hawkeye glanced up at him and smiled. "Not tired. I was just thinking, you know, that you have a really nice back yard. We should extend the patio and maybe put in a fire pit. We could even dig out a little area and concrete it so the kids could have a little pool. You know, Klinger, taught me how to concrete. It'd be easy. I could do the work and I wouldn't even charge you for labor."

BJ rubbed a hand over his face as Hawkeye continued to pace back and forth before him. Hawkeye's words were coming so fast they were running together. His mind was probably running along even faster. He was too tired to deal with this and he had be at work early in the morning. "Is that what you're going to do now? Construction?"

Hawkeye grinned at him. "Hey, why not? Out here in California I bet I could make a killing. You know, Beej, maybe we should do it together. We'd make a killing. You'd also be able to stay at home with your family more. You know Peg's going to be really busy when the new baby comes."

BJ tried to swallow the yawn that was threatening to crack his jaws. He wanted nothing more than to go back to bed but was afraid to leave Hawkeye in this condition. Was afraid of what hair brained scheme he'd come up with.

BJ frowned. It'd been close to six months since Sidney had left and things had been running more or less smoothly. They'd had their fair share of bumps along the road but nothing that hadn't been worked out. Now it looked like the other shoe had dropped. BJ tried to shake the cobwebs from his head and focus on what his friend was saying.

". . . and we could use flagstone for the porch or maybe sandstone. It would look really good with the way that the sun sets. I've noticed that there are some really beautiful sunsets here, Beej. The rock would really set off the sunset." Hawkeye continued to pace back and forth. He was feeling better than he had since he'd come back from Korea. Almost like his old self. He was having so many brilliant ideas, knew that he'd be able to accomplish anything he wanted.

BJ put out his hand and tried to halt Hawkeye's insistent pacing, bit the inside of his lip. He finally managed to grab a hold of Hawkeye's sleeve. "Hawk, have you been taking your medicine?"

Hawkeye glared at BJ and jerked his arm out of the other man's grasp. The question irritated him. They were trying to control him with the medicine and this was why he knew that BJ must not discover that he'd been cheeking his meds and then flushing them down the toilet. "What? Of course! You know just because I'm feeling good doesn't mean that I'm crazy!"

BJ winced at the venom in his friend's words, knew that it was the mania making him volatile. "Fine. Look, I need to get some sleep and I'd feel better if you came back inside." He tried to think of some way to get Hawkeye to come in and settle down some. "Why don't you draw out your plans for the backyard and I can have a look at them in the morning?"

Hawkeye stopped pacing and shoved his hands in his pockets before removing them again. "Yeah okay that sounds good. You get some sleep and I'll draw up some plans."

BJ followed Hawkeye back into the house and watched as the other man grabbed some paper and a pencil and settled down on the couch. He sighed, he'd have to call either Sidney or Dr. Henderson in the morning. If Hawkeye kept going at this pace he'd run himself into the ground. "Okay, Hawk, see you in the morning."

*************************************************************

Peg was sitting at the kitchen table watching Hawkeye wash the dishes when the front door opened and her husband came in. She stood and gave his arm a squeeze. "You're home awfully early." She raised her eyebrows and looked toward where Hawkeye was still washing the dishes. The other man threw a glance over at them and flashed a big smile. Peg turned back to her husband and let the concern she was feeling show on her face.

BJ nodded and took her in his arms. "Hey, Hawk, mind if I borrow my wife for a minute?"

Hawkeye turned, dropping suds on the floor as he continued to shift from foot to foot. "Sure, you love birds go ahead. As soon as I'm done here I'll start lunch and then we can discuss some problems I've noticed." He stepped away from the sink and sidled up to BJ, keeping his voice low. "I don't want to concern you but we're being watched."

BJ swallowed, nodded, and drew his wife into their bedroom but left the door opened a crack so he could still hear Hawkeye. He winced as the other man started singing off key. "He hasn't slowed down any, huh?"

Peg snorted and sat down on the bed. Her ankles were killing her. She put her hand on her enlarged stomach as if by rubbing it she could ease some of the discomfort. "No. He's been going full tilt since you left." She paused. "On the other hand, I don't think the house has ever been cleaner."

BJ sighed and placed a hand on her tummy. "I'm sorry, sweetie. This must be hard on you."

Peg smacked his arm but pulled him in for a quick kiss. "On the contrary, if he keeps doing my work for me I may end up very spoiled." She stood and glanced out the door when she heard a crash from the kitchen.

Hawkeye's voice floated in from the kitchen. "Sorry, it got away from me. Won't happen again."

She turned back to her husband. "What did Dr. Henderson say?"

BJ grunted. "Dr. Henderson is out of town." He couldn't help the bitterness that crept into his voice. He didn't know how Sidney could call the man his friend. The guy was an arrogant asshole. Every time Hawkeye had an appointment with the man they always knew to gear up for nightmares and moodiness. As a result they consulted with Sidney whenever they could. "However, Sidney says he shouldn't be going at this pace if he's taking his medicine."

"So what do we do? I got the impression that to give him extra could be really dangerous." Peg bit at her nail and studied the cover on the bed. "He's getting more paranoid. This morning he wouldn't let me go out to hang laundry because he said 'they' would see me."

BJ nodded and stood from the bed bringing his wife with him. "Since he won't admit to not taking it I've got to get some blood work on him, check his levels. And, we have to watch when we give him his medicine. Make sure he takes it. I've taken the rest of the day off. I'm going to run Hawkeye back to the hospital and get his blood taken. It'll take a while but it's all we can do until we know how much he's got in his blood stream." He kissed his wife on the nose. "What do you say you and Erin come with and we'll pick out some more stuff for the baby's room?"

Peg smiled and looked down at her swollen tummy. Her due date was only about a week away and they needed to get the stuff ready before they had a baby and nowhere to put it! "Okay but you get to wake Erin from her nap." She grinned mischievously at her husband. "She's just like her father. If she gets woken up early she's a real bear."

BJ rolled his eyes and watched as Peg started to waddle out of the room. He wiped the smirk off of his face when she turned back around.

"What I don't understand is why he would stop taking the medicine. He seemed to be doing so much better."

BJ shook his head. "Sidney says it's not uncommon for people to stop their medications. That's one reason people with this disorder need to be monitored. For whatever reason they decide they'll do better off of it."

*************************************************************

The department store was crowded and BJ sighed as he was buffeted once again by another shopper. He watched as Hawkeye perused the barbecue equipment. The other man hadn't wanted to have his blood checked and BJ had a sneaking suspicion he knew why. Being forced to submit to the workup when he didn't want it had made Hawkeye's mood turn decidedly darker. He still had the energy and was going a mile a minute but he'd turned snappish and belligerent. He'd left Peg and Erin in the baby department and followed Hawkeye over to the lawn and garden to, hopefully, appease him.

"All they have here is junk! I could build a better barbecue." Hawkeye turned to BJ. "Let's forget this and look to see what kind of patio equipment they have."

"BJ?"

BJ turned to find his wife waddling toward him as fast as she could. She was ashen faced and there were tears in her eyes. "Peg! What is it? Is it the baby?" He looked around but didn't see his little girl. "Where's Erin?"

Peg clutched to her husband. "She was right there. I swear she was right there and she's just gone! Oh my God, my baby's gone!"

BJ felt his heart trip hammer in his chest. "Okay, Peg, it's okay. She probably just wondered off." He tried to swallow down his own panic and looked around to see if he could spot his little girl. "I tell you what. I want you to find the security department and tell them what's happened. Hawkeye and I will go looking for her."

He watched her start off in the direction of security and turned to tell Hawkeye to follow him. BJ spun around and scanned the store. He was gone! BJ smothered the impulse to yell and started scanning the store for his little girl. Hawkeye would just have to wait.

Hawkeye was looking high and low for Erin. As soon as he'd heard Peg say that Erin was missing he'd taken off in search for the little girl. "Erin? Erin, sweetie, it's Uncle Hawkeye!" The little girl had recently discovered the game of hide and seek and she was constantly hiding somewhere waiting for someone to find her.

Hawkeye continued through the store calling the little girl's name. He cursed the crowds of people, was aware that he was drawing stares but this was one time he didn't care. He'd grown quite fond of the little girl in the time he'd been here and the thought of her lost and scared tore at him. It tore at him and something else. He kept seeing that infant on the bus. He was aware that he was poised to slip into a flashback but didn't care. His heart was thundering in his chest and he could feel himself becoming more agitated, knew he'd broken out in a sweat and knew that trouble was on the horizon. He just couldn't take the time to worry about himself.

He was about to turn and head back the way he'd come when he heard a child cry up ahead. He picked up his pace and rounded the corner just in time to see an older man carry little Erin through the doors and outside.

BJ was starting to get frantic. He hadn't been able to find Erin anywhere. He'd run into security so he knew that Peg had made it to inform them. BJ was bending to look under another clothing rack when he heard Hawkeye shout. He turned in time to see Hawkeye run out of the door of the store. Cursing, his heart in his throat BJ took off after his friend.

Hawkeye caught up with the man just as he was about to put the little girl in a car. He waited until the man had the little girl shoved in the backseat and then snarling, he jerked the man around grabbed him by the throat of his shirt and shook him. "You son of a bitch!" He drew back his fist and punched the pervert in the nose.

The other man tried to cup his nose but Hawkeye smacked his arms away and threw him up against the side of the car. He stepped back and kneed him in the stomach. "You like hurting little girls? You fucking asshole!"

BJ caught up with Hawkeye just as he threw another punch. He caught site of Erin in the backseat of the car crying and jerked the door open. "Erin, Sweetie, it's okay. Daddy's here. Shh, sweet angel."

BJ tucked Erin's head under his chin and continued to murmur soothing platitudes to her as he watched Hawkeye take a hold of the other man's throat. He almost didn't stop him, wanted to see the man who was about to kidnap his little girl to suffer. It was Hawkeye's next words that broke him from his daze.

"You son of a bitch! You think it's fun to smother little kids? Let's see how you like it!"

BJ stepped forward and tried to pull Hawkeye off of the other man but Hawkeye was strong, fueled by his manic rage, and BJ only had one arm free. "Hawkeye, stop! You're killing him!"

BJ swallowed down his fear when Hawkeye turned his head to face him. The gleam, the fury that resided in his friend's eyes shook him to the core. He'd seen Hawkeye get mad before. He'd seen him do things fueled by anger before but he'd never seen the naked hate that rested in his eyes now. There was no one home that he could reason with.

He set Erin down on the pavement. "Sweetie, stay right here and don't move okay."

BJ could feel the little girl grasp his leg. She was scared to death. The would be kidnapper was starting to turn purple and BJ knew he had to get Hawkeye off of him now. He grabbed Hawkeye and wrenched him away from the would be kidnapper.

The other man collapsed to the ground and took in gasping breaths. BJ continued to restrain Hawkeye as Erin clutched at his leg, her tears making wet spots on his pants. "Hawkeye, please, don't do this. Erin is okay. See?"

Hawkeye blinked at the man in front of him and then down at the little girl hiding behind her father's leg. "Erin?"

BJ let out a breath as he saw some of the fury drain from his friend's eyes. "Yeah see? She's okay." He let go of Hawkeye tentatively and picked up his sobbing daughter and kissed her head. "It's okay, sweetie."

They'd drawn a crowd by this time and BJ winced as a police car arrived with its lights and siren going. How was he going to keep Hawkeye from getting in trouble for assault? The other man deserved it, no doubt. But he bet the police wouldn't see it that way.

Officer Calvin Mullins eyed the group of men as he approached. The report of a fight had come on over the radio and from the looks of it the men weren't sure if it was over or not. They looked tense and the little girl was in tears. He put his hand on the butt of his gun as he stepped up between the men. He eyed the man on the ground and then looked at the two others. "What's going on here?"

BJ stepped forward and nodded his head at the officer. Somehow he had to spin this so Hawkeye didn't get in trouble. "My family and friend here were shopping when Erin," He patted his little girl's back. "went missing. While we were looking for her we observed this man leaving the store with her. When we caught up with him he was putting her in his car here." There was no need to tell him that Hawkeye had gotten there first.

BJ watched as the officer bent down and hauled the other man to his feet. "And you are?"

"Dr. BJ Hunnicut." Mentioning his title couldn't hurt and there was no need to mention Hawkeye. The less the officer noticed his friend the better.

The other man came to his feet and pointed at Hawkeye. "This man is crazy! He tried to kill me!"

Officer Mullins took in the man's broken nose and the bruises starting to form on his neck before turning back to the other two men. "Which one of you did this to this man?"

BJ watched as Hawkeye stood, eyes still glazed over. He was still moving from foot to foot and tapping his leg. It was obvious he still had too much energy but his gaze was a million miles away. There was no one home. BJ desperately wished and feared that Hawkeye would speak up in his own defense.

"Officer, this man tried to kidnap my daughter! We were a little upset!"

Officer Mullins turned his attention to the tall, dark haired man. His eyes were glassy and he didn't seem to be comprehending what was going on. The guy looked shell shocked. It reminded him of the way his uncle had been when he'd come home from the Second World War. The situation was starting to become clearer to him and he was beginning to wonder if this man was dangerous. "What about your friend here? He doesn't look so well. Did he get hurt? Sir, what's your name."

BJ breathed a sigh of relief as Hawkeye blinked and seemed to come back to himself.

Hawkeye stared at the officer. "Benjamin Pierce."

Officer Mullins handed the wounded man off to his partner and studied the other man. "Well, Mr. Pierce, can you tell me what happened here?"

Hawkeye sagged back against the vehicle behind him. "That man was trying to kidnap my friend's daughter. Things got a little out of hand."

Officer Mullins continued to stare at the dark haired man a moment before turning back to the other man. "There's something you're not telling me."

Just then Peg ran out of the store and hugged Erin to her. "Oh my God, my baby! BJ, what happened? Where did you find her? Someone in the store said there'd been an attempted kidnapping!"

BJ hugged his wife to him and stared at the police officer. Then he turned and studied Hawkeye. "Hawkeye can you take Erin and wait with Peg by the car while I talk to the officer?"

Hawkeye nodded and took the baby out of BJ's arms. He cradled the child to him and swallowed the lump in his throat. It was just Erin but he felt sweat start to break out on face. "Sure."

Officer Mullins sighed as he watched the other man walk to a car a few rows over. "Is your family going to be okay with him?"

BJ glanced back to where Hawkeye was helping Peg into the car, cursed inwardly. He'd hoped the officer wouldn't pick up on Hawkeye's odd behavior. "Oh yeah. Ben's an old friend of the family."

Officer Mullins nodded but didn't buy the act. He sighed. He supposed they could make a case for self-defense but he wanted to get some things straightened out first. "Hold on." He walked over to where his partner was running a check on the injured man. When it came back he grunted and made his way back to where the other man waited.

"Okay, Dr. Hunnicut, it looks like Anthony Rawlins," He nodded in the direction of the kidnapper. "over there has a few priors so I'm willing to let this go for now but I need your address and phone number and you'll need to come down to the station to make a statement."

BJ sighed in relief and dug out his wallet. "Thank you so much, officer."

"I need to know a few things though." He waited until he had the doctor's attention. "I'm not an expert but I know when something's not right with someone and your friend is not right."

BJ stared down at his shoes and chewed on his lip, didn't want to discuss Hawkeye with this stranger. "He's going through a hard time right now but he's okay." BJ mentally swatted at the little voice in his head calling him a liar.

Officer Mullins nodded and gently led the other man further away from the crowd. "I'm guessing he was in Korea?"

"We both were. Look officer, I don't see how this pertains to what happened today."

Officer Mullins put his note pad into his back pocket. "My gut is telling me that it was your friend there who beat up Mr. Rawlins." He watched as the other man's reaction confirmed his suspicions. "Look, Dr. Hunnicut, I know that your friend was provoked but I need to know if he's a danger, either to himself or to others."

BJ stared at the cop. A few hours ago he would've known how to answer the policeman, but now. . . Now he wasn't sure. The look he'd seen in Hawkeye's eyes had scared him badly. In reality though there was only one answer he could give. "Hawkeye . . . Ben, is harmless."

Officer Mullins stared at the young man. He'd seen the hesitation in his eyes. "Uh huh. Keep a tight leash on him. Don't make me regret my decision."

BJ nodded and thanked the officer. He started back to the car and made a resolution. As soon as he got the chance he was going to give Sidney a call.

*******************************************************

Sidney was sitting in his study reading a journal. It was late but he couldn't sleep. Miriam had taken David and gone to visit her sister in Ithaca. He sighed and threw the journal on his desk. He was worried about Hawkeye. He knew that he had to have stopped his medication but without the results from the blood work there wasn't much he could do. Unless, it got bad enough to have to hospitalize.

Sidney stood up and looked out the window. That was the last thing Hawkeye needed but if it got bad enough they wouldn't have much choice. When the phone rang he made his way over to the desk and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Sidney, I didn't wake you up did I?"

Sidney frowned at the sound of the Californian's voice, felt his gut clench. It was the phone call he'd been dreading. "Not at all. How's Hawkeye?"

"Not doing so well. We've had an incident here and I could use some input."

Sidney closed his eyes and shook his head. Could Hawkeye never catch a break? "Is it time to talk hospitalization?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I don't know. I hope not but I thought you might like to know what's happened."

Sidney listened as BJ related the story to him. "How are Peg and Erin doing?"

"Peg is shaken up but she's resting and I had to assure Erin that Uncle Hawkeye was not a 'Bad Man'. He scared her badly, she's still cautious around him but she's starting to talk to him again."

Sidney nodded. Little children were resilient. In time Erin Hunnicut probably wouldn't even remember what'd happened. "And how's Hawkeye?"

BJ's sigh carried through the phone. "Withdrawn, angry, and still not able to sit still. I think maybe he had a flashback. He was getting Erin confused with the baby on the bus."

"From what you told me I'd say that was a fair assumption. It was probably a combination of the fear that he was feeling due to the flashback and the mania that caused him to lose control like that. Have you been able to talk to him? What does he remember?"

"I've tried to talk to him but he's pretty recalcitrant. I think he's aware of what he almost did. I think it scared him pretty badly too."

Sidney paused in taking notes and set down his pencil. "It wouldn't surprise me." He paused and rubbed at his face. "Okay, BJ, this was a serious incident. I'd feel better if he was here where I could watch him but at this time I'm going to leave that up to you. Are you afraid that he might hurt any of you or himself?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "No. I think we can handle him for now."

Sidney sat up in the chair and frowned. He'd heard the hesitation in BJ's answer. "You need to be very sure about this, BJ. If you don't feel you can handle him tell me now and we'll make arrangements for hospitalization."

"I'm sure, Sidney. I just . . . I just wanted to be sure of my answer."

Sidney picked up his pencil again and made some more notes. "Okay. Here's what I want you to do. You need to get to a pharmacy and pick up some Chlorpromazine. I want you to give him a 25 milligram intramuscular injection tonight. If that doesn't take him down then give him another 25."

BJ's head was spinning. "Thorazine? You want me to give Hawkeye Thorazine? Isn't that a bit much?"

"No. In fact in some hospitals it's still the preferred treatment for manic depressive illness. I'd hoped to avoid going that route but right now it's our best bet. We'll have to watch him closely for side effects, especially since he may still have some lithium in his blood stream."

"Okay, Sidney. Just use it tonight?"

"If he continues to show manic symptoms then I want you to continue giving it to him until we get his blood work back."

"Thanks, Sidney. I'll talk to you later."

"Keep me updated, BJ." Sidney hung up the phone and stared at it. Using one of the major tranquilizers was the first step to commitment and if Hawkeye was committed, chances were he wouldn't get back out.


	17. A Slippery Slope

Interior Landscape

Chapter 17: A Slippery Slope

Hawkeye stared down at the bottle of pills in his hand. It would be so easy. Peg was bathing Erin and BJ was out in the back yard pruning the lemon trees. Dinner wouldn't be for a couple more hours and by that time the drugs would've had time to work.

He'd been feeling so good. Even Erin's cries hadn't bothered him. Then that incident had happened with Erin and BJ had drugged the hell out of him. He'd nearly killed a man and had frightened the little girl. He'd almost killedamankilledamankilledaman. The thought echoed over and over in his head. He didn't know himself anymore. The old Hawkeye would never have gotten so out of control. He'd thrown a few punches in his time but to actually come to the brink of murder. That was a different story.

As that thought ricocheted around in his head he'd watched as Peg and BJ interacted, watched as they'd lived out a life that had been denied him. He knew they'd noticed a change in him; saw their worried stares and how they were so concerned with what he was doing. However, now they thought he was asleep and he could do what he'd failed to do twice before. Third time's the charm. Important things always happened in threes. This time it would work.

The results of the blood work were due in today and they'd know he hadn't been taking his pills. He hated what they did to him. They smothered his emotions. He felt like he couldn't be himself. Besides, they made his hands shake. He just wanted to see, now that things had evened out, if he could function without them. If there was any chance he could recover himself.

So he stood in the kitchen with the lithium in his hand and knew that if he was going to act he'd better do it before anyone came in and found him. The phone rang and he jerked it off of the receiver before it could bring anyone else in the room, answered without thinking. "Hello?"

"Hawkeye, this is Sidney. How are you feeling?"

Hawkeye tried to push away the surge of anger he felt. He hadn't been able to recover himself. Everything had gone to hell and there was no more left of him. He could almost hear the smugness in the other man's voice. He fingered the bottle in his hand. "I'm fine."

He could hear the incredulousness in the other man's voice. "Really? Because from the results of your work up I'd say you've been off the lithium for a while."

Hawkeye shrugged, forgot the psychiatrist couldn't see it. All of his attention on the bottle in his hands. There was no use lying. "Yeah."

Sidney's sigh carried over the phone. "Let me talk to BJ or Peg, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye hung up the phone and then immediately removed the receiver and laid it on the cabinet. He popped the cap off the pills and stared at the contents, poured them out into his hand. It wasn't full but there would be enough to do the job. He wouldn't have to try and he wouldn't be a burden on his friend's family any longer. And most importantly, he'd never, ever, hurt anyone else. It would be so easy . . .

*************************************************************

BJ closed the sliding glass door behind him and wiped the sweat off of his face. He was swallowing dust his throat was so dry. He started toward the bathroom when he thought he heard Hawkeye talking to someone in the kitchen. He reversed and started in that direction. Maybe that was Sidney with recommendations from the test results. They'd pretty much given up on Dr. Henderson and were going to have to find another psychiatrist here in California. The recent crisis had demonstrated that quite clearly.

Both he and Peg were worried about Hawkeye. After the incident with the kidnapper they hadn't known what to expect. But he hadn't lashed out at Peg or Erin and that was the important thing. But as Hawkeye's mood turned darker their worry had increased. He stayed shut up in his room for hours and hours and BJ practically had to beg him to eat.

The nightmares had gotten worse and he was starting to remind BJ of the way he was after his father died. It made his blood run cold to think that Hawkeye may have to be hospitalized again. Chances were that if that happened again he wouldn't be getting back out.

BJ frowned when he realized Hawkeye was no longer talking on the phone. He stopped in the threshold and observed Hawkeye standing over the cabinet. He was staring at something in his hand but the phone receiver was lying on the cabinet off to his side. "Hawk?"

When there wasn't an answer BJ stepped up to Hawkeye's side. When he saw what his friend had in his hands he felt something inside of him go numb. He'd done it again. He'd done it again and there was no way they were going to be able to keep him out of the hospital. He reached around, grabbed Hawkeye's wrist, felt the other man's hand clench around the pills. "Let go, Hawkeye."

BJ watched as Hawkeye turned dead eyes toward him, felt the shiver race down his back at the emptiness in his friend's expression. BJ used his other hand and pried the bottle and handful of pills from Hawkeye's grasp. "How many did you take, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye stared at him, uncomprehending. It was like trying to wake from a dream. "None."

BJ looked at him and tried to gauge whether he was telling the truth. "Don't lie to me, Hawkeye. How many?"

Hawkeye's face filled with anger. "I told you, none!" He turned and started out of the room but BJ grabbed his arm. Hawkeye turned, intending to lay it on the other man but something in his eyes made him stop. There was a fear there that made Hawkeye's knees weak, made him swallow back his own anger. "I promise. I didn't take any."

BJ swallowed and tried to calm his breathing, steered Hawkeye toward one of the kitchen chairs. He turned and put the pills back in the bottle, put the cap on the bottle but instead of putting the medicine back in the cabinet he stuffed it into his pocket. He turned to the table and sat down across from his friend. "What were you doing, Hawk?"

Hawkeye stared at the table. The hurt in his friend's face refusing to leave his mind. "I don't know. Just thinking."

BJ rubbed at the moustache on his lip. The immediate danger appeared to be over but he couldn't shake the fear that was coiling in his stomach. Images of Hawkeye swinging from the rafters floated in his mind and pictures of what he must've looked like after he'd slit his wrists joined them. Unbidden his eyes drifted to where Hawkeye's hands were clasped on the table. He wore long sleeves to hide the scarring but just now they were pushed up and BJ could see where the slashes had been made. The scars were just starting to fade to white from where they'd been an angry reddish pink. BJ felt his stomach knot up and had to try and control his breathing. "What were you thinking about, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye saw where BJ's eyes had wandered to and put his arms under the table. Hopelessness and shame contrived to make his face tight and tears spring into his eyes. Wanted to make a joke, knew that the old Hawkeye would've blown the whole incident off with jokes and witty repartee. That person felt a million miles away. He stared at his friend and tried to think of something to say, anything but the truth. But he didn't need to because he could see the truth in his friend's face. "I'm sorry, BJ."

BJ watched as Hawkeye cradled his head in his arms, as his friend's shoulders shook as he finally lost his battle with his tears. BJ put a hand on his friend's back, rubbed through the material and tried to soothe the pain his friend held. He felt so helpless as he used his other arm to swipe at the tears on his own face.

Peg entered the room, her blond hair darker from the shower, Erin clutching her leg. She took in the tableau before her and felt her own heart stumble at the sadness in her husband's face.

Erin reached for her father and BJ smiled through his tears as he held out his arms for her.

"Why's the phone off the hook?" Peg turned and replaced the receiver only to jump as it immediately rang. Putting a hand to her chest Peg looked guiltily back at her family behind her. "Hello? Yeah he's right here. Hold on a minute and I'll put BJ on."

"Dr. Freedman." Peg held the receiver out to her husband and took her daughter from his arms. The little girl gave her mother a kiss and Peg smiled down at her precious child. "We're going to be in the living room."

BJ watched as she walked out of the room and then lifted the phone to his ear. "Hey, Sidney."

Sidney was still recovering from his earlier fright. When Hawkeye had hung up on him and he hadn't been able to get through again he hadn't known what to think. The test results along with the way Hawkeye had sounded had scared him badly. He'd been afraid the other man was about to do something extremely foolish. "BJ, what's going on? Is Hawkeye okay?"

"Yes and no. Can I assume that he hasn't been taking his medicine when we give it to him?"

Sidney sat back in his chair and threw his pen down on his desk. He hated having his patient so far away. He knew it hadn't worked out with Phil Henderson and was at a loss for whom else to suggest. He just wasn't that familiar with his colleagues in that area of the country. "It's a slam dunk. He needs to be gotten back on the pills and if you weren't so far away I'd suggest you bring him in here and let me get his levels adjusted again." Sidney paused and ran his hand through his hair. "BJ, Hawkeye sounded very down, very distracted when I spoke with him earlier. He's not suicidal is he?"

BJ stared at his friend across the table. He didn't want to answer the question, was afraid that Sidney would tell him to take him to the nearest hospital. However, he knew that playing with Hawkeye's life wasn't an option. "It looks that way." Took a breath and watched Hawkeye for a reaction as he recited what had just happened to the psychiatrist. "I'm not sure if he was actually going to go through with it or if he was just thinking about it."

"I see." Dreck! The situation just kept getting worse and worse. "My instinct is to tell you to get him to the nearest hospital. But . . . How long before Peg delivers and you guys can make a trip?"

BJ frowned into the phone. "Anytime now." This wasn't what he wanted to hear. "Sidney, I know I've asked this before but things are different now. Can't we do this without hospitalization?"

Sidney sighed into the phone. "It's risky, BJ. It'll take a while for the medicine to build up and before it does Hawkeye could get worse."

Hawkeye sat up at the mention of the hospital and started to leave the room but BJ clamped his hand down on his arm, stared at him till he sat back down. "Still it could be done right?"

"Well, yes but you'd have to watch him very closely. Don't leave him alone. I would come out there but my plate is full right now." Sidney paused and rubbed at his temple. "Let me talk to him."

BJ handed the phone to Hawkeye and sat back in his chair.

Hawkeye took the phone and closed his eyes, knew that this conversation would decide his immediate future. "Sidney, I'm sorry."

"Hawkeye, I hope you realize now that going off of your medicine is a bad idea. It's something you're going to have to take the rest of your life and while that's hard it's infinitely better than this isn't it?"

Hawkeye opened his eyes and studied the formica table top, felt the bitter truth settle into his stomach. "Yes."

Sidney picked up his pen and tapped a staccato out on his desk. Now to the important question. "Hawkeye, were you going to take an overdose?"

"I don't know." Hawkeye closed his eyes and took a deep breath, tried to sort out his feelings. "I was thinking about it but I wasn't . . ." Let the sentence trail off in his confusion.

"You weren't committed to it?"

"I know you've always admired Freud, Sidney, but stealing his slip is a little much isn't it?"

Sidney sighed and rubbed at his temple. It was Hawkeye humor but the sarcasm had a new bite to it that was vicious, bitter. "I apologize. Answer the question, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye paused and tried let his stomach settle, tried not to laugh. If he told the truth, said, 'Yes, I was committed' he really would be committed. "It's just so hard. Everything is so hopeless. What kind of life can I live this way, Sidney? What kind of future do I have? I want to be normal again, I want to feel alive." Hawkeye glanced at BJ. It was the most he'd ever confessed in front of the other man.

"Hawkeye, I need you to answer me truthfully about this. Think before you answer, Hawkeye. Do you still feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else?"

Hawkeye shook his head and felt a tear escape his eye. Did he? Everything was so jumbled up and confused. Yes he did, but he couldn't say that could he. "No. I'm fine. I'm not going to hurt anyone."

Sidney's sigh carried down the line. "Okay, Hawkeye, I won't recommend hospitalization at this time but you've got to promise me a few things."

"Like what?"

"You've got to promise me that you're going to take the medicine and if you start to feel like you might hurt yourself or anybody else you have to tell BJ or Peg. You also have to hand over any stash of pills that you've been saving up. If you can do these things then I'll let it go for now. Otherwise I'm going to suggest that BJ take you to the nearest hospital and have you admitted on my authority."

Hawkeye nodded. "I haven't saved any up. I've been flushing them down the toilet."

"Are you sure, Hawkeye?"

"I'm sure." Hawkeye expected to feel anger at the question but all he felt was defeat.

"Okay. I'm going to have BJ search your things and I'm also going to recommend that you not be left alone for a while. When the lithium gets back in your bloodstream we'll reevaluate then."

Hawkeye tried to work up some indignation at the loss of what little privacy he had left but he was so tired. It just didn't matter anymore. "Fine."

Sidney sighed. The fact that Hawkeye hadn't protested was not lost on the psychiatrist. "Okay, Hawkeye. Let me talk to BJ."

Hawkeye handed the phone over to BJ and put his head down on his arms, listened as BJ got instructions from the doctor. He picked his head up as a glass was placed in front of him and took the pill from BJ's hand, swallowed it and stared at his friend's sad eyes.

"I've got to search your room, Hawkeye." BJ stared down at his friend, relief warring with the burning sadness.

Hawkeye nodded his head. "I know."

BJ shrugged and started out of the room. "Come with me."

*******************************************************

BJ couldn't sleep. The thunder outside echoed his turbulent thoughts. He stared at Hawkeye in the bed across from him as he thought about what was going to happen to his friend. He'd always assumed that Hawkeye would eventually get back on his feet. That he'd be able to live a normal life but the latest crisis had made him doubt that.

A week had passed since Hawkeye had started back on his medicine and while there had been some improvement in his mood it wasn't much. BJ felt his muscles tense as Hawkeye moaned in his sleep, prayed that he would make it through REM without having to be woken out of a nightmare.

When Hawkeye quieted back down BJ turned on his back and stared at the ceiling as other, more mundane, worries crowded into his mind. The baby was surely going to come soon and he'd need to focus his attention on that. To make matters worse he was becoming increasingly unhappy in his job. The hospital he worked for was suffering funding problems and he found the work just wasn't rewarding him as it could be.

It was horrible timing what with the baby but he was thinking that maybe he should start looking elsewhere for work. They were going to need a bigger house with the new baby and with Hawkeye staying with them for an indefinite amount of time. He'd spoken with Sidney about the possibility of relocating. He actually had an idea of where he'd like to go but wasn't sure what Hawkeye would think of it. Actually, he was pretty sure that Hawkeye would be against it.

But San Francisco and Mill Valley were growing and he found himself longing to raise his children in a smaller town. The incident with the kidnapper had only reinforced the idea in his mind. He found himself wanting to move to the east. He'd even gone so far as to contact some hospitals there around Boston and even in Maine. BJ couldn't get the little town of Crabapple Cove out of his mind. He knew that it would be a great place to raise his family.

He'd expected Sidney to shoot the idea down flat but he'd been surprised by the psychiatrist's reaction. Sidney thought that Hawkeye needed to return to his hometown and face the obstacles there. It would help him to recover from some of the things that were bothering him. So unbeknownst to Hawkeye after the baby was born they were going to be taking a trip east. Depending on how Hawkeye reacted to that would help decide future plans.

There was a soft knock on the door and BJ hurled himself out of the bed and to the door. Peg stood on the other side and BJ could see her face was flushed and a small grimace graced her features.

"It's time." Peg paused as a contraction built and she caught her breath to let it pass over her. "I'm going to get ready. Will you call the Maples and tell them we'll drop Erin off?"

*******************************************************

Hawkeye sat in the hallway staring at his cold cup of coffee. Doctors and nurses were strolling up and down to various destinations and Hawkeye watched them with a detached air. This was the first time he'd been to a hospital, at least not as a patient, for any length of time since he'd returned from Korea. It felt strange, like he should be involved in the inner workings but the thought of doing so made his stomach knot up and his coffee rise in his throat.

He threw his head back and let it rest against the cold wall. He should be happy. Peg had delivered another beautiful girl and BJ was all smiles. He was glad for his friend but couldn't share in his joy. A sweat broke out on his face and he had to put his head between his legs in order to keep from passing out. It was all just too much and he was scared. He was scared that he wouldn't ever get his life back and that maybe he really did belong back in the hospital.

He'd broken his promise to Sidney. He hadn't informed the Hunnicuts when he'd felt like pulling the plug. He hadn't acted on the feelings but they were there. He wanted so much for it to all end and he didn't know how to do that without hurting anybody else in the process. That's what had stopped him. Knowing that he would be hurting those around him. It also made him mad. Why did he have to suffer just so those around him could be happy? Tears started coursing down his cheeks and he sat his coffee cup down on the floor so he could cradle his face in his hands.

That was how BJ found him. The birth of his second daughter had washed all thoughts of Hawkeye's troubles out of his mind and he kicked himself when he saw Hawkeye like that. The people passing in the hallways were politely ignoring the crying man, used to seeing people mourning the loss of loved ones.

As BJ studied his friend the good feelings started to go away, to be replaced by sadness and even a little frustration. Here he was at one of the happiest moments in his life and Hawkeye still couldn't be happy for him. Sighing he sat down on the bench next to Hawkeye and put his hand on the other man's back. "Hawkeye."

The other man didn't react, didn't even acknowledge his presence. BJ chewed on his lip and looked to the ceiling as if looking for divine intervention. "Hawkeye, please. What's wrong?"

Hawkeye removed his hand from his face but didn't try to rise up from between his knees. He was ashamed for ruining his friend's joy. "Nothing. I'm just happy that everybody is okay."

BJ snorted and leaned forward to try and peer at his friend's face. "Funny, you don't look very happy." BJ frowned when he saw the sweat on Hawkeye's forehead and upper lip. His face was pale and he was showing all the signs of a major panic attack. "Shit!" BJ looked around for the nearest exit and pulled Hawkeye up out of the bench and towed him toward the cool dawn air.

Once outside he pushed Hawkeye up against the brick side of the building and held him steady until he was sure that Hawkeye wouldn't pass out on him. "Breathe, Hawk."

The cool air helped clear Hawkeye's head and he took great gulping breaths until he started to feel dizzy. Then when he felt like he had himself under some margin of control he tried to push BJ away. "Go back to your wife and your new daughter, BJ. I'm fine."

BJ snorted but let go of Hawkeye and backed up. "You look fine. What happened in there?"

Hawkeye looked out over the parking lot and tried to keep his breathing under control. He was never going to get his life back. He couldn't even sit down inside a hospital without seeing all of those torn and mangled bodies. There was only one option left to him and if he was going to do this then it would just be better to do it and get it over with. "I want you to take me back to the hospital." He stared at BJ and for the first time he intentionally let down his shields, wished for the other man to see what he felt.

BJ stared at his friend, read in his face what he was trying to tell him, felt his stomach settle somewhere around his knees. "Why, Hawk?"

Hawkeye turned away from his friend, seeing the betrayal and hurt in his friend's eyes was too much. "Because I won't have to try, because I'm too tired to do this anymore and I just want some peace."

BJ stood in stunned disbelief, said the only thing that would come to his mind. "It'll get better, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye whirled back on BJ, stepping close. "NO IT WON"T! People have been telling me that for over a year and it isn't happening. I'm tired. Either let me die or send me back to the hospital where they can drug me into oblivion!"

BJ stepped back at the venom in Hawkeye's voice. It was all going to hell and he had to somehow convince Hawkeye that it was worth fighting. He needed help, he needed to get back to his wife and new daughter, and he needed to see his friend whole again. There were too many needs warring within him and he grabbed Hawkeye's arm angrily. "That's just the depression talking, Hawkeye, and I won't put you back into a hospital to rot. You _can_ beat this thing and you will."

BJ tugged on Hawkeye's arm and drug him back into the hospital. After some protest Hawkeye followed quietly, head down, beaten. BJ found the nearest phone and dialed Sidney Freedman at home.

The call was short and clipped and when BJ hung up the phone he felt only marginally better but at least now he had a plan of action. He turned to where Hawkeye was standing and grabbed him by the arm. BJ proceeded to drag Hawkeye into Peg's room.

Hawkeye put the brakes on inside the room and refused to meet Peg's inquisitive stare. He didn't know what had been decided but he was tired. Whatever it was he wasn't going to fight it. He wasn't going to fight anything any longer.

BJ dragged Hawkeye over to the bassinet in the room and held him there until he stared at the child inside. "I want you to meet the newest Hunnicut."

Hawkeye stared up at his friend and tried to gauge where this was going.

BJ stared at his friend and fought the urge to shake him. He picked up the baby and held her out to Hawkeye. When he didn't move to take her he stepped forward until he was holding the baby against Hawkeye's chest. "This is Danielle Hunnicut. We named her after your father."

Hawkeye stared between the little bundle against his chest and her father; saw the determination in his eyes. "You didn't even know my father."

BJ took the little girl back and placed her in Peg's arms, tried to convey to his wife that he'd explain later. "No but I know his son and I know that he must've been a good man to raise the son he did."

Hawkeye turned his head away from his friend's stare and fought the tears in his eyes. BJ was forcing him to try and be the man that he no longer was, could no longer be. "What do you want from me?"

BJ stepped into Hawkeye's line of sight, refused to let the other man avoid his gaze. "I want you to give me a month."

Hawkeye tried to step back but BJ grabbed onto him and held him still. "A month, to do what?"

BJ kept his eyes fastened to Hawkeye's, determined that the other man would listen to him. He had to listen to him. "Just give it a month, Hawkeye. In a month I'll take you to see Sidney and if he agrees and you still want to then we'll admit you back to the hospital."

Hawkeye stared at his friend and tried to convey with his gaze what his friend was asking him to do, what he was asking him to endure for a month. When BJ's eyes continued to stare at his own resolutely Hawkeye dropped his gaze. "Fine."

He turned and sat down in one of the vacant chairs in the room, stared out the window, tried to lose himself in the growing sunrise.


	18. Home

Interior Landscape

Chapter 18: Home

In the month that had passed since the birth of Danielle Hunnicut things had gotten better. Hawkeye could breathe again. The trip to New York had been stressful. He was afraid that even though he'd changed his mind that Sidney would still insist on hospitalizing him. But Sidney hadn't wanted to do that. Instead, he wanted to take a trip.

Hawkeye stared up at the house in front of him. It'd plagued his nightmares for months and now here it was in reality, just as oppressing as it had been in his dreams. He turned as Sidney stepped up beside him. "You are a sadistic man, Sidney."

Sidney smirked and turned to take his bag from BJ. "It shouldn't surprise you, Hawkeye. You know my theory on getting people back to the foxhole as soon as possible." He stopped and studied the other man. "It was you that actually gave me the idea. We've finally made it to your foxhole in Maine."

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist. He remembered the conversation well. He turned his contemplation back to the house. "I can't believe it's still here. It seems like so long ago since I was here. I was trying to leave it behind me."

Sidney pursed his lips and gazed up at the large, white house. "You can't leave your past behind you, Hawkeye. It's always right here." Sidney tapped the side of his head and sighed. "I would've brought you back sooner but it seems like we've been moving from one crisis to the other."

Hawkeye turned to study the psychiatrist. "I'm sorry, Sidney."

Sidney turned to the man standing beside him, took hold of him and made him turn to face him. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Hawkeye. It's been rough but you're doing better and it's time to move forward with your life."

BJ came up to the other side of Hawkeye and put his arm around the other man's shoulders. "Come on, Hawkeye. It's getting late and someone still needs to hit the grocery store."

Hawkeye glanced up at the house again and with his heart thundering in his chest he started up the drive. Once on the porch he turned and looked out at the lawn, remembered that the night his father had died he'd been sitting out here studying the leaves. He turned as BJ unlocked the door and followed the two men inside.

Once inside the two other men hung back and let Hawkeye take the lead. The first room that Hawkeye came to was the kitchen. He closed his eyes as images of meals he'd shared with his father flooded his mind. He knew his breathing had sped up but was thankful that the other two men continued to hang back and give him space.

The kitchen was mostly clean and Hawkeye allowed his hand to drift to the refrigerator. Inside he found the telephone and couldn't help the snort that came out.

BJ stepped up behind his friend and glanced inside, felt his own memories rush to obscure the present as he saw the telephone sitting there. "I never did remove it."

Hawkeye closed the door and braced his palms on the refrigerator. The memories were rushing back so fast that it was taking his breath away. It was terrifying and he wasn't sure that he could do it. He felt a hand on his back and let himself be led to a chair, accepted the glass of water that someone thrust into his hand.

Sidney stepped forward and tossed BJ the keys to his car. "Do you know where the grocery is?"

BJ glanced up at the psychiatrist before letting his gaze go back to Hawkeye. He knew Sidney's therapy worked but he couldn't help being worried at the way Hawkeye was pale and trembling. "Yeah. You want me to go now?"

Sidney sat down across from Hawkeye at the table, settled himself in. He knew it was hard to see Hawkeye relive this and if he didn't know what excellent results it got he wouldn't have been able to endure it himself. "As good a time as any I think. You might want to get enough to last the week so we don't have to go back out for more supplies."

BJ nodded and squeezed Hawkeye's shoulder. "Okay. I'll be back in a little while." With a last glance at Hawkeye he left to go procure food for them.

Sidney studied Hawkeye as he continued to sit with his eyes closed. Once the lithium had a chance to stabilize in his blood stream Hawkeye's mood had recovered greatly but there were still a couple of issues he needed to address. Sidney had been planning this trip for a while and he hoped to accomplish two things.

The first was that Hawkeye needed to confront his memories and going back to the house was the best way to do that. The second was that he needed to learn that no matter what had happened he still had friends who accepted and cared for him. Sidney was hoping to accomplish this last with the second half of the trip.

Hawkeye opened his eyes and tried to focus on the man in front of him. There was a chill in the air and Hawkeye shivered a little as the sweat started to dry on him. He turned his attention back to the house tried to see it as it was now instead of letting the ghosts of the past play through his mind.

"_Well you need to eat. From the looks of it they starved you over there. You're all skin and bones!"_

Hawkeye closed his eyes again as he heard his father's voice, tried to block it out by putting his head in his hands.

Sidney leaned forward and took hold of Hawkeye's arm, tried to anchor him to the present. The idea was to confront the past, not get lost in it. "What's happening, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye shook his head but remembered to breathe. "It's too much, Sidney, I can't do this."

Sidney gripped Hawkeye's arm harder. "Yes, you can. Hawkeye, it's going to be hard but I promise you that it's going to be worth it."

Hawkeye snorted. "At least you didn't tell me it's going to get better."

Sidney smiled and removed his hand. A sense of humor was a good sign. "Ah, but, Hawkeye, it already is better."

Hawkeye uncovered his face and stood from the chair. "I need to go to the restroom." Hawkeye stopped and turned around as the other man stood and started to follow him. "Um, Sidney, I can handle this on my own."

Sidney held up his hands and sat back down. "Just yell if you need anything." He watched as Hawkeye continued out of the room, smiled as he heard him snort again.

Hawkeye made his way to the bathroom resolutely not looking around. After relieving his bladder he stood at the sink washing his hands. When he looked up at the mirror he saw his father standing behind him again.

With his heart in his throat he spun around and searched for the figure he'd seen in the mirror, but like before there was no one there. Hawkeye turned back to the mirror but his was the only visage reflected back. Hawkeye placed his palms on the sink and tried to calm his breathing.

Why? Why did he keep seeing his father in the mirror? Why did his mind insist on tormenting with him the vision of his father as he'd said those last, angry, words at him? He felt tears threaten and slammed his fist into the mirror, winced as the glass broke and cut into his knuckles. The door flew open and Hawkeye turned to see Sidney staring at him, his face white.

"What happened?" Sidney looked around and saw the mirror cracked. He then looked to Hawkeye's arms and saw blood. He grabbed the other man's arms and studied the wrists.

Hawkeye tried to jerk his arms out of the grip of the psychiatrist but he wasn't able to get loose. "Sidney, calm down. It's just my knuckles okay. I hit the mirror."

Sidney held up Hawkeye's knuckles under the light and examined the damage. Sidney sighed and dropped the other man's hand. "I'm afraid my medical skills are a little rusty. We'll need to wait for BJ to get back and have a look at that."

Sidney turned and started back toward the kitchen, pausing to make sure that Hawkeye was following him. He found a dishtowel on the sideboard and handed it to Hawkeye. When he'd sat back down he studied the other man. "You want to tell me why you did that?"

Hawkeye studied his knuckles, watched as the blood coursed through his fingers. The sudden pain had chased away the overwhelming emotions. "Not really."

Sidney sat forward and pondered the man before him. If he remembered correctly BJ had told him that he'd freaked out in the bathroom once before. Could the bathroom somehow be a trigger for him? But if that was the case then why didn't he freak out every time he went to the restroom. "I'm seeing the beginnings of a pattern here. Tell me what caused you to break the mirror, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye glared at the other man before looking down at the blood soaking through the towel. "It was just a memory, Sidney. Don't make a big deal out of it."

"I think maybe I need to make a big deal out of it." He paused and pursed his lips. "Hawkeye, that's at least the second time that something has happened in the bathroom. For all I know it's not the only two times." He smiled at Hawkeye. "You have a penchant for hiding things."

Hawkeye glared at the other man. "It was just a memory okay. It was nothing."

Sidney braced his knee against the table and laced his fingers around them. "If it was nothing then why won't you tell me about it?"

Hawkeye flexed his injured hand, felt the pain wash away the last bit of panic he felt. "I saw my father okay?"

Sidney felt his eyebrows arch up into his hairline. Had he missed such an obvious symptom as hallucinations? "Saw him how, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye sighed and stood up, started to pace the kitchen. "In the mirror. He was standing behind me when I looked in the mirror."

Sidney was quiet, let silence fill the room until the other man began speaking again.

"It's my last memory of him." Hawkeye closed his eyes and shook his head. "The last time I saw him, we . . ." Hawkeye fought down the urge to lose his lunch as his stomach rebelled on him.

Sidney sat forward searching the other man's eyes. "What happened the last time you saw you're father, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist. "We fought okay. He was concerned about me and I yelled at him."

Sidney stood and approached the other man. "How many times have you seen him, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye turned around and braced his hands against the sink. "A few."

"So your last words with your father were shouted in anger and your mind feels guilty about it. Hawkeye, you've got to let go of the guilt. It's eating you up inside."

Hawkeye turned to the smaller man let him see the pain in his face. "Seems like there's always something eating me up inside. If it's not guilt then it's the combat fatigue. If it's not the combat fatigue then it's this manic depressive bullshit. I can't get away for something eating me away inside!"

Sidney looked at the other man, didn't know what to say. It was true. It was an unfortunate fact that there were many people who dealt with comorbid disorders. It was one of the great injustices of life. It should've been that only one bad thing could happen to you during your life, one disease to have to worry with but that just wasn't the way things worked and Hawkeye had been through so much.

Hawkeye sat down at the table and picked at the towel covering his hand. "Why now, Sidney? Why did this all happen at once?"

Sidney folded his arms and studied the grain of the table before looking back across the table at the other man. "I've suspected that you've been teetering on the verge of a full manic episode for some time now."

When Hawkeye opened his mouth to protest Sidney held up a hand. "Let me finish. Hawkeye, you've always had a tendency to be gregarious, full of life. There's an energy about you that many people don't have. I've often watched as you would chase after one idea or another."

Sidney paused to collect his thoughts. "It may never have gone over to full scale mania. But the stress of dealing with the combat fatigue and then your father dying was too much for your system to handle. It tipped the scales."

Hawkeye stared at the other man tried to see his past actions as others had seen them. As realization hit him he sat back and felt the blood drain from his face.

Sidney noticed the sudden pallor of the other man and jumped up to steady him. "What is it? What's wrong?" He looked at the towel to judge how much blood was being lost but it didn't seem to be enough to cause Hawkeye to faint.

The room was spinning and he could see how his father would look at him, would watch him. He'd never been able to figure it out. Had never let his mind get that close to the truth. "I'm like my mother." Hawkeye tried to take a deep breath but the panic was settling in. "Everyone always said I was like my mother. Dad always said I was like my mother. I could never understand why he looked so worried when he said that."

Sidney frowned and tried to figure out where this was coming from, felt his eyebrows once again ascend toward his hairline. "You're mother was manic depressive?"

Hawkeye shook his head, the realization still trying to suck the air from him. "Yes . . . no. I don't know."

A sudden thought sent chills down his spine. Sidney stooped down and tried to peer up into Hawkeye's face. "Hawkeye, how did your mother die?"

Hawkeye stared at Sidney, swallowed thickly, tried to get his mouth to produce some spit. "She died when I was young."

Sidney stared at the other man, he was going into shock. He grabbed Hawkeye and led him into the living room and stretched him out on the sofa using a pillow to prop up his feet, pulled a cover from over the back of the couch and wrapped the now shivering man. He waited until some of the color returned to the other man's face. It was very important that he get an answer to his question. Children of parents who committed suicide were at increased risk for suicide themselves. It would be one more mark against him. "Yes, but, how did she die, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye opened his eyes but all he could see was the look on his father's face as he ran out of the bathroom that day, his father grabbing him and not letting him go into the bathroom. He watched as he fought his father's hands and got around him. Saw the blood that had filled the bathtub. "She slit her wrists."

Sidney sat back on his heels and rubbed his palm over his mouth. Hawkeye had obviously repressed that memory like he'd done with so many others. He watched as tears traced paths down the other man's cheeks. "I'm very sorry, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye stared up at the other man. "You always make me remember things I don't want to."

Sidney studied the other man, allowed a sad smile to grace his face. "I know and I'm sorry."

Whatever else he was going to say was interrupted as the front door opened.

"Hey guys I'm back."

Sidney stood winced as his knees popped. He was getting too old to be on the floor. "In here, BJ. Could you join us and bring your medical bag?"

BJ dropped the rest of the groceries and grabbed his bag from where they'd deposited them in the foyer earlier. BJ ran into the living room and studied the situation before him. "What's happened?"

Sidney gestured toward Hawkeye's hand and stepped back to give BJ room to work.

BJ knelt down by the hand and unwrapped the towel. He whistled when he saw the damage done to Hawkeye's knuckles. "What did you hit, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye winced as BJ started to inject a local anesthetic. "A mirror."

BJ shook his head, looked up at the other man. "What is it with you breaking glass when you're in this house, Hawk?"

*******************************************************

The next morning Hawkeye found himself awake before anyone else. He wondered around the living room but couldn't get comfortable. The house made his nerves feel raw. On top of that he'd started going through his memories, cataloguing every nuance and look of his father's that hadn't made sense to him at the time. Why hadn't he said anything?

Hawkeye made his way into the bathroom and stared at the tub but it was no good. His father had had it replaced after his mother had died. Had killed herself his mind amended. He looked at the mirror and half hoped to see his father again. He wanted so much to ask him about it.

When his father's apparition didn't appear Hawkeye left the bathroom and made his way back up the stairs. Morbid curiosity drew him up to the attic. He climbed inside and stared at the rope hanging from the rafter. Nobody had bothered to remove it. Hawkeye found the chair he'd used to jump from and sat down.

He felt no pull toward the rope except a mild curiosity. There was no desire to put it around his neck again but he couldn't stop staring at it. He was fully aware that he'd almost died. More than once. But this was the first time he'd actually confronted the scene of his botched suicide.

He was still staring at the noose when BJ came thundering up the attic ladder. He pulled his gaze away as BJ jumped into the attic and stared at him, panting for breath.

BJ stared at his friend, wary of what he was doing; he approached with slow deliberate steps. "Hey, Hawkeye what's going on?"

Hawkeye turned his attention back to the rope, tried to ignore the way his friend was looking at him. "I was curious, wanted to see if it was still here."

BJ stood on the other side of the noose and eyed it with disgust before trying to jerk it down. It was tied too tightly and he winced at the rope burn he'd given himself. He turned back to Hawkeye, wanted to get him out of there as quickly as possible. In truth, the room made him a little queasy. "Why don't we get out of here and fix some breakfast?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "Nah, you go ahead."

BJ looked at his friend. There was no way he was going to leave him up here. Sighing he sat down on the dusty floor and hoped Sidney would wake up soon. He didn't like the way Hawkeye was eyeing that piece of rope.

Hawkeye finally turned his attention to BJ and frowned at him, tried to keep the annoyance from making him angry. "I'm doing better, BJ. You don't have to act like I'm going to self-destruct at any moment."

BJ looked down at the floor tried to think of somehow to express the fear he still felt when Hawkeye was out of his sight. "It wasn't that long ago that you were, you know."

Hawkeye looked away from his friend, embarrassed by the truth in his words. "But I'm not now. I'm fine."

At BJ's glare he went on. "Okay so fine may be stretching it a bit but I'm not suicidal."

BJ nodded. "Then why are you sitting up here staring at that thing?"

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders and sat back in the chair. "I don't know. It's sort of sobering I guess."

Silence fell over the attic and Hawkeye locked gazes with his friend. "It must've been pretty scary, huh?"

BJ felt a shudder spread through him. When he closed his eyes he could still see Hawk swinging from the rafters like some twisted piñata. "Yeah it was."

Hawkeye looked at his friend saw the pain still fresh on his face. "I'm sorry, for putting you through that. I guess I wasn't thinking very clearly."

BJ shrugged. "I'm just glad I was here." He felt another shudder pass through him and tears prickled in the corners of his eyes. Tried to fight down the memories, realized it was no use. He had to share this poison that was eating his soul. "When I came through the door and saw you swinging there. . ." He had to stop and wipe at his face. "God, Hawk, I felt like I was dying I was so scared."

Hawkeye frowned but didn't say anything. As painful as it was he needed to hear this, needed to know the pain he'd put his friend through.

BJ looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. "I was so sure I was too late." He laughed but it was cracked. "You should've seen me trying figure out how to support your weight and get the noose off. If the situation wasn't so dire it would've been comical."

Hawkeye could almost picture the scene in his mind. BJ was right it was comical but he knew his friend wouldn't appreciate his humor right now. "How did you do it?"

BJ looked at Hawkeye, had forgotten that he didn't know the story. "If Sidney hadn't come at that moment I don't know what I would've done."

Hawkeye watched as his friend worked through his pain, didn't know how Sidney could do it and stay so objective. After a moment he stood and searched around in the attic. Coughing from the dust Hawkeye returned to the chair and stood up on it.

BJ jumped up, the blood draining from his face. At a look from Hawkeye he stood still and watched as Hawkeye produced a pair of scissors.

Hawkeye wiggled the scissors into the piece of rope tied around the rafter and started trying to cut the rope. It took a while but the last strand finally gave and the rope dropped to the attic floor. Jumping down from the chair he threw the scissors off to the side and picked up the rope. "What do you say we burn this?"

BJ smiled. For the first time in over a year he could see vestiges of the old Hawkeye resurfacing. "Sounds good to me. Let's go down stairs before Sidney sends out a search party."

*******************************************************

Hawkeye sat in the car and stared at the diner. It still looked the same as it had a year ago. Hawkeye could swear that the same cars were still sitting out front. Once again it was a case of Crabapple Cove not changing while he felt that he'd lived a lifetime. "Tell me again why we have to do this, Sidney?"

Sidney turned his attention from the diner and looked at the man sitting in the front seat. "Because you need to face these people and get past your perception of their feelings toward you."

Hawkeye looked back out at the diner and then to BJ. "Are you comfortable with this?"

BJ stared at his friend. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Hawkeye shrugged and stared back out at the diner. "Oh I don't know. Maybe because the last time we were here I embarrassed you."

BJ sighed and put his head back on the seat. "For the last time, Hawkeye, you didn't embarrass me."

"Well I certainly embarrassed myself." Hawkeye jumped slightly as the back door opened.

Sidney got out of the car and stretched his back while giving the other two men the time to get out of the car. If he didn't make a move then Hawkeye would let his fear keep him in the car all day. Sidney smiled slightly as he heard the other car doors open behind him. He waited until Hawkeye caught up with him before entering the diner.

Hawkeye was studying his menu as hard as he could. His hands were shaking and the tension in his neck was about to give him a headache. Beside him Sidney was studying his menu and across the table BJ was playing with the salt shaker.

"Is that you, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye looked up as Ginger came over to the table. He grimaced slightly as he saw several patrons look his way. He turned and tried to smile at the approaching girl. "Hi, Ginger."

Ginger sashayed up to the table and smiled down at the men. She smiled absently at the other guys but turned her attention back to Hawkeye. "It's been so long! How've you been?"

Hawkeye winced. The girl really had no clue. "Good and you?"

Ginger beamed down at the older man. She'd heard the rumors of course but she liked Hawkeye and wasn't going to let what people said skew her vision of him. "Really, good. Hey, did you hear that Tommy got elected sheriff?"

Hawkeye couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or amused at Ginger. He knew she had to have heard rumors about him by now. After all, it was a small town and rumors were one thing that small towns did incredibly well. "No that's really great."

Ginger smiled and opened her notebook. "I'm sorry I'm such a gabber. Let me take your orders."

The men gave their orders and Ginger snapped her notebook closed and licked her lips. "Great! I'll get your drinks right out to you." She patted Hawkeye on the shoulder and sashayed away.

BJ watched her go half amusement, half envy on his face. "My God, Hawk, I think if you'd said the word she'd have flopped down on her back right on this table."

Hawkeye snorted but didn't rise to the bait. He was still uncomfortably aware of the looks he was getting from the rest of the diner patrons.

Sidney raised his eyebrows and looked at Hawkeye. "You know this woman?"

Hawkeye shrugged. "Yeah."

BJ snorted and leaned across the table conspiratorially. "I thought she was bad last time. What else does that poor girl have to do for you to get it through your thick skull?"

Sidney turned and stared at Hawkeye. "You mean this isn't the first time she's come on to you and you haven't taken her up on it? You are crazy."

Hawkeye couldn't help the guffaw that broke free at Sidney's comment. He glared at the psychiatrist but had to admit that the laughter felt good.

"Hawkeye, old man, I haven't seen you in years!"

Hawkeye looked up as the man slid into the booth next to BJ. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Jimmy didn't know how to keep his mouth shut and he always had an ear out for newest rumor. Hawkeye tried to smile but knew it came out brittle. "Jimmy."

Jim offered a hand to BJ and then to Sidney. "Jim Slater." He turned back to Hawkeye and grinned. "Where've you been hiding yourself?"

Hawkeye tried not to glare at the man, knew that all of the diner's attention was on him and Jimmy had the biggest damn mouth. He couldn't talk below a shout if you asked him too. "California actually."

Jimmy whistled and sat back in the booth. "California, huh? Who are your friends here?"

Hawkeye gritted his teeth but managed a smile in return. "You're sitting next to BJ Hunnicut and this here is Sidney Freedman."

Jimmy nodded to the two men. "So how do you guys know our Hawkeye here?"

Sidney leaned forward and took hold of Hawkeye's knee under the table. It was starting to bounce in agitation and Sidney wanted him to remain calm. "We served in the army together."

"So you guys would be doctors then?" Jimmy nodded as if this information told him some great secret. He turned back to Hawkeye and studied the other man. "I was sorry to hear about your father, Hawkeye. I hear you've been having a rough time of things."

Hawkeye's knuckles turned white as his grip on the table increased and the pressure of Sidney's hand increased on his knee. It was taking everything he had not to launch himself across the table and go for the other man's throat. His fake sincerity couldn't hide the sneer behind his words.

BJ put a hand on the intruding man's shoulder and squeezed. "Jim was it? Jimmy, I hate to interrupt but we really need to get back to our conversation, medical stuff you know." BJ watched as the other man sneered at him before he could cover it with a smile.

Jimmy shrugged the man's hand off of his shoulder. "Sorry, didn't realize I was interrupting." He turned back to Hawkeye, made sure he had a smile planted firmly on his face. "What have you been doing in Califor-ni-a?"

Hawkeye leaned across the table and glared at the other man. He was tired of the game he was playing. "Obviously you think you know, Jimmy, so I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."

Jimmy Slater's smile dropped from his face and he smoothed down the tie on his chest. "From the way I heard it you've been locked in a wetbrain ward for the past year." Jimmy sneered. "Apparently they let you out too soon."

Hawkeye started to launch himself across the table but was stopped by Sidney. Hawkeye turned to tell Sidney to let him go but Ginger appeared at the table with their drinks.

"Jimmy, go back to the rest of the morons over there and quit bothering these men." She glared at the local real estate agent until he moved to get out of the booth.

He glared down at the younger woman and then turned to Hawkeye. "Go back to California, Pierce. We don't need your kind here."

Ginger turned on the man and glared up at him. "That's it, Jimmy. Pay your bill and get out of here!"

Jimmy glared down at Ginger before deciding it wasn't worth it. He snorted and went back to his booth to collect his hat and then stormed out of the diner.

Sidney studied Hawkeye. He had his eyes closed, breathing deeply through his nose, face white. "Do we need to leave, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye shook his head and took a few more deep breaths. "Excuse me." He stood and slid past Ginger, making his way to the bathroom.

Once inside he turned on the sink and thrust his hands under the cool water. He splashed the water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. He was pale and shaking and he wanted so badly to smash something.

Hawkeye stared down at the stitches in his right hand, flexed and made a fist, watched as the stitches pulled on his flesh. He let the pain carry away the need to be destructive.

"Don't rip your stitches, Hawkeye." BJ thrust a paper towel at him and watched as Hawkeye dried his face. "So who was that asshole?"

Hawkeye snorted and balled the paper towel up in his injured fist, felt the new flash of pain wash through him. "He never could stand the fact that I could outplay him on the field." Hawkeye walked over to the wall and put his back to it, relished the feel of the cold tile through his shirt. "He's always been a bully."

BJ stared at his friend. He was surprised that Hawkeye was handling this so well. He'd expected . . . He didn't know what he'd expected, Hawkeye to be a basket case he supposed. "Then don't let what he said bother you, Hawk. Sidney is still fending off people who all seem to agree that you should've stomped him."

Hawkeye snorted and let his head fall back against the wall. "It's not that. I could care less what that jerk says."

BJ leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. "So what's bothering you then?"

Hawkeye stood, flexed his hand and let the pain comfort him. "That I did let him get to me." He walked by BJ and toward the door. "Come on, I'm hungry."

The rest of lunch passed smoothly. It was just as BJ had said. People kept coming up and apologizing for the way Jimmy had acted. BJ was relieved that his friend seemed to be handling it all so well. He watched as Hawkeye smiled, laughed, and joked with the people in his hometown. Maybe moving here wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

Sidney had also noticed the way Hawkeye seemed to be handling the attention with his old aplomb. However, he also noticed the way that Hawkeye kept clenching his injured fist under the table. He decided not to say anything at the moment, let the other man deal with what he was feeling. He did hand Hawkeye a napkin though when a couple of his stitches popped.

*******************************************************

Sidney found Hawkeye on the back patio nursing a beer. He sat down and stared out at the evening sky. "You should take it easy with those you know."

Hawkeye looked over at the psychiatrist and saluted him with his beer bottle. "A little alcohol never hurt anyone, Sidney. I know it goes against your nature, but quit being a mother hen."

Sidney raised his eyebrow and sat forward in his chair. "Tell that to your liver."

Hawkeye snorted and turned to peer through the French doors into the living room. "Where's BJ?"

Sidney sat back and watched as a bird flew overhead. It really was very pretty here. He could see why Hawkeye would wax so poetically about it. He didn't know about Norman Rockwell but it was the closest thing he'd seen of perfection. Of course, he was a city boy and would never be comfortable in the small town atmosphere but it seemed to suit Hawkeye just fine.

"He said something about making a phone call. He'll be along in a minute." Sidney turned his attention back to the other man. "I'm curious. You've been clean for over six months what made you pick up a beer tonight?"

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist and flexed his injured hand again. "I wanted one. Besides, when you and BJ announce that you want to talk to me I figure I might need some anesthesia for what's to come."

BJ came through the back doors and sat down in the other vacant chair, reached over and smacked Hawkeye's arm. "Will you quit that? You're going to rip your stitches again."

Hawkeye frowned down at his hand. "It itches."

"Then scratch it don't flex it." BJ glared at the beer in Hawkeye's hand. "Where did you get that and why aren't you sharing?"

"In the cabinet over the fridge. Help yourself."

Sidney held up a hand to forestall BJ's departure. "Later." He turned to Hawkeye and smiled gently. "How's it been being back home?"

Hawkeye looked from one man to the other and then glared at the bottle in his hand. Truthfully, it hadn't been that bad but he couldn't see where Sidney was going with this and it made him nervous. The psychiatrist often played his hand close to his chest but Hawkeye could usually see where something was leading. "It's been good."

Sidney raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

Hawkeye frowned and glanced between the psychiatrist and BJ. "Well, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be."

Sidney allowed the smile to return to his face. That was a more honest answer. However, he wanted to address Hawkeye's new habit of causing himself pain. "That's good." He paused. "I've noticed that you've been flexing your hand quite a bit. Does it bother you?"

Hawkeye stared down at his hand, felt some anxiety worm it's way into his mind. "It's stiff so yeah I guess it does some."

BJ looked at Sidney and tried to gauge where the psychiatrist was going with this. He picked up Hawkeye's hand and studied his handiwork. It didn't look inflamed and the swelling was what you'd expect with the injury. "Does it hurt?"

Hawkeye pulled his hand back and cradled it against his chest, protecting it from prying eyes. "It's fine. It's just stiff."

Sidney decided to accept that explanation for now. It could be that he was reading too much into it. He'd wait until he had more evidence. "Hawkeye, how would you feel about moving back to Crabapple Cove?"

Hawkeye sat up in the chair. Where was he going with this? "I don't know." He looked at BJ and saw the other man was watching his reaction with intense eyes. He stood up and started to pace the deck, his mind thinking furiously about where this could be headed. Could they be thinking about getting the guardianship orders rescinded? He felt his heart hammer in his chest, could see freedom just over the horizon.

Hawkeye turned to Sidney, he needed to know. "Are you going to let me go?"

Sidney felt his eyebrows climb to his hairline. "Let you go? You make it sound like we've been keeping you prisoner."

Hawkeye just looked at the psychiatrist. He heard BJ sigh but didn't remove his gaze from Sidney, willed him to answer the question.

Sidney sighed and sat back in his chair. He could see the hope in Hawkeye's eyes, hear it so thinly concealed in his voice. He hated to disappoint him but while he was doing much better he just wasn't ready for that. "Not quite yet, Hawkeye. You're getting there but we need to give it more time."

Hawkeye scowled at the two men, downed the rest of his beer before replying. "Then what are you playing at? Are you just trying to yank my chain?"

BJ leaned forward in his chair and held out a placating hand. This wasn't going as nearly as well as he'd hoped. "Just calm down, Hawkeye, and let Sidney finish."

Hawkeye scowled at the other man but turned his attention back to Sidney, waited for him to continue.

Sidney tried to choose his next words carefully. He and BJ had discussed this and it was decided that Sidney should broach the subject and then let BJ answer any questions or concerns that Hawkeye had. "We wanted to know because BJ is thinking about moving his family here."

Hawkeye twirled around to the other man. "What? No you can't. I won't let you move your family all the way across the country out of some misguided need to help me."

BJ stood and thrust his hands in his pockets. "It's not for you, Hawkeye, or at least not only for you."

Hawkeye advanced on his friend. "So what is it then?"

BJ tried to smile but knew that it didn't reach his eyes. "You know I've been unhappy at my work, right?" He didn't wait for Hawkeye to reply. "And you know that I was quite taken with the town when I was up here before."

Hawkeye shrugged and made his way over to his chair and sat down heavily. "I don't remember."

BJ knelt down in front of his former tent mate. "I've been offered a job here at the hospital." He paused a minute to allow Hawkeye to absorb the news. "I won't lie to you, Hawkeye. I want to do this but if it makes you uncomfortable in any way then I won't."

Hawkeye stared at the other man. How was he supposed to refuse him? He and his family had taken him in when he had nowhere else to go, they'd put up with all of his bullshit. "Sure, yeah, okay."

BJ searched his friend's face for any sign of doubt or unease. "Are you sure?"

Hawkeye took a deep breath and nodded his head. "Yeah, that's fine. You guys can live here as long as you want."

BJ smiled and stood up. He really hadn't expected Hawkeye to go for it. He turned to Sidney to get his take on the matter.

Sidney stared at Hawkeye, wasn't convinced that the other man was entirely comfortable with the arrangement. "Hawkeye, if you're not comfortable with this you need to say so. Neither BJ nor I will hold it against you."

Hawkeye looked over at the psychiatrist and tried to smile. "No, really, it's okay." He tried to steady his voice. "If you guys can't spring me then I guess this is a step in the right direction."

Sidney nodded but knew that it wasn't going to be easy for Hawkeye. A visit was one thing but to be moving back was a whole other level of commitment, knew that they'd have to monitor Hawkeye's mood closely. Especially in the light of his recently recovered memories. "Okay then."

Hawkeye stood up. "Excuse me a minute."

Sidney watched Hawkeye go through the doors into the house, waited, almost anxiously, until Hawkeye returned.

Hawkeye handed a beer to Sidney and one to BJ before twisting the cap off of his own and taking a long swig. "So I guess this means that when we go back to California tomorrow it'll be to gather belongings, turn in your notice, that sort of thing?"

BJ took a drink of his own beer before replying. "When we go back, yes, but we're taking Sherman and Mildred up on their invitation to visit before we head all the way back."

Hawkeye absorbed the news, irritated that he hadn't been informed of the plans before now. He didn't know if he was up to seeing the Potters. He'd never met the colonel's wife but he viewed the colonel as a father figure. He'd never hidden this fact. The last time he'd seen him was a short time after the accident. When he'd run away.

Sidney studied Hawkeye's body language. Yes, they'd have to watch him very closely.


	19. Two Steps Back

Interior Landscape

Chapter 19: Two Steps Back

When they exited the plane at the airport Sherman Potter was waiting for them. He greeted them each with a hug, leaving Hawkeye for the last. Sherman hugged the younger man tightly.

Hawkeye was a little disconcerted at the tears in the older man's eyes when he finally pulled away. Was even more disconcerted by the lump in his own throat. "Colonel . . . Sherman. It's good to see you."

Sherman studied the younger man before him, unashamed of the glistening in his own eyes. "I dare say you look a sight better than the last time I saw you." He caught the sight of Hawkeye's hand and pulled it up to inspect it but didn't say anything. "Let's collect the luggage. You can catch me up on the way back to the farm."

Hawkeye took the opportunity to observe the older man unobserved while they collected the luggage. The ex colonel looked good. He didn't know what he'd expected, it'd only been a little over a year since he'd seen the colonel ride off on Sophie in Korea but it felt like a lifetime had passed.

Sherman Potter had a way about him that unsettled Hawkeye. It was like he could see straight through him to his very core. His father had had that same trait.

"You'll have to excuse the car. It's Mildred's and she insists on keeping a hundred superfluous things in it." Sherman snorted. "I would've brought the truck but I thought we might be tad squished in it unless one of you was adventurous enough to ride in the back."

Sidney and BJ hopped in the back of the car leaving Hawkeye stuck in the front with the Colonel. Hawkeye scowled. He knew a setup when he saw one. He slid in the front but remained quiet trying to sort through his feelings. He clenched his fist but it was unsatisfying. The wounds were pretty well healed and the stitches were ready to come out.

Sidney was well aware of Hawkeye's uncertainty and decided to take some of the focus off of him. "How's the farm coming along, Sherman?"

Sherman glanced at the psychiatrist through the rearview mirror and smiled. "Well, it's just a hobby farm but it's going pretty well. We had a good crop."

BJ smiled. It was good to be around the colonel again. The last time he'd seen him had been during the crisis when Hawkeye had been hit by the car. It was nice to have some time to chat without the impending doom of his friend hanging over his head. "How many horses do you have now, Sherman?"

Sherman grinned and chuckled. These boys knew him too well. "Just the two right now but there's a beautiful stallion a neighbor of mine has and I'm thinking about seeing if I can get Ellie with him."

The ex colonel studied the man in the seat beside him. So far he'd been quiet except for a few words of greeting at the airport. BJ had kept him updated on Hawkeye's progress and he knew about the difficult road that the younger man had been on. BJ had told him he was starting to mend but it was easy to see that he still wasn't his old self and it hurt something deep inside of him. This young man was like a son to him. "I think you'll like Mildred, Pierce." He addressed the rest of the car. "She's been chomping at the bit to meet all of you."

Sherman turned his attention back to the road. "Here we are." He turned the car onto a dirt lane and they bumped their way up to a two story white frame house. "Home sweet home."

They piled out of the car and collected their baggage. Hawkeye hung back, wishing he could get some time to himself. He felt a little overwhelmed by the emotions that seeing his ex CO had brought up.

"Mildred dear we're home." Sherman held the door open to allow the others to enter before him.

Mildred stepped out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She gave the ex CO a peck on the cheek and turned to greet her guests. "Now don't tell me," She studied her guests and winked at BJ. "you must be BJ Hunnicut, then this would mean that you are Sidney Freedman," She paused and stepped up to Hawkeye. "and you must be Hawkeye." She stepped back and eyed them all critically. "You must be tired from your trip. Just leave your bags here for now and we'll get you set up later."

BJ smiled at the older woman set his bag down. "It's good to meet you, ma'am."

Mildred waved her hand at him and started shooing them toward the living room. "That's Mildred to you, dear. Now I want all of you to get comfortable and I'll bring in some lemonade. "

Hawkeye sat down on the couch and studied the living room. It was a comfortable room with pictures and paintings hung on the wall. Like the CO's office there were numerous pictures of horses and a few of Sherman's paintings hanging on the wall. One painting in particular caught Hawkeye's attention and he made his way over to where it hung.

It was the painting that the colonel had done to send home to his wife. Hawkeye studied the faces of his friend's. It was so long ago but they still haunted his dreams every night. He was still caught up in both wishing to see them and wanting to never see them again. Hawkeye glanced over to where BJ was chatting with the colonel. Of course in some instances he didn't have much of a choice.

He was brought out of his revelry as Mrs. Potter came back into the room with a tray filled with glasses of lemonade. He watched as BJ helped her set the tray down on the coffee table.

Mildred beamed at the young man and turned to the rest of the room. "I've got some cooking going in the kitchen so I'll leave you fellows to catch up. We're not expecting the rest until tomorrow so you guys have plenty of time to catch up."

Silence fell on the room as Hawkeye came forward. "What do you mean the rest?" His voice was deadly quiet.

Sherman looked back and forth between his other two visitors, his expression growing stormy. "You mean you didn't tell him!"

Mildred put her hand to her chest. "Did I say something wrong?"

"We were afraid that if we told you, you wouldn't come." BJ walked over to where Hawkeye was standing and tried to put a hand on the other man's shoulder but Hawkeye shrugged it off.

"You were right!" He turned to Sidney and glared at the psychiatrist. "Are you trying to give me a relapse?"

Sidney stared up at the glowering man. "Hawkeye, calm down. We knew that if we told you, you wouldn't come and this is an important part of your recovery. Let's sit down and talk about this."

Hawkeye could feel the room closing in on him and he started to sweat. He wasn't up to playing 'normal' for everyone. It was bad enough with everyone that was already there. To think that he would have to deal with more was unbearable. He started backing up out of the room.

BJ took a step forward to try and halt Hawkeye's escape. "Hawkeye, where are you going?"

Hawkeye shook his head, turned and ran for the door. BJ started after him but was stopped by a hand on his arm.

Sherman Potter looked at the two men standing in his living room. Springing this on Hawkeye wasn't right. By leaving him unprepared they were upping his stress levels to incomprehensible levels. "I've never considered either of you to be stupid but this takes the cake!" He turned to Sidney, "Sidney, I know you're good at what you do but I have to tell you I think you left your brain in New York!"

The two men stood, dumbfounded, and watched as the colonel marched out of the house to go look for Hawkeye.

Sidney sighed and dropped himself on the couch. There hadn't been any other way. Hawkeye was one of the most stubborn men he'd ever met. If they'd told him he would have simply planted his feet and refused to budge. Of course he'd meant to break the news to Hawkeye a little more gently but Mildred Potter had no way of knowing that. That's where he'd dropped the ball he decided. He should've informed the Potters of his plans better.

Hawkeye didn't know where he was going. He just knew he had to get away from everyone. He couldn't think! Panic was pressing down on him and he couldn't breathe! His lungs were burning and tears were stinging his eyes. He found a wall and let himself slide down it until he was sprawled on the ground. His breathing wasn't getting any easier and he saw lights at the edge of his vision. If he didn't calm down he was going to pass out.

Hawkeye flexed his injured hand to try and induce some pain to carry him through the panic. But the wound was too healed and the pain not enough. Hawkeye thrust his head back against the wall and a satisfying thud was followed by a wave of pain that helped clear his head enough for him to see. As the pain started to pass his panic started flooding back in and he searched around himself desperately.

He saw the light glint off of glass on his right. Hawkeye picked up the bottle and smashed it against the side of the wall. Then using the jagged edge of the old soda bottle, he slashed at his forearm.

The intense flash of pain washed away the panic and Hawkeye leaned his head back against the wall. He was able to breathe again and reveled in the feel of oxygen flooding his lungs. It felt so good just to be able to breathe.

Sherman finally caught up with Hawkeye at the side of the barn. He approached his former captain with steady even steps, made sure that the other man would hear him coming so as not startle him. As he approached Hawkeye he took his time and studied the other man. He was pale, sweating, and breathing heavily. Sherman may not have been a psychiatrist but he recognized the signs of a panic attack when he saw one.

He caught sight of Hawkeye's arm and his footsteps faltered before he picked up his pace cursing inwardly. If the fool actions of the other two men had cause Hawkeye to try and commit suicide again he'd wring their fool necks. "Pierce?"

Hawkeye jumped. He hadn't heard the older man approaching over the thundering of his own heart. He tried to hide his arm but one look at the colonel's face told him it was too late. He sat and watched as the colonel knelt down in front of him.

Sherman studied the other man's face as he reached for his injured arm. The boy's pupils were dilated and he was sweating but he seemed coherent enough. "What've you done to yourself, Hawkeye?"

He was relieved to see that the cut was not on the underside of the arm over the vein but was instead on the upper fleshy part of the forearm. Sherman decided not to question the boy now. He needed to get him inside. The cut would need cleaning and stitches as it was bleeding rather profusely. "Come on, let's get you inside."

Sherman led the younger man back through the field and toward the house. In his years as a regular army man he'd seen lots of boys self-destruct. He knew that sometimes the mind was just not equipped to deal with the horrors of war. He also knew that Hawkeye's problems extended far beyond the war. There was so much that had gone on in this young man's life, so much pain.

He frowned at the lack of response from his ex surgeon. Pierce seemed dazed. "Hawkeye are you still with me?"

Hawkeye blinked and tried to focus on what the older man was saying. It all seemed so far removed from him. It was a relief. He felt that nothing around him was real and he was just an observer into the acts of others. "Yeah."

Sherman frowned. It'd taken an awful long time for Pierce to answer the simple question and he sounded out of it. He needed to get Hawkeye back to Sidney. He just didn't know enough to deal with what was going on.

By the time they reached the house the colonel was breathing heavily. He was in fair shape for a man his age but the extra weight of hauling a dazed man had given him quite a workout.

Hawkeye paused as he reached the porch and Sherman stopped and squeezed the other man's arm. "Come on, Hawkeye."

Sherman breathed a sigh of relief as Hawkeye started up the steps. "Sidney, can you come here a minute?" He steered Hawkeye to the table and sat him down.

Sidney came trotting into the dining room with BJ on his heels. When he noticed the sheen on Hawkeye's face and the glassy appearance of his eyes he cursed internally. It wasn't until BJ's hiss of indrawn breath that he noticed his arm.

Sidney stepped to the side and made room for BJ to get a better look at his arm. Then, pulling a chair slightly off to the side he sat down and tried to get Hawkeye to make eye contact with him. He frowned as Hawkeye's gaze continued to be unfocused. "Hawkeye, what happened?"

Hawkeye blinked his eyes and tried to focus on the man off to his right. "I'm fine."

Sidney felt his frown increase at Hawkeye's inability to answer the question. He turned to BJ. "How's he doing?"

BJ sighed and looked up at the psychiatrist and shook his head. "His pulse is a little low but not alarmingly so. He's not in shock." He took hold of Hawkeye's face and turned him to face him. "Hawk, what happened to your arm?"

Hawkeye blinked at BJ and then down at his arm. "I cut it."

"Here's my medical bag. He'll probably need a tetanus booster." Sherman returned to the dining room and handed his bag to BJ before turning to the psychiatrist. "Has he ever done this before, Sidney?"

Sidney shook his head and stood from the table. "I've noticed him use pain to carry himself through uncomfortable moments but no he's never done it to quite this extent." Sidney studied Hawkeye as he tapped his finger on his lips. "I think he's in a dissociative state right now."

Hawkeye was starting to feel the pain from his wound. He looked down to where BJ was cleaning it with an antiseptic. He closed his eyes and swallowed as feeling started flooding him again. Hawkeye threw his head back and tried to breathe deeply through his nose. He wasn't panicking like before but he was damn uncomfortable. He jerked his arm and hissed as BJ rubbed the area a little too enthusiastically. "That's still attached you know."

Sidney knelt down in front of Hawkeye and looked into his eyes. "Hawkeye, you back with us?"

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist. "I never left."

"I don't know, Hawkeye, you were awfully far away." Sidney studied the other man. His color was improving and there was no doubt that the other man was again fully aware. "I'm sorry you had such a bad shock, Hawkeye." He kept using his name in hopes of more fully anchoring him to reality.

Hawkeye hissed again and pulled his arm out of BJ's grasp before turning back to the psychiatrist. "Well, you should be. I can't believe you'd set me up this way!" He stopped and glared at BJ as the other man took his arm back. "I never pictured you for a sadist, Sidney, but I'm starting to."

BJ laid the bloody gauze aside and picked up the hypodermic needle. "Going to feel a little stick as I numb it, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye ignored BJ and continued to glare at Sidney and Sidney stared right back at him unflinchingly. "I did what I thought best, Hawkeye. Granted you weren't meant to find out quite so abruptly." He spared a glance at Mildred Potter who was sitting in the corner, tried to convey that he didn't blame her. "But this is something you need to do." He took a deep breath and watched for a moment as BJ started suturing the gash on Hawkeye's arm. "We've arranged it so that everyone's arrival will be staggered and you won't be inundated with everyone at once."

Hawkeye turned away from Sidney, didn't want to look at the other man any more. "I don't know why I'm surprised." He turned his gaze back on Sidney and tried to convey the contempt he was feeling. "You're the doctor."

Sherman Potter had remained quiet through the discussion but he thought it was about time he stepped in. "Let's all just calm down. What's done is done and there's no reason to try and change the past." He smiled down at his wife. "Mildred, dear, I think dinner's burning."

"Oh dear." Mildred Potter jumped from where she'd been sitting and ran for the kitchen.

Sidney watched the woman go. He'd have to be sure to talk with her later and make sure that she understood that he didn't blame her. He turned back to Hawkeye. "Hawkeye, are you feeling like you might hurt yourself again?"

Hawkeye didn't take his eyes off of where BJ was taping the dressing over his stitches. "No." In truth he was a little scared. He'd never purposefully hurt himself before. At least not like this. The relief it brought had felt so good. For a little while he'd had no worries. He'd felt nothing and it was so freeing.

BJ stood and gathered up the medical supplies and trash. "All done but Sherman is right. You'll have to go into town tomorrow and get a tetanus shot." He glanced at Sidney. He didn't know what to make of this latest episode. It was obvious that Hawkeye hadn't been trying to fatally wound himself but it was still a nasty wound.

Sidney looked at BJ and nodded his head. He'd have to talk to Hawkeye more at length later. Right now he needed to calm down and process what had happened. Sidney stood and let out a grunt as his knees popped. "Well I don't know about you guys but I think I could use some of that lemonade now."

Hawkeye stood and started out of the room. "If you don't mind I'm going to lie down." He stopped and hung his head. "Colonel . . . Sherman, would you mind showing me my room?"

*******************************************************

Hawkeye had lost track of time lying on the bed. He hadn't been able to sleep with everything going on in his head. He didn't know whether he was more mad or scared. At times thoughts of his mother crowded out everything else and he felt the hopelessness of his situation swallow him. Sometimes he thought that if suicide was good enough for his mother then it was good enough for him. After all, she hadn't been able to beat it. What made him think he could?

Then thoughts of his father would intrude and he'd remember how torn up his father was after his mother had died. He argued with himself constantly. One side telling him that he didn't want to do that to BJ or anyone else, while the other told him it wasn't the same.

Hawkeye closed his eyes as there was a knock on the door. Maybe if he pretended to be asleep they would leave him alone. He didn't want to be seen. It hurt to pretend to be okay and he was so tired.

Sherman Potter opened the door to the guest bedroom and came in. He stared at the man lying on the bed. His body language was screaming that he wanted to be alone but the ex colonel wanted some time to talk with his ex surgeon and with the influx of people they were expecting there wouldn't be any later. He sighed and sat down on the other bed. "Pretending to be asleep didn't work with my kids and it won't work with you either, Pierce."

Hawkeye groaned and sat up on the bed. He wanted to resent the other man for disturbing him but deep down he knew the other man hadn't done anything to deserve his ire. "Sorry. I'm just not feeling very sociable right now, Colonel."

Sherman pursed his lips and studied the other man. He looked worn out emotionally. He looked almost as bad as some of the times he'd been back at the 4077th. "Can't say as I blame you, son. And it's Sherman now." He let the silence hang as he contemplated the other man. "I know you're mad at Sidney and BJ right now and with good reason but I don't think they meant any harm. They're just trying to do what they think is best for you."

Hawkeye nodded his head and then did something he hadn't done in a long time. He looked someone directly in the eye. "I know it's just . . ." He trailed off, didn't know how to put it into words.

Sherman nodded and moved to sit by the younger man. "You feel like you can't breathe don't you?"

Hawkeye let out a gush of air. "Yes."

Sherman looked at the ceiling and contemplated a water stain in the corner. "I know how you feel. When I was a teenager, right before I joined the cavalry, I almost died." He paused remembering the horrific accident that had nearly taken his life. "We had a neighbor who had just acquired a wild stallion." He smiled at the memory of that beautiful animal. "Well I was young and dumb so I bet my friends that I could ride it."

Sherman paused took a deep breath. "I don't remember much after approaching the horse. I know that I was trampled pretty good." Another pause. "Anyway, I nearly died and for the longest time afterwards my mother and father watched everything I did." He chuckled. "It nearly drove me up a wall. I still think I partly joined the cavalry so early just so I could get away from them."

Hawkeye stared at the older man. "How could you even approach a horse after something like that?"

"I didn't remember any of what happened. It just never entered my mind that it could happen again. It's not the perfect analogy. I know you're going through an awful lot right now and I know that I can't possibly know what it's like but I wanted you to know that I understand at least a part of where you're coming from."

Hawkeye smiled at his old CO. "Thanks, Sherman. I appreciate it." Hawkeye paused. He wanted so badly to tell someone what was going on in his mind. It felt like he'd explode if he didn't but he was so afraid of what the ramifications of telling would be. "Can I tell you something in confidence?"

Sherman narrowed his eyes and studied the other man; it was obvious he was nervous about what he was going to say. He knew that whatever the other man was going to say he was worried about getting back to the others. Wanted to assure the other man that his secret was safe with him but knew the dangers of promising that so blatantly. "I won't tell another soul." He held up a finger. "Unless, you give me reason to."

Hawkeye thought about it, weighed his options in his mind. He knew that if he continued to stew about this that it would just grow in his mind and eventually swallow him whole. He needed to talk about it with someone but he wasn't comfortable telling Sidney, was afraid he'd stick him back in the hospital. "You have to understand it's just thoughts there's no . . . I'm not . . ." He stopped and sighed angrily.

Sherman narrowed his eyes and put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "I think I understand, go on."

Hawkeye tried to swallow but his glands had stopped producing spit. "I'm like my mother was." He stopped and closed his eyes. "She killed herself and sometimes I just wonder . . . I wonder if I should bother to fight or if that's all there is for me."

Sherman studied his work boots before replying. "I'm sorry, son. I didn't know that." He took a deep breath and tried to think of something useful to say but everything he could think of sounded trite. "You're not your mother, Hawkeye. Just because things ended badly for her doesn't mean that it will for you."

Hawkeye shook his head and tried to not let the colonel see how desperate he was feeling. "Sometimes . . . sometimes I think I can see how this will all play out and it scares me."

Colonel Potter pursed his lips as he stared at the other man, tried to decide if this was indeed something he'd have to tell Sidney. In the end he decided he wouldn't have to tell him in so many words. He'd just let the psychiatrist know that Hawkeye was worried about ending up like his mother. "You have to believe that things can get better. You have an awful lot of people in your corner, Pierce, and we're all there for you."

Hawkeye nodded and dry scrubbed his face. He'd shared what he needed to so how come he didn't feel better. Now he felt guilty for burdening the older man with his problems. "Thanks, Sherman."

Sherman stood to leave but Hawkeye caught his sleeve. "You're not going to tell Sidney are you?"

Sherman studied the younger man. What he'd said had been sufficiently disturbing. He wasn't going to mislead the younger man. "I may mention that you're worried about ending up like your mother but I won't divulge what you've told me."

Hawkeye started to argue but stopped. It was likely the best he was going to get. At least the other man hadn't lied or tried to mislead him. "Thank you."

Sherman smiled and started to leave the room. "Come down to dinner, Hawkeye. Mildred has worked awfully hard."

Hawkeye nodded and started to get up off of the bed. "When are the other's expected to arrive for this little impromptu version of 'this is your life'."

Sherman laughed. It was good to hear Hawkeye joke again. "Actually we already have a few more guests. Peg and the children have arrived along with Miriam and David, Sidney's family."

Hawkeye took a deep breath. He wasn't nervous about seeing Peg. She'd already seen him in meltdown and as for Sidney's family. He didn't owe them anything.


	20. First Arrivals

Interior Landscape

Chapter 20: First Arrivals

Hawkeye looked out at the passing landscape. It was still early enough in the fall for it to be muggy and he sat back and let the heat sink into his bones. The silence in the truck was an easy one. The old colonel didn't ask hard questions and somehow Hawkeye didn't feel like he had to put a mask on for his old CO. But the trip into town hadn't taken nearly enough time. As far as he was concerned they could've stayed away from the house all night. But Sherman only practiced medicine part time, mostly filling in for the town doctor when he was away and so there was nothing to keep them in town.

He glanced over at the man behind the wheel. What would he say if Hawkeye told him he didn't want to go back? That he didn't want to face all of those people. What if he told him how it tore at him inside, this masochistic desire to see all of them and the resentment he felt toward them?

"A penny for your thoughts, Pierce."

Hawkeye realized he had been staring and turned away, plucked at the bandage covering the stitches on his arm. "Just wishing I didn't have to do this."

Sherman nodded his head but didn't turn from the road. He didn't understand everything that the younger man was feeling but he knew it must be hard. "No one's going to judge you, Hawkeye. Just try to relax. If it gets to be too much you can always escape to a bedroom or go for a walk."

Hawkeye nodded his head. He just didn't want anyone to see him. He felt like he had a giant sign on his chest proclaiming that he was crazy. When they turned into the rutted drive Hawkeye closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them again when they pulled to a stop and stared at the front porch. There, standing by the door, was the blond bombshell herself. Hawkeye gripped the door handle and pushed the door open.

At least Margaret had seen him. Margaret already knew the story, had seen him since all this had started. He walked up to where she was standing. "Margaret."

"Hawkeye."

Hawkeye stiffened before relaxing as she threw her arms around him. "I knew you'd fall for my body one day."

He was disconcerted when she pulled back to see tears in her eyes, felt himself closing down. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of how his actions affected other people. He pushed past her into the house.

Margaret watched as Hawkeye walked away from her. She turned to where the colonel was standing at the bottom of the steps and gave him a hug. "What did I do?"

Sherman linked his arm through the woman's and escorted her up the stairs. "Offhand, I'd say you cared." He turned away from the door. "It's good to see you, Margaret."

Margaret smiled and rubbed a finger under her eye to try and clear up the damage she'd done with her tears. The last thing she wanted to do was go in there with mascara running down her cheeks. "It's good to see you to, Sir."

Inside Hawkeye retreated to his room. The Hunnicuts and the Freedmans had been sitting in the living room watching as Erin and David played together so he'd been able to sneak past without them noticing him. He paced the room, thought about turning around and leaving. Just taking off and going somewhere where no one would know him. Of leaving everyone and everything behind.

Of course he'd done that once before and it hadn't done him any good. If he was going to be forced to live like this then he needed to decide what to do with his life. The thought of wandering aimlessly for the rest of his life held no appeal. He threw himself down on the bed and studied his shoes.

He'd never wanted to be anything but a doctor and now that desire was gone. He needed to think and he couldn't do that surrounded by people all the time. He felt like he was wrapped in wool, everything seemed so blunted, knew that it was the medicine. He was half tempted to stop taking it again. At first, when he'd stopped before, he had felt so good. The lure of that rush, the feeling of being on top of the world, was so tempting.

He'd be able to think then, to feel, and experience things. Now it was like the majority of his feelings were locked away and now he just felt like shit.

There was a knock on the door and Hawkeye groaned. He didn't look up as the door opened or when feet appeared in front of his. What did get his attention was the beer shoved in his face. He looked up to see BJ standing in front of him.

"Take it." BJ handed the beer to his friend and sat down on the other bed in the room taking a sip from his own. "How was the trip into town?"

Hawkeye studied his friend. BJ seemed more relaxed than he'd seen him since he'd gotten out of the hospital last. "Fine."

"Good. You know, Sherman's got a basketball hoop out back. We could shoot some hoops."

Hawkeye continued to stare at his friend. "Basketball?"

BJ grinned and stood up. "Yeah, you remember it's the game with the hoop and the orange ball."

Hawkeye took a pull from his own bottle, didn't know how to react to this sudden change in his friend. He wanted so much to just say yes, to let everything go back to being normal. But the anger and resentment that he felt at the way BJ had treated him made it hard. He narrowed his eyes. "What brought this on?"

BJ sighed and walked to the window. "I can't invite my best friend to a game of basketball?"

Hawkeye stood and placed the beer on the bureau. "You're best friend, sure. You're charge? The mental patient you've been taking care of for the last seven months? I'm not so sure."

BJ turned on his friend and studied him. He was right. Ever since he'd taken guardianship of Hawkeye he'd been treating him differently. Being with the colonel and Margaret again had shown him that. "I know things between us have been differently lately, Hawk. I'm sorry. I just . . . I was worried and I wanted to make sure that nothing happened to you."

Hawkeye could feel the anger burning inside him, coaxed the flame. "Bullshit! When you look at me you don't see the man you served with in Korea. You see someone who has to be handled with kid gloves." Hawkeye stopped and caught his breath. "You haven't seen me as your friend in a long time. Why start now?"

BJ turned from Hawkeye, couldn't stand the accusation in his eyes. "I was wrong, okay. I admit it. You needed a friend and I wasn't there for you but, Hawk, you've been doing your best to push everyone away." BJ turned on him, his own anger coming to the surface. "What about you, huh? You've been so busy building walls around yourself that no one can get in! Every time I tried to be your friend you would push me away. The only thing you've let me be is your keeper!"

"That's all I'm fit for anymore!"

Silence filled the room broken only by Hawkeye's labored breathing. He hung his head and sat on the bed. Everything that BJ had said was true. He hadn't let him be a friend.

BJ stared at his friend, anger warring with disgust at his own blind acceptance. Of course Hawkeye would see himself that way and BJ just hadn't pushed hard enough to get through. He'd fallen in the trap of seeing Hawkeye as damaged and hadn't taken the time to see the whole man. But having Hawkeye continually push him away had hurt so bad.

"That's not true and I'm sorry if my actions made you feel that way."

Hawkeye watched as BJ left the room. Part of him wanted so badly to go and apologize. He wanted his friendship with BJ to return to normal. It was this realization that got him up and off the bed. It was the first time he'd craved another's presence, the presence of a friend, in so long.

Hawkeye walked downstairs and into the living room. Everyone was there except BJ. "Where's BJ?"

Sidney looked up from where he was watching David and Erin play on the floor. "He said he needed to go for a walk. Everything all right?"

"Yeah." Hawkeye turned around and bound out of the house and down the porch.

He could see BJ at the bottom of the drive and ran to catch up. He caught up with his friend and continued to walk with him in silence for a while. It'd been so long since he'd reached out to anybody that he wasn't sure how to anymore. Everything he wanted to say sounded wrong in his mind. "I've always wondered why they called Missouri the show me state."

they called Missouri the show me state."

BJ continued to contemplate the road under his feet. "I think it has something to do with a speech given by Vandiver."

They continued up the road, each man lost in thought of the other. It was a hot and muggy day and soon BJ was sweating. "You really don't mind us moving to Crabapple Cove?"

Hawkeye was taken aback by the sudden change in topic, paused briefly while BJ pulled ahead. "No."

BJ stopped and looked back at his friend. "I really am sorry, Hawkeye. I wish I'd handled things differently."

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders and started walking again. "I know this hasn't been easy for you. I'm sorry for making things . . .more difficult."

They turned around and started back to the house. The unease between them a little more bearable.

"So, still up for that game of basketball?"

BJ grinned at his friend and clapped him on the back. "Sure."

*******************************************************

The game had been fun. Hawkeye sat in the back yard and sipped at his water. He'd been surprised that he'd enjoyed it so much. They'd pulled Sherman and Sidney into the game as well while the women watched and cheered them on.

Hawkeye turned to Sidney and watched as the other man held his sleeping child. It was a side of Sidney he'd never seen before. It made him seem softer, more real, somehow. "Who else is coming to this little shindig of yours?"

Sidney looked up from where he'd been contemplating David's black hair. It was curling so softly around his ear. It accentuated the perfect shape of it. "Well, Charles is due in later this evening." He stopped and considered the other man. Something had happened earlier in the day that had taken some of the wariness off of Hawkeye.

Sidney had been both pleased and surprised to see Hawkeye join the basketball game earlier. It was something that he hadn't been expecting. "You seem to be feeling better about this. What happened to change your mind?"

Hawkeye stared out at the back yard and shrugged his shoulders. He was still nervous, still afraid the others would see him for what he really was and pity him. In truth he didn't know if he could do it but he'd decided that he had to try. He studied the bandage on his arm. "I'm still uncomfortable about this, Sidney. Who else is coming?"

Sidney smiled at his wife as she came out of the house and handed him a glass of water. She bent down and gave him a kiss while taking David out of his arms.

Miriam smiled down at her husband's patient. Normally she didn't meet with the people her husband worked with and in truth didn't really care to. But she knew that her husband had developed a special bond with this man. She was glad to see his mood improving. "Hawkeye, would you like another glass of water?"

Hawkeye smiled and shook his head. "No thanks." He watched as she carried the little boy inside. "Answer the question, Sidney."

Sidney took a sip of his water and sighed as it washed away the dryness in his throat. "Father Mulcahy and Radar will both be here tomorrow."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and tried to swallow the bile that climbed his throat. Radar had always looked up to him, almost worshipped him and while that had gotten better after they'd come to an understanding he didn't want the young man to see him like this. "Is that all?"

Sidney nodded and watched as the other man digested the news. It would be these two that would be the hardest as they hadn't interacted with Hawkeye since he'd come back from Korea. "It'll be okay, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye turned to watch as BJ started setting up the barbecue. Sherman had gone to pick up Charles and it wouldn't be long until they arrived.

The thought of seeing Charles again scared the shit out of him. The last time he'd seen him he'd been in a very bad place and he didn't want to look and see pity in the Bostonian's eyes. Hawkeye leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

Charles had always been such a pompous ass. He wasn't sure if he was hoping whether that had changed or not. If it hadn't then he would be easier to ignore but if it had . . .

"Sidney, I need to figure out what to do with my life."

Sidney turned to the other man, couldn't help the delighted smile that stretched across his face. He knew having Hawkeye confront his past was the step to getting him to face his future. "Any ideas?"

Hawkeye shook his head and frowned. He'd just always wanted to be a doctor. It was all he knew. But he didn't know if he still had it in him. He didn't know if he could face it. "A doctor is all I've ever wanted to be, Sidney. I can't picture myself doing anything else."

Sidney nodded. In truth he didn't know if it was wise for Hawkeye to return to surgery. There was always the chance that his moods may swing even under the meds, especially under stress. "Is that something you think you'd like to do again?"

Hawkeye stood and went to the edge of the porch, sighed. "Not surgery. I don't think I could do that again. I don't know maybe if I had my own practice. I just don't know, Sidney."

Sidney stood and walked to Hawkeye's side, studied the landscape before him. "If you had a partner I think that would be okay."

Hawkeye flinched at the psychiatrist's words; understood the implied meaning. He couldn't practice medicine without someone looking over his shoulder. He felt his good mood deflate. What was the use? How could he possibly return to some semblance of normal when he couldn't even work without supervision?

Sidney sensed Hawkeye's mood dive, sighed. Hawkeye had to face up to the truth. He had to learn to accept his limitations and he needed to see that that was okay. That he could still have a normal life. Even if it was different than the one he'd had previously. "Why don't you take some time and think about it."

Hawkeye nodded and walked out to see if he could help BJ with the barbecue.

*******************************************************

Charles studied the white frame house as he exited the truck. In truth he was very nervous about this get together. Seeing Hawkeye in the hospital had changed him. When he'd seen what Hawkeye was going through, what he himself had escaped . . . he realized life was too precious to waste on trivialities. So while he still enjoyed the finer things in life he was more aware of everyday things, of the nuances that so many people took for granted.

He took his bag from Sherman's hand. "I never realized you had such a large abode, colonel."

Sherman studied the Bostonian and the snarky come back died on his lips. The statement had lacked any of Winchester's usual snobbishness. "Yes, well, it's not the Waldorf=Astoria but it's home."

Charles followed the older man toward the house. He had never thought to visit Missouri before. But it really was a quaint little place, flat when compared with the east coast, but nice. "Sir, how is Hawkeye doing? I know you said he'd improved but . . ." Scenes of the last time he'd seen the other surgeon flashed in his mind. The dull, lifeless eyes still haunted him.

Sherman couldn't quite get his head around this new version of Winchester and he wondered what had happened to change the other man so completely. He turned and regarded the other man before leading him over to chairs on the porch. "Well, I never really saw him at his worst. He's still having some problems. I'd hoped that things would be looking up for him but I just don't know. Sidney seems to think so but he's been with him through the worst of it."

Charles contemplated the bag at his feet, felt the pall of Korea start to descend about him again. He wanted very much to turn around, to try and forget everything connected with that place.

The ex CO continued to stare at his former surgeon while the silence built. It was obvious that something was bothering the other man. "You're not nervous about seeing him are you, Winchester?"

Charles turned to the older man and studied him. Was he nervous? No, not like the other man meant, but Hawkeye had had a profound effect on him. He didn't know if seeing the other man would once again bring out his own demons. "No. I'm simply inquiring after his health."

inquiring after his health."

Sherman nodded. That sounded more like the Winchester he knew. "Well, instead of sitting here and talking about him why don't we go inside and you can see for yourself."

"Certainly." Charles followed the other man into the house. He took his time and studied the décor. It was a pleasant home, not fancy, but comfortable.

"Mildred, dear, we have another guest." He took the bag from Charles's hand as his wife emerged from the kitchen. "I'll set this by the stairs and you can take it up later."

Mildred smiled at the bald headed gentleman. She wasn't really sure what to expect from this one. Sherman had often assured her he was a good man just a pompous ass. It made her nervous. "Dr. Winchester, it's nice to finally meet you."

Charles smiled down at the older lady and took her hand. "The pleasure is mine, dear lady. Please, call me Charles." Charles watched as the woman blushed and he smiled and looked over the house. "This is a lovely home, my dear."

Mildred smiled at the man in front of her. She tried to discern if the man was being snide but she couldn't pick up any hidden inflection in his tone and decided to take the words at face value. "Thank you. The others are out back. Why don't you go join them and I'll send Sherman out with some refreshment."

Charles nodded and made his way through the home to the back door. Outside he could see Sidney Freedman sitting on the patio while Hawkeye and BJ were at the grill. He took a moment to observe Hawkeye.

The other man smiled some but it wasn't the easy carefree smile that he'd often worn in Korea. He acted like it was an emotion that he was out of practice with and remembering how he'd been back in Boston maybe he was. Charles took a deep breath and stepped back into the sweltering heat.

Sidney turned and stood when he heard the door open. He smiled and stepped forward to offer the other man his hand, was surprised when he was engulfed in a hug. He returned the embrace and stepped back to study the other man more closely. "Charles, you look good."

Charles stepped back, a bit embarrassed by his impromptu display of emotion. "Dr. Freedman, it's good to see you."

Sidney continued to study the surgeon. He looked good. There wasn't anything that was setting off his alarm bells but something had changed. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. The war had changed all of them. "Have a seat."

Charles continued to stand. He couldn't take his eyes off of the two men out in the yard. "How's he doing?"

Sidney turned and looked out to where BJ was talking to Hawkeye. "Hawkeye has his bad times and his okay times. There's still a lot to work on." He turned once again to Charles. Perhaps it wasn't the war that had changed him. The way he stared at Hawkeye . . .

Charles started off of the patio but was stopped by the other man. "If his greeting is less than enthusiastic don't take it personally. He's very nervous about seeing everyone again."

Charles turned partially and allowed a small smile to play at the corners of his mouth. "So am I." Before the other man could comment he left the patio and made his way over to where the two men were standing.

BJ noticed Charles walking their way and met him halfway. "Charles!" He embraced the other man and was somewhat surprised when his greeting was returned. He pulled away to see the other man smiling at him. "You look good. How's civilian life treating you?"

Charles smiled at the Californian and wiped at his bald head. "Very well. I'm sorry I haven't been in contact more but things have been rather hectic."

BJ nodded and started back to the barbecue. "Well come on over. We're grilling steaks and chicken for dinner."

Hawkeye watched as the two men started his way. He could see Charles studying him and it made him uncomfortable. No doubt he was comparing him to how he'd last seen him. Hawkeye closed his eyes and swallowed as the memory washed over him. Charles sitting at his bed while he was strapped down, disheveled from living on the streets. He didn't notice he was rubbing his scarred wrist until BJ stared pointedly at them. He dropped his hands to his side and continued to stare at Charles.

There was an uncomfortable silence as the two men stared at one another. Finally Charles stepped forward and embraced the other man. "Pierce, it's good to see you."

Hawkeye returned the hug stiffly. He didn't know what to say. His past was a huge stumbling block. What did you say to the man who had last seen you strapped to a bed? "You look good, Charles."

There was a shout from the patio and they turned to see Margaret coming across the yard. Charles turned more fully and smiled as the ex major made her way across the yard. She was as beautiful as ever. "Margaret, my dear, you look wonderful."

Margaret smiled as she was engulfed in a hug. She tried to reply but it ended up muffled into his chest. She pulled back and smiled up at the man who'd been both a fascination and constant irritation to her. "You too. Look at you!"

Hawkeye and BJ stood back and watched the exchange. BJ turned to Hawkeye and grinned. "I don't know about you but I think those two have some unresolved feelings."

Hawkeye was just glad the focus had been taken off of him. He needed a drink. "I'm going to go and see if I can't get us some drinks."

BJ watched as his friend made his way back up the yard. He was stopped briefly by Sidney but then went into the house. BJ turned back to the grill. It'd been so good to see Hawkeye relax a little and drop his guard but with the arrival of Charles he'd seen it snap back into place. He'd hoped that Hawk's new found ease would last but it didn't look like that would be the case.


	21. Enough

Interior Landscape

Chapter 21: Enough

Hawkeye was sitting on the back porch nursing a beer. He could hear the frogs in the creek and tried to let the gentle stillness calm him. Dinner had been an uncomfortable affair. The conversation kept coming back to him and he hadn't wanted any part of it.

He hadn't been able to get his earlier conversation with Sidney out of his head. Just when he started to feel better it seemed like something was thrown in his way. His mood had continued to grow darker as the evening went on and the others could tell. He'd seen the questioning glances thrown his way by BJ and the concerned look on everybody else's face.

He sat there and tried so hard to push the encroaching blackness off of him. He couldn't go through that again. Somehow he just knew that if he sunk to that level again it would be the end. He didn't know what was wrong. He was taking his medicine like he was supposed to. He was trying to get well and let all of this fall behind him but this darkness in his soul wouldn't leave. He kept telling himself that tomorrow would be better but then tomorrow would come and it wasn't better. It wasn't better and he was being beaten down.

The one thing that time was doing was that it was allowing him to hone his skill at hiding his feelings. So he talked, he tried to smile, and he tried to make plans; but inside it felt like a lie. A lie that was slowly smothering him.

Hawkeye jumped as the back door opened and he turned to see Charles and Margaret come out on the patio. He tried to put on his happy face but realized he just didn't care anymore.

Charles and Margaret had decided to go for a stroll along the brook. It wasn't until they were half way down the patio that they noticed Hawkeye sitting in the dark.

Charles turned to where Pierce was sitting and tried to see him in the evening gloom. An unease started somewhere in the pit of his stomach. There was nothing about the other man's presence that screamed that he was in trouble, nothing that made him think that Hawkeye was thinking bad thoughts. Yet that was the impression he got. Charles stepped back up on the patio and stared down at his former tent mate. "Hawkeye, Margaret and I were going for a stroll. Would you like to join us?"

"That's okay. You two go ahead."

Margaret stepped up beside Charles. Hawkeye hadn't lived with her long but she knew enough to know that when Hawkeye sounded like this he was having a dark mood. "Why don't you come, Hawkeye? It'll do you some good."

Hawkeye fought back the snarl. He was tired of people telling him what was good for him. He concentrated on trying to sound normal. "You two lovebirds go ahead. I'm going to sit here and chaperone from a distance."

Charles snorted and sat down in a chair, motioned for Margaret to do the same. "We've just been catching up."

An uncomfortable silence descended on the threesome.

"I hear you're moving back to Crabapple Cove." Margaret sat forward in her chair, tried to decide where the conversation should go. She was worried about Hawkeye and desperately wanted to talk to him. Finally, she just blurted it out. "I'm worried about you, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye snorted and stood to go into the house. If they wouldn't leave then he would.

Charles stood up to stop the man but stepped back as Hawkeye turned on him.

"Just don't. I have nothing to say to you. There is nothing to catch up with me. You want to know what I've been doing? NOTHING! I take my medicine, help Peg take care of the kids, and I have my brain picked over on a daily basis. This is all that's left of me and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm not going to do it anymore. And, no, I'm not going to talk about it."

Charles watched stunned as Hawkeye went back into the house. He turned to Margaret to see tears in her eyes. He gathered her up into his arms. "We need to tell Sidney."

Hawkeye was pacing his room upstairs when there was a knock on the door. He whirled and picked up a book and flung it at the door. "Go Away!"

Sidney peeked into the room and then down at the floor where the Zane Grey novel had come to rest. He looked back up to make sure that Hawkeye wasn't going to throw something else, came into the room and closed the door.

Hawkeye advanced on the psychiatrist. He was mad. The rage that was bubbling up inside of him was burning him alive and he didn't care what he did. He didn't care what happened. That was all behind him now, it was far away. Hawkeye grabbed Sidney by his shirt, opened the door, and threw him out. He slammed the door shut and put his back to it.

He closed his eyes as Sidney started beating on the door.

"Hawkeye, you need to let me in."

The noise was bringing others upstairs and he could hear other voices on the other side of the door. Hawkeye snarled. He was trapped without anyway out except the window. But the minute he removed his weight from the door they'd come in.

Hawkeye turned and drove his fist into the wall but it didn't help. The rage was still there. He threw open the door and started to push his way past the startled men. He was stopped as BJ grabbed him by the arm.

Hawkeye turned around and threw a punch. It landed squarely on BJ's jaw and the other man stumbled back.

Sidney started to advance but Hawkeye rounded on him and he backed up. "Hawkeye, you have to listen to me and calm down."

Hawkeye sneered and turned to go down the stairs. He was getting out of there. He'd had it with all of their coddling. When he found his way blocked by Charles and the colonel he whirled, and shoved past Sidney and back into the bedroom. He was so sick and tired of this shit.

Before anyone could stop him Hawkeye smashed the window and climbed out onto the overhang. He ignored the blood as it poured over his arm. He paced the overhang and stared down at the ground. The jump wasn't enough to kill him but the drop would undoubtedly break a bone. He wouldn't be able to get away if his legs were broken.

Sidney was at the window, his heart in his throat. He'd been aware that Hawkeye's mood was spiraling down but he hadn't thought he was to the point of suicide. "Hawkeye, don't do this. Come back in and let's talk this through."

Hawkeye sneered at the man and looked over the edge. Some of the other's had made their way outside and were looking up at him. Hawkeye snarled and turned around. He made his way over to where the roof met the overhang and started to climb up.

BJ pushed Sidney out of the way and climbed out the window. He rushed the other man and grabbed him around the torso. The two fought and BJ cursed as he lost his footing. He stumbled and felt himself going over the edge.

BJ reached out and his fingers caught on to something. He gripped the edge with all his might and looked over his shoulder. When he saw the ground below he swallowed and closed his eyes. There was a scream from below and BJ silently cursed as he recognized Peg's voice.

Hawkeye stared down at where his friend was dangling. He didn't want to stop. If he stopped they'd get him and he wanted to be free but he couldn't let BJ fall. He reached over the edge and grabbed the other man's forearms and tried to haul him back. The blood running down his arm made his hand slippery and he couldn't get purchase. "Beej, help me out here."

BJ had opened his eyes to see Hawkeye grasping him. Now he tried to convince himself to let go of the ledge and grab onto the other man.

Hawkeye gasped as arms came around him and tried to pull him back. "Let go! I'll drop him if you don't let go!" The arms continued to pull and Hawkeye cursed.

Sidney slid up beside Hawkeye and grasped BJ by the shirt. "It's okay, Hawkeye. We're trying to help you pull him up."

Hawkeye nodded and together they got the other man back on the ledge. Hawkeye stood and tried to dart up to the roof when he was grabbed from behind. Hawkeye snarled and tried to get lose. He turned his head enough to see that it was Charles who had him around the torso. "Let go of me, Charley."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Pierce." Charles turned to Sidney. "What shall I do with him?"

Sidney disappeared back into the room. "Bring him back in here and hold him until I get my bag."

Charles fought with Hawkeye to get him in his room until the colonel stepped up and grabbed the fighting man's legs. Together they carried Hawkeye through the window and to the bed and put him down on it.

BJ kneeled down to where the side of Hawkeye's face was pressed into the bedspread. He was still shaky from his close encounter with his own mortality but he tried to push it back and focus on the man before him. "Hawkeye, it's BJ come on."

Hawkeye glared at his 'friend'. He knew it was hopeless. They had him down and he wasn't able to get free but he couldn't still the thrumming of his heart or the fury that raced along his nerves. "Let me go!"

BJ closed his eyes and took a deep breath before regarding the man on the bed. What was this? It had seemingly come from nowhere. Was this another manic attack? Had Hawkeye not been taking his medicine again? How did it happen so suddenly? There were so many questions and as he stared at the eyes of his friend he felt the little hope he'd had about Hawkeye's recovery shatter. "We can't do that, Hawk. You might hurt someone."

Sidney returned with a syringe and a vial of liquid. He squeezed in between the men holding Hawkeye down and jerked the waist of his pants down to expose Hawkeye's hip. "Hawkeye, this is Chlorpromazine. You've had it before."

Hawkeye stiffened as he felt his hip being swabbed with alcohol. "Damn it! Don't fucking do this!"

Sidney ignored the other man and inserted the needle, began pushing the drug. He removed the syringe and wiped at Hawkeye's hip with the alcohol. Then he pulled up the waistband on the other man's hip and stepped back to watch.

Hawkeye was still struggling. He could feel the two men on his back and legs and he could see BJ staring at him so intently. BJ's eyes were moist and it made him even madder. Why couldn't they just stop caring about him? "Don't you dare cry!"

BJ turned his head away and Hawkeye snarled. "Don't look away either. Take a good look. Take a good look and don't forget." He could feel the drugs pulling at him and still he tried to get lose.

Sidney pulled BJ away and knelt down in his place. "Don't fight the drugs, Hawkeye." Sidney watched as Hawkeye continued to glare at him, watched until his eyelids drooped and his body went limp. Sidney stood and motioned the other two men off and handed BJ a suture kit.

BJ took the kit and started to work on the gash in Hawkeye's arm. He had so many stitches he was starting to look like a patchwork version of himself.

"My God, what was that?" Charles stared down at the drugged man. He'd never seen Pierce so angry, not even in the hospital had there been that kind of fury.

BJ wiped at his face, looked at the psychiatrist and tried not to let his defenses come crashing down completely. "How did he become manic so quickly and why kill himself if he was manic?"

Sidney looked at the group around him and then looked down at the sleeping man. "I don't think that's what this was." He started toward the door. "Let's talk downstairs."

After procuring beers for everyone and ice for BJ's jaw they gathered in the den. They were quiet as Margaret inspected BJ's swelling jaw. "Can you open your mouth?"

BJ nodded and placed the ice back where his jaw was throbbing. He pulled Peg closer to his side. She was still shaking from seeing her husband dangling from the roof.

Quiet descended again and Sidney realized they were all looking at him. "What?"

The colonel frowned. He supposed after that everyone had the right to be snarky but it was unlike the psychiatrist. He was always so unflappable. "What the hell was that?"

Sidney shook his head and took a pull from his beer. "I'm sorry." This case was getting to him too. He wanted so much to see Hawkeye well but it seemed like no matter what he did something always blocked the other man's progress. He knew it was the nature of the illness, knew that any other psychiatrist would have committed him and been done with it. He had wanted so badly for Hawkeye to beat this. "That gentlemen, and ladies, was anger."

"Anger? Sidney, I get angry, that was psychotic!" Margaret frowned at the psychiatrist.

Sidney sighed. He was frustrated and he was hurting but his friends didn't deserve to have it taken out on them. "Extreme anger is a symptom of combat fatigue. We've been lucky enough to avoid too many serious problems with it but it isn't without precedence in this case."

Sidney drained his bottle and set it down on the table. "If you all will excuse me." Sidney started toward the front door.

"What about Hawkeye?"

Sidney turned to see the worry etched on Charles's face. "With the amount of drug that I gave him he'll be down for the rest of the night."

Sidney made his way out and sat down on the front stairs. In truth, Hawkeye probably wouldn't be awake for the first half of tomorrow either. He needed some downtime after that little stunt. Sidney sighed and cradled his head in his hands. The disappointment inside was eating at him and he knew if he wasn't careful he'd fall into his own depressive funk. Nothing got to him more than seeing patients he'd failed.

It was becoming increasingly clear that Hawkeye was not going to be able to be managed on lithium alone. He was still having mood swings, albeit not as severe, and then there was the combat fatigue. He was going to have to discontinue the Lithium and start him on Thorazine and chances were that Hawkeye was not going to be able to manage outside of a hospital.

Sidney stiffened before relaxing as arms came around his shoulders. He leaned back into Miriam's softness and let her sweet smell wash away some of the tension in his shoulders.

"Bubbeleh?"

Sidney sighed and pressed his cheek into Miriam's hair. "Things are not going as I wish, Miriam."

Miriam scooted so she was sitting next to her husband and leaned into his warmth. She knew her husband had his own propensity toward depression, knew that he took the failure of his patients to get well very hard. "Slihah. What are you going to do?"

Sidney shook his head and put his arm around his wife. "I don't know. I'm running out of ideas. His depression just isn't getting better. He thinks he's hiding it from me but I can see it."

Miriam hugged him and looked up at the stars. "This man is important to you. More so than a regular patient." She smiled up at her husband. "He must be something very special."

Sidney nodded and tried to smile down at his beautiful wife. "He is. I wish you could've met him when he was less farmisht. You would've liked him."

Miriam turned as the front door opened and smiled at the man who came out. "I'm going to check on David." She kissed her husband and went inside.

BJ walked to the porch railing and looked out at the night. It was so dark you couldn't see anything beyond the light of the porch. The image of Hawkeye lost in darkness so absolute came unbidden and BJ closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you and Miriam."

Sidney shook his head and stood. "It's okay."

BJ watched the psychiatrist, felt his own stomach rebel at the hopeless look on his face. "Sidney, I don't like that look on your face."

Sidney shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped off of the porch. He tried to let the breeze carry away some of his tension. "I'm running out of ideas, BJ. I'm afraid we're losing him and there's nothing I can do to save him."

BJ swallowed and sat down in one of the rocking chairs. "He was doing so much better today. He was playing basketball and we talked. He wasn't the same as he used to be but he was better."

Sidney shook his head. "His depression is still there, the combat fatigue. I'm going to have to switch him from Lithium to Thorazine. It's the first step to permanent committal, BJ."

BJ shook his head and tried to sort through his own feelings. He was tired. He'd taken Hawkeye on with the thought that he would get better. He didn't know if he and Peg had the energy to deal with him indefinitely. However, he didn't want to see Hawkeye wind up in the hospital forever. "There has to be a way, Sidney."

Sidney shook his head and rubbed at his temple. "The only other thing I know of is electroshock but I have to warn you, it's dangerous. It will change him."

BJ stood up from the chair and walked down where he could see Sidney better. "Isn't that what we talked about once before? You might as well kill him, Sidney!"

Sidney shrugged. "I'm sorry, BJ. I don't want this anymore than you do." Sidney started toward the house.

BJ stepped in front of the psychiatrist. "Look, I can administer the Thorazine. Let's just wait and see how he does on that before we make any drastic plans."

Sidney studied the other man, admired his devotion to his friend. "If you're sure you still want to do this then okay." He glanced pointedly at BJ's jaw.

BJ rubbed his swollen face and tried to grin, to turn it into a joke. "He owed me one."


	22. In the End

Interior Landscape

Chapter 22: In the End

Upstairs BJ went into Hawkeye's room and sat down on the other bed. Surely he should be waking up by now? It was nearing one in the afternoon and Hawkeye had yet to show signs of consciousness. He sighed and lay down on the other bed.

They'd been able to reach Radar before he left his home and tell him not to come. The young man had been understandably concerned but he'd agreed that adding more stress to Hawkeye wouldn't help him. They hadn't been so lucky with the Father; he'd left before they could get a call in.

BJ sat up when he heard a groan come from the other bed. He watched as Hawkeye blinked his lids open and smacked his mouth. BJ started to worry as Hawkeye continued to stare at him uncomprehending. "Hawkeye?"

There was a blink of blue eyes. "Beej?"

"Yeah it's me. You feel like getting up?" BJ watched as Hawkeye blinked at him again and shrugged. The other man started struggling to get up and BJ stood to help him. "You okay, Hawkeye?"

Again there was a long silence and BJ felt his anxiety increase. "Hawkeye, sit still a moment." BJ went to the top of the stairs and yelled down for Sidney before returning to the room. He was helping Hawkeye sit back up when Sidney came through the door.

"What's wrong?" Sidney was breathless from his run up the stairs. BJ had sounded scared and visions of Hawkeye swinging from the rafters had invaded his thoughts.

BJ turned and gestured to where Hawkeye was sitting, staring. "This is wrong! How much did you give him?"

Sidney crossed in front of Hawkeye and frowned down at his patient. "Not as much as I wanted to. Hawkeye, can you make it to the bathroom?"

Sidney watched as Hawkeye shrugged. "Come on and help me get him to the bathroom. A shower will revive him a little."

They put Hawkeye between them and escorted him to the bathroom. BJ helped him position himself so he could use the restroom and turned away while keeping a steady grip on his shoulder to keep him from toppling over. He hated this. What kind of life would Hawkeye have if he was drugged to the gills all the time? The thought came unbidden to him that perhaps Hawkeye was right. Perhaps it would be better if . . . He shook the thought out of his head and closed his eyes. He would not think like that.

When Hawkeye was finished BJ and Sidney stripped him and put him under the shower spray. By the time the shower was over Hawkeye was washing himself and though still sluggish he seemed more aware of his surroundings.

Sidney came into the bathroom with clean clothes. Hawkeye was mostly able to get his clothes on though BJ had to help with the buttons on his shirt.

Hawkeye frowned down at his hands. Something was wrong. He couldn't get his fingers to work properly. He was aware that the others were helping him get ready but he couldn't muster up the energy to ask why.

BJ stepped back and dry washed his face. He never wanted to see Hawkeye like this again. It tore at him to see his friend trapped behind eyes glassy with drugs. "Do you feel up to coming downstairs and having something to eat?"

Hawkeye shrugged. He knew he should be feeling something but he couldn't figure out what. "I guess."

Sidney and BJ led Hawkeye downstairs and into the dining room. They could hear silence fall in the den as the others caught a look at Hawkeye.

BJ sat Hawkeye down in a chair. "I'll get you something." BJ stopped in the kitchen and braced his hands on the counter and tried to compose himself. Once he had his emotions under control he began to gather up leftovers.

Sherman Potter was the first to come into the dining room. He was eventually followed by the others. Hawkeye was showing more life but his eyes were still glassy and his emotions blunted. The gathering around the table was quiet. It hurt everyone to see their friend in this shape.

Sidney continued to stare at Hawkeye. BJ was right. This was no life. Sidney said a silent prayer to a god he was no longer sure he believed in.

It was Margaret who broke the silence. "What's going to happen to him now, Sidney?"

Sidney sighed and turned away from Hawkeye. "Now, he goes back to the hospital."

BJ returned with the food and sat it down in front of Hawkeye. "Eat something, Hawk."

He watched as Hawkeye stared at the food in front of him before starting to pick at it.

The colonel jumped up and looked at the clock. "Jumping Jehosaphat! I forgot to pick up the padre!"

They all watched as the colonel rushed out of the room. Tension gave way to nervous laughter and the room didn't feel so heavy anymore.

*******************************************************

Hawkeye was sitting out on the back porch doing his best to ignore BJ. They had him under twenty four hour watch again even though he'd done his best to explain to them that he hadn't been trying to kill himself. It didn't matter. He knew tomorrow they'd be back on their way to New York and he'd be in the hospital before nightfall.

He closed his eyes and tried to swallow down his bitterness. He wasn't going to do this again. No way. They were forcing his hand and he was almost glad. Tonight he'd be sure to do it right. He already had it planned out in his mind. He'd seen where Sherman stored his guns. There would be no mistake.

He didn't care that it would hurt people. Last night he'd almost killed BJ. It didn't matter that it had been accident. That would've hurt a whole lot more than what he was going to do. Hawkeye jumped slightly as the back door opened. He turned to see Father Mulcahy come out onto the patio.

"Hello, Hawkeye." Father Mulcahy smiled down at the other man, tried not to show the shock on his face. His old friend looked beaten, resigned to a fate that no man should have to endure. He was aware of the man's struggles of course. He just hadn't expected them to be written on his face so plainly. He turned at a hand on his shoulder.

BJ smiled down at the priest and gave him a hug. "You're looking good, Father."

Father Mulcahy smiled back at the mustached man. "You too, BJ. That's a lovely family you have."

BJ stepped back. "Thank you."

Father Mulcahy glanced back at Hawkeye before turning back to BJ. "Would it be alright if I spoke to Hawkeye for a moment?"

BJ nodded and gathered up his book. "Of course. I'll be right inside if you need me."

Father Mulcahy watched as BJ made his way into the house before pulling a chair up close to Hawkeye and sat down. He continued to study the other man and he said a silent prayer that he would say the right things. "I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through, Hawkeye. I know that it's been hell for you."

Hawkeye studied the other man. He had a gentle way about him that made him want to spill his guts. It was the perfect demeanor for a priest. He hadn't been to mass since he'd graduated college and he couldn't remember the last time he'd entered the confessional. He looked to his legs. "I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing, Father."

Father Mulcahy frowned and tapped Hawkeye on the shoulder to get his attention. "I need you to look at me when you talk or I can't understand you."

Hawkeye frowned at the priest. "What's happened to your hearing, Father?"

Father Mulcahy smiled and sat back in his chair. "I lost most of it when we were being shelled in Korea."

Hawkeye shook his head, remembered the way the father had seemed a bit behind in conversations. It made sense. "That must make hearing confession hard."

Father Mulcahy smiled and folded his hands. "It's taken some getting used to. I work mainly with children who are hard of hearing now." He was quiet a moment. "I know what you've been through has been tough and I know that sometimes you feel like you just want to give up. I know I did. But, Hawkeye, you must believe that God has a plan for all of us."

Hawkeye laughed and it was bitter. "I don't know about God, Father, but I know what those two have planned for me."

Father Mulcahy frowned and tried to think of some way to break through the other man's bitter defeat. "Yes, well, they're just trying to do what's best for you."

Hawkeye stared down at his knees before looking back up at the priest. "Father, I need the sanctity of the confessional."

Father Mulcahy sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "You have it, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye looked away before turning back to the priest. "Forgive me father, it's been . . . I can't even remember the last time I went to confession." He paused and tried to gather his thoughts. "I can't do what BJ and Sidney want me to do. I won't go back into the hospital."

Father Mulcahy frowned. "What do you plan to do, my son?"

Hawkeye looked back at the house before continuing. "Tonight I plan to commit the unforgivable sin, Father. Tonight I plan to kill myself."

Father Mulcahy closed his eyes and crossed himself. "Hawkeye, please, don't do this. You need to give us a chance to help you, to let God help you."

Hawkeye closed his eyes. "I've given them over a year. I don't have anymore time left."

Father Mulcahy shook his head. "I can't let you do this, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye sat forward in his chair. "You can't violate the sanctity of the confessional, Father."

Mulcahy pressed his lips into a line. "I don't have to. I'll stop you myself."

Hawkeye sighed and sat back in his own chair. "No you won't."

Father Mulcahy stood and stared down at Hawkeye. "I can't absolve you of this, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye nodded. "I know."

Father Mulcahy placed his hand on Hawkeye's head. "I will stop you, Hawkeye. Even if I have to box you down."

Hawkeye didn't say anything as the priest went inside. A moment later BJ came out on the back porch. "Come eat some dinner, Hawkeye."

*******************************************************

BJ and Sidney were sitting in the living room, each with a cup of coffee. It was three in the morning and yet they still sat their constant vigil. Father Mulcahy was upstairs with Hawkeye so they knew it was unlikely that Hawkeye would make it downstairs without a scuffle but they didn't want to take any chances.

BJ had alerted Sidney to what he suspected and the psychiatrist hadn't been surprised. However, they'd been unable to get an earlier flight than the next day and so they had to wait.

BJ had watched as the father and Hawkeye had talked on the porch. He'd been desperately looking for some sign that Hawkeye was still inside. His suspicions were first alerted when he saw the priest cross himself. Then he'd watched as Father Mulcahy had shadowed Hawkeye all day. The way the priest was lost in thought or prayer and didn't participate in conversations. He couldn't understand why the father didn't say something so he'd pulled him aside.

Father Mulcahy had been distraught but all he'd say was that he couldn't violate the sanctity of the confessional. When he'd pushed the only thing that the father would say was, "Watch him, BJ."

So BJ had shared his concerns with Sidney. Sidney had drugged Hawkeye again but they remained up just to be cautious. It hadn't been as large a dose as he'd given him the night before so Hawkeye would be able to function in the morning and they weren't going to take chances that it was enough to keep him down all night.

So they sat in silence and waited. And while they sat BJ had come to some conclusions of his own. A part of him screamed at what he was thinking. It railed and ranted that this was not the right action to take. But he couldn't stand the thought of Hawkeye stuck in a hospital for the rest of his life, of Hawkeye drugged to the point that he couldn't function. So BJ sat and felt his own cloud close over him.

Thirty more minutes passed before they heard a creak on the stairs. Both men sat at attention and watched as a lone figure made its way down the stairs. BJ frowned. Hawkeye shouldn't have been able to make it down without them being alerted by the father. He felt something twist in his gut as he watched Hawkeye make his way over to the gun cabinet. What had he done with the father?

Hawkeye was in for a nasty surprise. They'd cleared out the gun cabinet and secured everything in Sherman's truck. When they heard Hawkeye curse softly Sidney flipped on the light, momentarily blinding all three men.

Sidney stood but didn't approach the other man. He shouldn't be able to become violent with the drug in his bloodstream but he wanted to be cautious just in case. "We've secured all of the weapons, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye glared at the men in front of him, felt his heart beating hard in his chest. He had to do this. There was no choice. "Please."

Sidney shook his head and slowly approached the other man. "Where is Father Mulcahy, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye glared at the psychiatrist. Father Mulcahy had violated his vows. He'd told. He felt the acid churn in his stomach. His only chance at freedom had been shot to hell by a vow breaking priest. "He wasn't supposed to tell you anything."

BJ stepped forward and studied his friend. It was hopeless. He could see the certainty of it on his friend's face. If he went back into the hospital it would kill what little was left of Hawkeye. He felt his eyes prickle, knew that he was going to lose his friend one way or the other. "He didn't tell us anything, Hawkeye. What did you do?"

Hawkeye stared at BJ; saw that he was realizing what he himself had realized a long time ago. "He's not hurt."

BJ nodded his head and tried to fight the warring emotions inside. He turned to Sidney. "I think I can handle things here. Why don't you go back to bed? One of us has to be coherent in a few hours."

Sidney turned and studied the other man. Something had changed and it made his gut twist. "I don't think that's a good idea. I'll wait here; you check on the father and get some rest."

Hawkeye stepped forward and tried to show the psychiatrist that he was calm. "Please, Sidney, let me talk to BJ alone."

Sidney stared at his patient realization and horror dawning. He looked between the two men. They were both too calm. He turned to BJ and glared at the other man. "BJ have you lost your sense! You can't do this!" He stared as the Californian lowered his eyes to the floor, knew they were in trouble. He turned to yell up the stairs for reinforcements.

Hawkeye grabbed a lamp from the end table, came up behind the psychiatrist, and hit him over the head with it, stared as his doctor, his one time friend, crumpled to the floor.

BJ jumped and quickly knelt down by Sidney's still form, checked his pulse, his pupils. He sat back on his heels and looked up at his friend. "You shouldn't have done that, Hawkeye."

"He'll be okay." Hawkeye shrugged and placed the remaining pieces of the lamp on the end table. He'd half expected the noise to roust the rest of the household but it remained quiet upstairs. "He gave me no choice."

BJ nodded and stood, felt something within him break. "You don't have to do this, Hawkeye. We'll figure something out."

Hawkeye stared at his friend, felt something thaw inside. "Yes, I do. There is nothing else."

BJ took a step forward and tried to reason with the other man. "What if we don't put you back in the hospital? You can come back and live with me and Peg for a while longer. We'll work on getting the guardianship rescinded."

Hawkeye shook his head and felt tears tremble on his lower eyelashes. "I'd avoid the hospital this time, BJ, but what about next? Things aren't getting better. They're worse and it's going to keep getting worse." He stopped and embraced his friend. "BJ, I'm already dead, please, let me go."

BJ buried his head in his friend's shoulder and let the tears fall. Let the anguish for a dear friend overwhelm him. He didn't know how long he stayed that way. It was Hawkeye who finally pulled away. BJ stared at his friend, tried to memorize his face. "What will you do?"

Hawkeye smiled and for the first time it felt real. His pain was almost over and he'd be able to rest. "Do you really want to know?"

"No." BJ closed his eyes, let the despair pull him down. He thought about offering to help, about offering his friend a cocktail that would put him down painlessly. One look at the other man's eyes told him he'd refuse. "The guns are locked in the colonel's truck."

Hawkeye nodded and started toward the front door. "Goodbye, BJ."

BJ stared at his friend. "See you later, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye smiled and left the room.

BJ sat down on the couch and let his head fall back as the tears coursed down his cheeks. He tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. He sat there and fought the war within himself. He knew that Hawkeye was right. There was no way Sidney would let him avoid hospitalization this time. Hawkeye would be reduced to nothing.

But the guilt was already starting to eat at his brain. It kept telling him that there had to be a way; that they could come through this. That he was as good as a murderer if he didn't go out there and stop Hawkeye. He started to get up, to go after the other man but the sound of a gunshot thundering in the distance stopped him. BJ gasped, felt as if he was the one who'd been shot. His stomach started to rebel and he lurched off of the couch for the toilet. When he was done emptying his stomach BJ lay down on the floor of the bathroom and cried.

*******************************************************

The first thing Sidney noticed was the pain in his head. It was thrumming along in time with his heartbeat. The next thing was the way the floor was digging into his ribs. He sat up and put a hand to the back of his head. It came away sticky and he peered down at his hand, tried to remember what had happened.

He'd been talking to Hawkeye and BJ, knew that BJ planned to help Hawkeye. Sidney cursed and looked around the room. He had to find them fast. The clock said it was only four thirty so only an hour had passed.

Sidney stood and started toward Hawkeye's bedroom but a light shining under the door of the bathroom stopped him. Without knocking, he threw open the door. He didn't know what he'd expected but it certainly wasn't BJ. He rushed over to where the Californian was curled fetal at the base of the toilet.

"BJ? BJ, can you hear me?" Sidney breathed a sigh of relief when BJ's eyes clenched shut and tears ran down his cheeks. "BJ, where's Hawkeye?"

BJ shook his head and gasped. He couldn't breathe, Hawkeye was gone. He'd as much as killed his best friend. The reasons for doing so no longer mattered. It was all washed away on the tide of grief and guilt.

Sidney ran a hand over his face and stared down at the broken man, pushed his own grief into the back of his mind. "Can you get up, BJ?" When there was no response from the other man Sidney sighed and placed his hand on BJ's back. "Hold on tight, BJ."

Sidney stood and made his way to Hawkeye's room. He needed to wake the others but he also needed to find out what happened to the father. At first he thought that Mulcahy was still sleeping. It wasn't until he heard a grunt from the man on the bed that he turned on the light.

He rushed to the side of the bed. "Hold on, Father. I'll get you lose in a minute." He worked on untying the priest.

When Father Mulcahy was finally loose he reached up and pulled the rolled socks from his mouth. He looked over to Hawkeye's empty bed. "Where's Hawkeye?"

Sidney shook his head. "I don't know, Father. I need you to wake Sherman and meet me in the bathroom." Sidney didn't wait to hear the priest's reply. He rushed back to the bathroom. He had to get some idea of where Hawkeye had gone.

He knelt once more beside BJ and laid his hand on his shoulder. "BJ, I need you to tell me where Hawkeye went." He frowned when there was no response from the other man. "BJ, this is important. Please, where did Hawkeye go?"

Sidney sighed as the Californian continued to stare. The lights were on but no one was home. He turned as the ex colonel and the father crowded into the doorway. "Sherman, I need you to get everybody up and search for Hawkeye. Father, will you help me get BJ back to his bed."

*************************************************************

Sherman was searching the west end of his property when he came across the body. At a distance it looked like Pierce had simply fallen asleep next to the brook that ran along that edge of his property but the ex colonel knew better. The window of his truck had been broken and his shotgun had been missing.

His steps faltered. He really didn't want to come any closer to the body of his ex surgeon. Didn't want to see what he'd done to himself, but in the end if there was any chance that Hawkeye might still be alive . . .

Sherman turned his head away from the sight of the young man but made himself reach out to search for a pulse in his neck. The body was already cool to the touch and he grimaced as he pulled his sticky hand away. He stooped there for a moment, looking away from the body, wiping his hand on the grass, and then he made himself turn and take a good long look. Made himself see what had become of his friend.

The face was just gone. In its place was a mass of raw meat, sinus cavities exposed to the vermin that had already started crawling over the bloody flesh. The back of his head was blown open like a rotten melon.

Sherman crawled to the side and heaved. He'd seen a lot of horrible things in his years as an army man. He'd seen kids reduced to just so many bloody pieces of meat but none had touched him the way this did. None of those other boys had been family to him. "Damn it."

He wasn't sure how long he sat there and let his own tears flow. He couldn't help but feel that he'd failed the young man. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, turned to see Margaret making her way toward him. He thrust out a hand in warning and stood up. "Don't come back here."

He took one last look back at the body and then went to intercept Margaret.

Hawkeye's body was on its way to the morgue and BJ was upstairs full of tranqs. It was afternoon and most everyone had left. While being together might have brought comfort the reminder was too much. They had all been acutely aware of the absence of two men. So now only Sidney, Sherman, and Father Mulcahy were left to sit out on the deck. They were quiet, each lost in their own thoughts.

Sidney stared down at his hands as his mind alternated between running furiously and shutting down completely. He'd failed Hawkeye spectacularly and now BJ was falling down his own dark hole.

"It's not your fault, Sid. When someone is determined to die no one can stop them."

Sidney looked up to where the older man was sitting. Thought about trying to smile for him but decided he didn't have the energy. They'd all worked so hard to see Hawkeye through this. But in the end it had done no good. Hawkeye was dead and BJ was having his own breakdown. "I know."

Father Mulcahy was weighted down with his own guilt. He hadn't meant to fall asleep last night. But he was no longer as young as he used to be and sleep had fallen over him like a heavy blanket. By the time he awoke he'd already been trussed up like a turkey. He'd tried to reason with Hawkeye and when that didn't work he'd opened his mouth to yell and alert the others. That was when Hawkeye had shoved the socks into his mouth.

He said another prayer for Hawkeye's soul and tried to turn his attention to the other two men. Dwelling on his failures would do no one any good now. "How's your head, Sidney?"

"Fine, Father."

Quiet descended once again and Sidney thought about going upstairs and taking something himself. He'd lost patients before but none had hurt as much as this one did.

"What will happen to BJ?"

Sidney shrugged and studied the ex colonel. He had to be hurting as much as the rest of them but he knew that the older man would hide it behind gruffness. "It's hard to say. Hopefully, he'll grieve and then get on with his life but what he did . . ."

Father Mulcahy leaned forward in his chair. "I'm sure he thought he was doing the right thing."

Sidney nodded. "Sure. But it's still a lot of guilt to live with. I hope he can overcome it."

Sherman studied the psychiatrist. Hawkeye's turbulent time had worn the other man down a great deal. He knew that Sidney and Hawkeye had had a special relationship. Friends and confidants, he'd been there to help Hawkeye through many a rough spot. But you couldn't win them all and Hawkeye had been carrying so much pain. "What about you?"

Sidney smiled and tried to push his own morbid thoughts away. "Oh I'll be fine. I may take a break for a while, spend some time with my family but life hasn't beaten me yet."

They turned as the door opened and Sidney stood as BJ leaned against the door jamb. He looked awful. It was obvious that he'd been awake for a while and his eyes were red rimmed from too many tears. Sidney stepped forward and grabbed BJ by the arm. "Come on, BJ, let's get you back to bed."

BJ shook his head and pulled out of Sidney's grasp. "I killed my best friend and you want me to go to bed!"

Sherman stood and approached the grieving man. "Son, you didn't kill Hawkeye." He stopped to keep his voice from cracking. "He was just another casualty of that damn war."

"BJ, you need to rest. Let us help you back to your room."

BJ stared at the priest and sank to the ground as the sobs tore out of him. Peg appeared behind him and placed her hands on his head. She looked up at the two men, tears in her own eyes.

Sidney and Sherman stepped forward and escorted BJ back to the bedroom. When they had him firmly ensconced in the bed Sidney gave him a pill and a glass of water. They watched as Peg curled up beside her husband and his sobs grew quiet.

When they were sure that BJ was falling back into a drug induced sleep they left the room and closed the door behind them. Sidney turned and walked to his bedroom. He needed the comfort of his own wife and child.

Sherman made his way down to the study and poured himself a drink from the liquor cabinet. He downed the bourbon and then poured himself another. He stared at the painting of his officers on his wall. He lifted the glass in a salute. "Goodbye, Hawkeye."

*The End*

Author's Note: Wow, you made it this far. After reading this piece of madness, are you still sane?

I want it known that people who suffer from mental illness have more choices in treatment than they did during the time this story was set. People with Bipolar illness and PTSD can live full lives with proper treatment.


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